James Kelman - Dirt Road

The younger woman had lifted up the baby and was sniffing its nappy. Liz winked at the other women and called, She dry Nicole?

She is. Nicole tucked the baby in between the sheets.

Liz called to Conor: How’s your mother keeping Conor?

Good.

Liz smiled. Conor had raised his head and glanced around the room, passing over Murdo. Then he looked back at Murdo as though seeing him for the first time. He folded his arms, but stood there quite relaxed. Mister Cool. That was the way he was standing. If the women didnt see it. Acting like he was the big boss showing them all! He had tried to bully Murdo in the garden and now he was doing it here. In front of everybody. The guy was a bully. It sickened ye. Guys ye have never seen in yer life before and they still try to bully ye. They dont even know who ye are like ye could be the best fighter in the whole world! They dont know anything about ye but they still try to bully ye, and they do bully ye. This guy bullied Murdo in the garden. Now here he was doing it again in front of all the women. Murdo was young so he thought he could get away with it. So arrogant, totally stupid too because ye dont know who ye are talking to. Somebody could take out a gun and shoot ye.

Aunt Maureen touched Murdo on the wrist. A woman who hadnt spoken before was attracting his attention. Murdo smiled at her and she said, How do you like it here Murdo?

I like it fine.

You do huh?

Yeah.

Well we sure like having you here, she said.

Murdo grinned, although he needed to get away. Only because he was edgy. He got up from the chair and said quietly to Aunt Maureen. I’m going through for something to eat.

Aunt Maureen gripped his hand for a moment.

Melissa and the wee girls were with Nicole and the baby now. Conor stood to the side of the door to let Murdo through. He might have escaped downstairs altogether except he thought to grab some food on the way. Uncle John was in the kitchen. He had a beer tucked under his left arm and was manoeuvring two heavy-looking trays of food toward the edge of the kitchen counter. One held platefuls of chicken pieces and sausage rolls, and the other piles of sandwiches. Murdo took the tray with the sandwiches. He held the dining room door open for Uncle John, followed him to the patio table. They set down the food. Thanks Murdo boy… Uncle John winked while ripping a beer from the pack. Thirsty work this talking! he said to the men seated there. Know what they call it back home? Blethers. Ye’re blethering. Ye’re all blethering. Some people’s a believer, I’m a bletherer. Eh Murdo?

Murdo grinned.

Uncle John glared at him. Insubordination! He gestured at a spare chair.

I’m going to go through just now.

Aye aye cap’n. Uncle John saluted him.

Down from the patio Dad was with Dave Arnott who was speaking to him. Dad listened but was watching Murdo at the same time. Murdo gestured at the trays of food, lifted two sandwiches and continued on into the house. People were in the kitchen and dining area, he walked through and downstairs.

*

He heard the bathroom door close and his hand reached to the volume control but it could hardly be lower. Back home he could blast it! Just blast it.

Here was here. Here is where he was. He couldnt stay down forever.

Where’s Murdo! Oh God maybe he’s fallen down a pit! There’s a black hole below the basement and he’s fallen down! Ohhh dohhhh ohhhh ohhhh. Scary! “Fallen-down-the-pit” music, a cello, ohhh dohhhh ohhhh ohhhh, scraping yer knees, ohhhh ohhh ohhhh, dohhh dohhh dohhh.

Although if he had had a guitar, a guitar would have been good. Anything at all. What he was missing was being able to play. There was the music store at the mall, if there had been any instruments. A whistle or a mouth organ. A kid’s keyboard, a xylophone. What did ye get for twenty dollars?

Foot creaks from above. He lowered the volume again. But there couldnt be any lower, except minus 1, the infinitesimal of the infinitesimal, so ye screwed yer head right down further and further, the furthermost deepest down point ye ever could, then minus 1, so what ye picked up wasnt sound as we know it, just data beyond audio, just like lines lines lines and no lines, no lines, no lines, a string series like DNA, so low it was unique, nobody nobody nobody — especially Dad. Otherwise “face the music”.

Ye did something wrong and ye faced the music. Music was the punishment! Imagine the punishment! Bad behaviour! Go and listen to music! It was so stupid. That was life.

If life was fair, ha ha.

The opening to the next track made him smile. The repartee; the musicians having a laugh; drummer and lead calling to each other. It was special. Ye wanted to turn it up louder, louder, louder, for them sitting upstairs and what was happening under their nose. A bully bossing people. Dave Arnott’s son-in-law. Uncle John’s pal. He was Dad’s pal too; and nearer Dad’s age than Uncle John’s. That was the bully, Dave Arnott’s son-in-law, his daughter’s husband, he was a total bully. A coward as well as a bully because bullies are cowards. Maybe he bullied her. The kids too; the wee girls and the baby. Imagine he did. And Dave allowed it? How come? Dave was a big guy and could just have battered him. Murdo would have battered him. Dad too. Dad wouldnt have allowed it. If he knew. Murdo could have told him. Although what was there to tell? Murdo was there and the guy was saying things that were horrible. Ye wouldnt say these things to people except if ye could get away with it, like if the person ye were talking to wasnt going to tell ye to shut up, just bloody shut up. That was what Murdo should have told him, Just shut yer fucking mouth. Murdo should have said that and he didnt, he just let him get away with it. Grow up, grow up, you are just one stupid fool. Murdo was just a nothing and he was going to say whatever, just like whatever, anything he wanted because what was Murdo? Nothing. A young guy not worth bothering about. Oh who is he, just like from a foreign country, he’s nothing. A guy talking down to ye like that. Murdo let him. That was the sad thing.

Imagine letting him. Murdo did. Was it bullying? It was bullying. The things he said, he would never have said them to somebody else like if it was somebody to fight back. Murdo didnt fight back. The guy didnt think Murdo would fight back and that was that because Murdo didnt. So he got bullied, the guy bullied him.

How could ye allow it?

Ye hear the sizzles and sissssssss; outer audio points not getting picked up, ever more compressed; mp-3, mp-4, -5, -6, -7 and ever on to where -1 is an algorithm, another system altogether, another universe; forget awesome, awesome is human, awesome is stupid. Way way beyond. Ye dont see so ye dont witness. Although ye still know, ye still know; the stillness. He was not asleep,

a while later,

but hardly awake.

If he was he didnt know it. Not awake and not asleep. Not dreaming. So thinking. Only he didnt know it. Thinking but not thinking. Whatever time, who knows time; something in his head anyway, whatever that was, now gone. Things go. How many tunes in the world disappear forever? How come ye lose them? Ye cant just get them down and like have them there so then ye can just whatever, ye can just play them.

Ye got jittery. Things in yer head. Could ye get them out? Ye couldnt, these people bully ye during the day and are into yer head at night. At school too like as a boy, it was happening to ye and it was all ye thought about, every minute of every day, bloody bully, Murdo would have battered him, just picked something up and crashed him over the head with it. Having a wife like that, wee kids. It was just like amazing how a guy like him, how he got away with it. Dave’s daughter was great. Murdo hadnt been looking at her, if anybody thought that. When somebody looks at you then you look back. She looked at Murdo so Murdo looked back. Although it was not that kind of a look. Imagine it was. She didnt talk much but listened to everything and was beautiful. Guys would say that. She was. Just natural too. What age was she! An actual woman, and she was looking at him, and her blouse, how it came onto her boobs and ye couldnt help see the colour, how they were shaped in the material, pulling tight and her nipples, how she didnt speak and just listened, listened to everything, just looking, and her hand to her mouth, rubbing the sides of her mouth, her lips. It was so so natural. Even her blouse like white and silky. She wasnt dressed up although she seemed to be. Just how she looked, she just looked good — sexy, ye would say that, an actual woman, jeesoh, it was just how everything, like when she was sitting there too ye couldnt help seeing how her boobs were like jeesoh ye saw the shadows into the curve just so natural, everything.