James Kelman - Dirt Road

What?

Is that what ye’re wanting me to say?

Never. Never. I’m not saying that at all.

The trouble is son you dont know what ye’re saying. Dad shook his head and turned from Murdo.

Murdo sat still. Dad had his book opened and was studying the page. Murdo waited. Dad continued to study the page. Murdo got up from the settee, lifting his book. He left the room without looking back, clicked shut the door behind himself. He headed along and into the bathroom. He washed his face and hands without looking in the mirror then dried and opened the door gently. Nobody there. He stepped out and downstairs.

He had left his book in the bathroom. It didnt matter. He sat down on the mattress. Then the fast clumping down the stairs. Murdo sat there. The door opened and Dad.

He stood by the side of the bed. He said: Murdo, if you have got something to say, say it.

Murdo looked away. Dad stepped around the end of the bed to face him. Stand up, he said.

Murdo didnt.

Stand up!

Murdo stood up and nearly smiled. He looked at the floor. He folded his arms and unfolded them. Dad said, Tell me what it is?

What what is? I dont know what ye mean.

Dad stared at him

Honest Dad I dont know what ye mean. Murdo put his hands in his pockets then took them back out.

Dad said, I only asked ye to say where ye were going. That’s all. And it’s because I worry, I worry.

Yeah I know Dad but really ye shouldnt because I cant go anywhere anyway so what does it matter it doesnt matter. Really, it doesnt matter.

What are ye talking about?

Murdo folded his arms.

What are ye talking about?

I’ve got no money. Murdo rubbed round the sides of his mouth. What I’m saying: I dont have any money.

What d’ye mean?

Murdo shrugged.

I give you money.

Yeah but not for myself. Murdo shrugged again. Like only if I need it for something. I dont have any money of my own. Know what I mean Dad I dont have any money.

I give ye money.

Murdo unfolded his arms and turned his head to look away. Dad, what I’m saying, ye never give me any pocket money; like ye never ever give me any pocket money. What about pocket money? Ye never give me any pocket money! Murdo shook his head:

Pocket money Dad ye just never ever… Pocket money, it is fucking pocket money Dad… Murdo was clenching his fists. Ye never…ye just…ye never ever give me any damn bloody pocket money and I dont know what to do I dont know what to do I’m just I’m stuck. I cannay go out even a walk Dad; I cannay go out; I dont have even one dollar, one dollar; I cant even buy a packet of chewing gum Dad nothing, I cant buy any damn thing and I cant do any damn thing… Dad… Dad I cant do anything.

Murdo was shaking now and tried to stop it, pushing down his hands by his sides, clenching and unclenching his fists; taking a deep breath.

Dad turned away.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry Dad. Dad it doesnt matter.

It was Mum dealt with pocket money.

Yeah.

I mean…

Yeah Dad sorry.

Ye need to remind me, if ye just could remind me.

Okay Dad.

I dont want us to fight. Whatever happens son I dont want us to fight. I mean me and you. Dad reached out his hand and clasped Murdo’s shoulder. Murdo had his head lowered.

Dad went away soon after. Murdo laid down on the mattress, eventually switching on the music, just quietly, a beautiful number that was so so easy, going along someplace, the damp leaves, branch roots, smelling the woods, the loch water.

*

That evening Uncle John drove with Dad to the local bar which was about three miles away. They werent so strict as back home on drink-driving where Dad wouldnt have taken even one bottle of beer. Here Uncle John drank three or four which according to him was “nothing”.

Murdo was glad when they went. It was good for Dad getting out and good for Uncle John too because whenever did he get the chance? Never. Dad being here was special for him. Once they had gone he sat with Aunt Maureen in the lounge watching television. She picked out a magazine from a magazine rack at the side of the television. Murdo knelt down to check through it, and found a book called the USA Road Atlas. It was full of maps. An actual book full of maps. Every page was a map, and followed on from the page before, or ran into the page coming after, just like online if ye were scrawling or zooming in someplace. It was just a brilliant old book. Murdo flourished it aloft. Aunt Maureen glanced at it. Huh? she said. Oh you want to go someplace Murdo?

Murdo grinned, sat back on the settee with it and began from page one. It gave a clear idea not only of the roads but the land itself; mountain ranges, rivers and lochs. The book had generalised maps and the downtown centres of the major cities. It was brilliant. Just scanning map pages and seeing the names of actual towns. Their very names! Murdo had to read them out to Aunt Maureen. Honest, he said, it is just amazing. Look! Gretna! Imagine Gretna! Elgin! Jeesoh, Elgin. McKenney! Cadder! Aberdeen! Aberdeen, actual Aberdeen. It’s all Scottish names Aunt Maureen. Glasgow!

Glasgow sure!

Highlands! Jeesoh. Highlands?

Huh?

A town called Highlands. An actual town!

What is so wrong with that?

The Highlands is a whole place, not just one town.

Maybe it’s a different Highlands.

Well yeah of course but one town!

Reminded the old people of home I guess.

Well yeah but — Phil Campbell! What is that is that a town? Phil Campbell? An actual town?

Sure it’s a town.

But it’s a guy’s name! Phil Campbell!

Aunt Maureen shrugged. They all go there. All the Phil Campbells. One year a bunch of them came from the west coast of Canada.

Jeesoh!

You want the tourists to visit get a fancy name!

Do they come from Scotland too?

Well now I cant say there son.

There would be hundreds of them if they did. Imagine it! all the Phil Campbells! Murdo returned to the map and saw Millport. Millport! A Millport on the map. Millport. Aunt Maureen, that’s right beside where we live, Millport, it’s an island along from us; Millport’s the name of the town!

Huh!

We used to go there. My pal’s uncle’s got a boat and Millport is a place we sailed. There’s a great pier for jumping in the water. We used to do it.

You did?

It was great, just great. There was a chip shop there as well and if ye were hungry, ye always were, if ye were swimming, so it was great, ye went in there after, whatever, fish and chips. It was just smashing.

Sure sounds good.

All the different names. It’s great!

Aunt Maureen chuckled. That’s the old people, she said.

Rome: look! Rome!

Rome Georgia, sure: Rome Georgia, Athens Texas, Paris Tennessee. That’s the jet set Murdo. You know that one? Aunt Maureen sang:

Oh we’re not the jet set

We’re the old Chevrolet set.

You dont know the song? Rome Georgia, Athens Texas. Aunt Maureen chuckled. It’s fun. You got to listen to it. They got an Athens in Alabama too. You look and you will find it there.

Murdo didnt answer. He was seeing the very town itself: LaFayette. He studied it. LaFayette. There’s LaFayette. Aunt Maureen, he said, I’m just seeing it here.

Sure. Aint far from Chattanooga.

So it is close.

Yeah it’s close. You got cousins in Chattanooga; Gillespies — unless they all went west. Used to get on a train there took you down through Huntsville. Did that train go over to St Louis now? I think it did. Chattanooga’s Indian; they got a song.

Pardon me boy

Is that the Chattanooga choo choo?

Aunt Maureen stopped. Something going down the line, track twenty-nine… She frowned. The Dixie Line son you ever hear of that? Back then it was famous. It’s gone now more’s the pity. People dont know. You ask them and they dont know, my Lord, in the old days, they had to drive them coaches onto boats, had to stop the train. That’s how they crossed the Tennessee River. Now it’s for tourists. Aint got one for ourselves. Son it is beautiful up there. They got the Lost Sea Cave. You ever hear of that?