James Kelman - Dirt Road

He heard a door closing. Uncle John had come home from work.

*

They didnt start eating until 8 o’clock. Uncle John opened a bottle of wine and included a wee one for Murdo. Dad just smiled. They were going home next Tuesday. Murdo’s head was so full he had forgotten. He sipped the wine, it was tasty. Wine could be tasty although never quite like what ye expected. Beer was better.

He hoped Dad and Uncle John would go the last hour to the pub but they were too busy with packing and stuff; Aunt Maureen too, dotting between the house and the driveway. It suited Murdo because he could stay downstairs. Later Dad sat in the lounge by himself watching television. So that was Murdo’s chance: Will I go and tell him now?

When he told Dad Dad would tell Uncle John and Aunt Maureen. They would think he was ill. Viruses were everywhere. Uncle John made jokes about medical care in America. It cost ye a body part to pay for the medical bill. Ye went in with a broken leg and the operation cost ye a liver. They would worry then come downstairs and like Oh what’s wrong with ye son are ye ill? No. What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong I’m just like eh

whatever.

They would see he wasnt ill. Maybe he is coming down with something. He isnt ill just now but tomorrow he might be. Maybe it is a mental issue. Too much stress. Would they be upset? Yes. But not a big bit. Dad would still be going. They had other friends that were going too so they wouldnt call it off. They would just wonder.

Murdo stayed in the basement. Whatever time it was. Then Aunt Maureen had been in her own room for ages. Murdo was wanting to say goodnight to her. Maybe she was in bed reading a magazine. So it was too late.

It was, it was too late.

And Dad and Uncle John were in the lounge, probably with a beer. It would have spoiled everybody’s night.

*

Next morning people were up and about on the final preparations. It was the last chance. He didnt want to see Uncle John and Aunt Maureen and waited downstairs until it was Dad in the bathroom, then waiting for him to come out, the door to open, just that moment. He didnt feel bad, just his stomach and nerves nerves nerves, that jumpiness ye get, having to do it, do something, whatever. When it did open Murdo was upstairs quietly. Dad held the door for him but Murdo said: Dad can I speak to ye a minute?

What’s up? said Dad.

Nothing, just eh

Is there something wrong?

No Dad I just eh Dad I need to speak to ye. Sorry Dad I just eh… Murdo sniffed and returned downstairs.

Dad followed. Inside Dad closed the door over. Murdo was standing by the foot of the bed, maybe four yards away, and he felt better there and even like limbering up, like running on the spot, that was how felt. The most stupid thing but just silly silly and he had to breathe in, standing as still as he could, put his hands in his pockets and was going to start crying, Oh Dad

he was going to start crying, Oh Dad.

What’s up? What’s up?

Dad I cant go. Murdo shook his head. Dad…I cant go. I cant go. I just cant. I cant. Dad I cant.

Why not?

Dad I cant. Murdo closed his eyes, lowering his head and he breathed in deeply.

Son what’s up? Dad made a movement towards him and hesitated.

Dad I’m so so sorry.

Calm down.

Murdo breathed in.

What’s wrong?

I just cant go Dad I’m sorry like the thought of it Dad, being away and just like being with people and the whole day and everything, just sitting there and everything like all the talking and everything, everything, Dad I dont eh I dont… Dad I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry; but I just feel I need to opt out, I need to opt out.

Dad was nodding his head.

Dad I’m so sorry I’m so so sorry. Dad…

Dad put his arm round Murdo’s shoulder. Dont worry, he said.

I’m so so sorry.

Dont worry.

They stood for several moments; Murdo gazing at the floor, shoulders hunched and his hands in his pockets and it was like he couldnay raise his head, not able to look at Dad, he felt so bad like just going away forever, just forever.

Take it easy, said Dad. He patted Murdo on the shoulder. Ye okay?

Yeah.

They’ll be disappointed.

I’m so sorry.

Dont worry. If ye change yer mind…we’ll, be another half hour. Okay?

Murdo nodded.

Dad left the room and it was over. Everything. Murdo listened to his footsteps.

Aunt Maureen would be upset especially. But so would Uncle John. Dad was going but, that was something. They wouldnt have to worry either like how sometimes Murdo and Dad like if they werent talking or there was bad feeling between them. Without Murdo it wasnt a worry.

But he didnt want to see them right away, and he sat down on the edge of the bed. Soon after he heard the 4x4 doors slamming shut and rushed upstairs, but they were still packing stuff into the boot. Uncle John called to him: Alright son!

Yeah, thanks.

Uncle John smiled, he continued the packing. Murdo went between the door from the dining area into the patio and the driveway outside the house, helping Dad pass him various bags and items. At one point Dad seemed irritated but maybe he wasnt. Aunt Maureen arrived with her last two bags which she put in on the floor by the rear passenger seat, then made to enter. She looked twice when she saw him. Hey Murdo! she said. She brandished her right fist: You’ll wish you had come!

Murdo smiled.

Dad said nothing but was looking straight at Murdo. Uncle John walked to the driver’s door. Now Dad looked set to say something but didnt.

Murdo returned the look, before shifting stance. He folded his arms. Dad walked to the front passenger side and pulled open the door. Uncle John gave Murdo a short salute: Be midnight the time we’re home Murdo boy. If we’re staying on we’ll phone.

We’ll phone either way, said Dad.

Murdo nodded.

Aunt Maureen had opened the rear passenger window. You know where there’s food son huh!

Yeah.

Dont burn the house down! Uncle John chuckled.

Dad was inside now, and closed the door. Murdo walked forwards. Once Uncle John had switched on the engine Dad let down the window to say, Don’t lock yerself out. Whatever ye do!

No.

I mean if ye go out a walk.

Murdo nodded. Have a good time, he said, then stepped back.

The 4x4 pulled outside onto the street. Murdo walked to the side then behind, waving, then returned up the driveway. He watched the car until it disappeared round the bend towards the main road. He stood there an extra moment. Maybe they would have forgotten something. The longer they didnt show the more unlikely it was.

How much distance does a car travel in five minutes? Thirty miles an hour is fifteen for a half hour, is seven and a half for fifteen, is five for two and a half: two and a half miles in five minutes.

Murdo returned downstairs and sorted through his clothes and essentials, packing quickly. Past eight o’clock and he needed to move fast. The buses was the problem. The thing with America was how big it was. Ye dont think that until ye see it on the Road Atlas book pages and work out the time it takes to get from place to place. Jackson looked quite near but it was hours away passing through Birmingham then change up to Allentown, he would have to change someplace. A car would go faster because ye could choose yer roads and drive as long as ye wanted without having to stop at wee towns to let people off and on, or else change buses. He packed the two CDs, the USA Road Atlas plus a book for reading.

That was him now. He lifted his jacket, had a last look round then went upstairs to the bathroom. Would he need a towel? Yes but the one Aunt Maureen had given him took up a lot of space. He went into her linen cupboard and lifted a small one for hands.