James Kelman - Dirt Road

No I dont.

Yeah ye do, if anybody asks.

Not anybody.

Och yes ye do. Ye’re aye ready to give them a tune. Dont get me wrong, it’s nice that ye do. Ye did it with the black family. That’s what ye did with them. Ye did. I was there and saw ye.

No ye didnt Dad.

I was there.

Murdo smiled, shaking his head.

What do ye think it’s funny?

Murdo stopped smiling.

They ask ye to play and ye play: Uncle John asks ye and it’s Oh no. No. Dad stared at Murdo. That’s what ye said to Uncle John, No. Right there on that bloody dance floor in front of his friends. He’s gone to all that trouble asking the boy on the accordeon then you turn him down! I couldnay believe it! I couldnay! You have the cheek to turn him down!

Dad sat back shaking his head then sat forwards again and wagged his right forefinger at Murdo. It’s nothing to do with being bloody black so dont start that nonsense. You played for them but not for yer own family. That’s the point I’m making.

Dad

What did ye mean to hurt them? Eh? Did ye? You hurt Uncle John. You hurt him. And when ye hurt him ye hurt me; ye hurt me and ye hurt Aunt Maureen. That was a family thing Murdo. It goes deep. The same going to church. You had another chance and ye didnay take it. Aunt Maureen was wanting to show us off. We’re her nephews from Scotland. It’s a big deal.

But you didnt go either.

That’s right.

Well?

She asked you first.

Yeah but she asked ye Dad she asked ye!

That’s right she asked me, of course she asked me. She asked you and you said no then she asked me, and I said no. If you had said yes I would have said yes.

…

Ye didnay, ye said no. If you had gone I would have gone.

So ye wouldnt have left me in the house myself?

That’s one way of putting it.

So like ye cannay trust me?

Dad gazed at him.

Murdo shrugged.

I trust ye son but things happen.

What things?

Aw never mind, said Dad. Uncle John and Aunt Maureen will be home any minute.

Murdo turned his head. I’ve got my own life Dad. If I play I play. I play if I want to play. If I dont want to play then I dont play, and that’s that.

Exactly, ye’ve summed it up. Dad sighed. Look son when Uncle John asks ye to play the accordeon ye play the accordeon. That is what ye do. This is family, it’s a family obligation. It wouldnay have been hard son, not for you. Ye play that accordeon like a champion so ye should have played it for us. Just like ye played it for the black family. I still cannay get my head round that one! The first I heard ye play since Mum died. Coming round the back of that house. The middle of nowhere and all black people. And there ye are playing for them! Dad laughed briefly, then shook his head.

Dad

Well it’s true.

Dad it isnt, it isnt true at all. I wasn’t playing for them. Not for them. I was playing with them. You only came at the end, so ye only heard me, ye didnt hear Sarah’s granny.

Dad smiled.

Dad she’s famous. She’s a famous musician. Queen Monzee-ay, she’s a famous famous musician. Ye shouldnay bring her down.

I’m not bringing her down.

Ye are.

I’m not. I resent ye saying that Murdo I really do.

She’s a great musician.

I hear ye.

She’s playing that festival I was telling ye about.

Dad groaned. Nobody’s heard of any music festival except you. LaFayette’s just a wee town. Uncle John’s drove through it a hundred times.

Yeah because it’s a different Lafayette. The one I’m talking about is in the state of Louisiana. There’s different Lafayettes. Declan told me. Declan Pike.

I know who he is.

Yeah well I mean he’s a musician. Murdo shrugged.

Yeah so that explains it then eh! Dad stood up from the chair shaking his head.

Dad

Dont Dad me: you think you know the world son and you dont, you dont. Dad turned from him and lifted the chair. He strode onto the patio, dumped down the chair and continued into the house.

Murdo watched the door close. He sat a little longer then collected his stuff, returned to the house, and downstairs to the basement. He closed the door and lay down on the bed; but jumped up at once, took off the shorts for a pair of joggers, grabbed a T-shirt and pulled on his trainers. He found the money in his jacket pocket, extracted a $20 note, and upstairs two and three steps at a time, needing to go fast fast fast. Dad was in his room with the door shut. Murdo passed along, heading for the back door but stopped there. He returned to Dad’s bedroom door. He called, not too loudly: I’m going a walk. Just round the block. I’ll not be long.

He didnt wait for an answer. That was that and he was glad. Down from the patio to the side driveway exit, out onto the pavement, he kept walking. Very very glad. Of course Dad would worry but it was his fault. Dad was Dad. He was angry now but would worry after.

Worry worry stupid worry, stupid stupid worry worry.

Only if he had said “Dad”. He didnt say “Dad”. He should have said “Dad”. I’m going a walk Dad, just round the block Dad, I’ll not be long Dad.

He would worry because he always did.

Murdo glanced back over his shoulder. He wasnt there! What a thought! Ye could imagine it, Dad running down the street, Murdo Murdo come back come back!

Although he couldnt stay away too long. Definitely not. Aunt Maureen and Uncle John would be home soon and would worry if he wasnt there.

A street corner ahead. He turned along it, seeking a landmark. Houses had the flags of America and Alabama, one or the other or both. The one for Alabama had the same Saltire design as Scotland but a red cross on the white background instead of a white one on the blue.

People worried. How come? Because it was a row caused him to leave the house. Oh I hope he doesnt do something daft! Ye could understand it but not too much. What would he do? Run away and never come home! It was daft. Dad was Dad so it was not like forever and ever. How could it be?

Only if he had said “Dad”: I’m going a walk Dad, Dad I’ll not be long, so then he would have known it was okay and not to worry. It was just like he needed to get out the house. Ye couldnt stay in forever just because ye worried about getting lost. Then what happens? Ye’re dead. Here lies Murdo Macarthur who never went out the house. Stupid worries. How can ye live?

I’m just going a walk. Well dont disappear! Although roundabout here it was quiet streets. Maybe nobody did walk. That was Uncle John’s joke, people were feart in case they got shot as an intruder. So they went to parks or the shopping mall. But without a car how did they get there? They had to walk. To go a walk ye had to walk. Unless a taxi. But if ye were saving money? Maybe they hitched. Some would. Poor people didnt have a choice so it was like ye had to hitch. Or else ye were stuck. Imagine being stuck. If ye were in America. How could ye be stuck! Ye would go nuts. It was like so vast, it was just like so so big!

Seeing the Weather Channel ye thought it was too big, icy wastes and summer suns. Then ye saw the Road Map book and it was like Oh I could go, I could just go. Getting to Lafayette, Louisiana would have been easy with a car. There were different roads ye could take. Imagine a driver’s licence and not using it. That was Dad. How could ye have one and not bring it? The easy route was straight south to the town of Mobile then along from there. Ye passed through New Orleans then the town of Baton Rouge. Lafayette came after that. But if ye went sideways to Allentown, Mississippi for the first stop it was still quite easy; Yazoo City and after that Jackson. The maps made everything closer; go east to Savannah or west to San Diego. But ye could if ye had a place to go. Murdo did. Cousin Calum was in California.