James Kelman - Dirt Road

Yeah.

John’s been trying to persuade him and his father to come stay permanent.

The women looked at Murdo, waiting for him to speak. But he knew nothing about this. Nobody had spoken to him. So it should have been Murdo to ask Aunt Maureen the question. Liz said, So you want to come live here Murdo?

Eh…

A big step huh?

Murdo smiled.

It aint plain sailing, said Josie. You got the red tape nowadays.

Sure but the family connection, said Aunt Maureen. Plenty others get in dont even talk the language.

You got that right, said Josie.

Aunt Maureen indicated one of the women: Liz is Welsh.

Way back in the mists of time, said Liz. I dont cling to it.

Sure, said Aunt Maureen. John says Scottish half and half but his boys aint half anything they are American.

Family’s important, said Emma-Louise.

Huh! said Josie.

What you saying family dont count?

No now I aint saying that, just not like it was. It dont pay to be ordinary. Come from India and it’ll be okay, come from Vietnam and Haiti, Korea, Russia what do they get, tax free for five years? WIC, food stamps!

My Lord. Aunt Maureen reached to hold Murdo’s hand for a moment.

Emma-Louise said, So Murdo how do you like being here?

I do.

Oh you do huh!

Yeah.

Another of the women laughed, Ann-Marie. It’s his voice! she said. I love that voice. Is that the Scottish voice?

Well what else is it gonna be? asked Emma-Louise.

I dont know! Ann-Marie laughed again.

Aunt Maureen was squeezing Murdo’s hand, and she kept a hold of it. She looked around the women. Him and his father have had it tough, she said, I got to say. You all met Tom, huh, his little daughter passed on? Murdo here’s little sister. Now his mother, his own sweet mother, poor soul, she’s with Jesus now.

The women gazed at him. He was going to say how Eilidh was his big sister and not his little sister.

Sure hard to take, said Emma-Louise. Didnt you say it’s hereditary Maureen?

Through the female line.

You’ll have the memories Murdo. Josie nodded. Oh yes you will, she said.

The others smiled, expecting him to say something, but what about? He couldnt say anything. Memories. He didnt want to say anything about memories. Eilidh wasnt a memory. He had taken his hand out from beneath Aunt Maureen’s; he folded his arms briefly. He wanted to speak but was not going to except like it had be cleared up otherwise

otherwise what? It just wasnt true and it was Eilidh. Murdo said to Aunt Maureen: She was actually my big sister Aunt Maureen like I mean she was coming up for twelve when she died, I was nine.

Huh? What did I say?

No just eh she was my little sister, but really she was older, she was my big sister. She was a great girl Aunt Maureen. I dont like people talking about her.

Oh.

I dont mind if I’m not there. It’s only like when I’m there, as soon as they speak, she disappears. It begins with her then she’s gone.

Well you dont have to talk about her now son.

Murdo kept his head lowered, not looking at the other women. Aunt Maureen was squeezing his hand again. It’s because memories, he said, I dont like that about memories. It’s just what I feel, memories are for other people. They arent to do with me and her. I think about her every day. Ye know I mean every day. I mean every single one.

Oh son.

It’s not memories, she’s just here. Murdo glanced at the other women. They were listening. Ye hear it in songs, I’ll always be with ye, and it’s true. Eilidh is always with me. She was my big sister and she is my big sister and it makes ye cry thinking about it. I know it does. Murdo shrugged. I cant help it. I cant stop it and I dont care. If she wasnay there when my Mum died I dont know what would have happened. It was Eilidh got me through it. Not even my father, he couldnt have managed it, never. It was only Eilidh. Murdo shook his head and he stared at the carpet. It doesnt matter about God and Jesus and that stuff, I’m sorry, people say about passed on and she’s with Jesus, I’m sorry but she’s not, she’s with me. Me. She had her own life. It was her unique one. My big sister, she was a great girl and a real person. She’s my big sister, that is what she is.

Murdo was not going to cry but he felt like it. So now he had spoken. That was that. He wished he hadnt but he had. That was Aunt Maureen.

Because she was a great lady. The best auntie it was possible ever to get. Imagine being annoyed at Aunt Maureen! Never. That was ha ha ha, never ever ever. Only he needed to say it about Eilidh. Otherwise it was not her. If it was not Eilidh he didnt want to talk. She was not a memory. If he spoke about her like she was one then she was. She wasnt, she was his sister and a real girl, a real great girl; that is what she was and never never never, he was not ever ever going to let it go. Why should he? Ye just get angry, so so angry, bloody talking and talking, people talking.

That was that and nothing more. The women looking at him. Then Josie about her own family — not from the old days, she didnt like the old days; she was saying about a farm she knew and some of the women were smiling and joining in talking so like Murdo could just go quiet, close down, ye think of closing down, and seeing Melissa looking at him and her daughter too like how she was just staring and as if it was him she was staring at, and he looked back at her, just seeing and it was like him, it was him she was staring at, how her blouse pulled back too it was like her skin through it, her actual skin, because it was just like so thin white the material and even like her nipples like it was her actual nipples

twinges and twinges

she was shifting on her seat, changing how she was sitting — Nicole — she blinked a couple of times and something or other he didnt know except just blushing he was blushing oh God he was blushing if she was staring at him: she was.

It was not actual “staring” at all, she was just waiting for him to speak.

Murdo sat forwards on the chair. They were expecting him to talk about what Emma-Louise had said. What had Emma-Louise said? Melissa too, looking at him, encouraging him. It was nice of her. Dave Arnott’s wife. Nicole was her daughter. If she saw him blushing. She must have. Aunt Maureen touched his hand: It was your Uncle Robert son huh? Didnt he go checking it out?

My Uncle Robert. Yes eh…

It was hereditary huh?

Yeah. He said how the tumour never came to men. So they werent doing the research. If it was reversed roles, and the tumour only affected men then they would have done the research. Especially if it was rich ones. They would pay the money to save their own skin. My Uncle Robert said that.

Emma-Louise said, Doctors here dont do their work.

That is a fact of life, said Josie.

A sick person’s got more chance seeing the Governor of this state. What do they give you? A nurse is what they give you. Least that’s what they call them. But they aint nurses, not proper ones like what you would say, a nurse.

You got that right, said Josie.

My own mother was lying there, Emma-Louise said. She was skin and bone. Were they cleaning her? No they were not. Can you believe it?

I can believe it, said Josie.

They would not clean her and would not feed her. My Lord that was a hard hard time. Sure we got support, but not from them.

The door opened and the two wee girls entered. Their father was behind them. Nicole was up from her chair and peering at the wall clock. She leaned to see into the baby buggy. The two girls came to Melissa who was their grandmother. Nicole was their mother, she was the guy’s wife. He stayed by the doorway, phone in hand.

Emma-Louise continued talking: Not one sip of water did they give her; they denied it to her. I wanted to give her a drink and they would not let me. I told them. I said you know all this is? It’s money, you all are cutting corners, running down costs, you think I dont know that! I know it.