James Kelman - Dirt Road

Two of Dave Arnott’s wee grandkids appeared less than ten feet away. Murdo pretended not to see them, two wee girls. He bent to study the grass. He picked out one stem and concentrated on it. He held it so that they could watch. He parted the stem of grass midway along the centre, aligned it within his thumbs and blew into it. A slight rasping noise was all it managed. He tried again but it wasnt working and he dropped the grass stem suddenly, as though frightened by something in the hedge. Jeesoh! he said.

The girls stepped closer. What you looking at in there? said the elder one.

Ssh.

What you looking at?

A tiny wee creature.

They were puzzled. They maybe didnt understand his voice. It’s a tiny tiny animal, he said, pointing in behind the leaves. It’s in there hiding.

The girls looked to see and the bigger one crouched to peer in. Murdo looked from one to the other and put on a scary voice: Maybe it is not so tiny. Maybe it is a big giant bear. A big big giant bear…!

The girls shrieked. Murdo made big eyes at them, and stepped closer, raising his hands: A very very big…big…big big bear. Waaaahhhhh!

They laughed loudly and raced off a short distance. Murdo also laughed. The two girls approached to see what he would do next. They saw their father strolling down from the patio, a phone in his hand: Dave Arnott’s son-in-law, who lifted a ball on the way and threw it over their heads. They chased after the ball while he strolled on, studying the phone. He stood a moment then called to Murdo: How’s it going?

Fine.

You John’s relation?

Yeah.

So what you work at?

I’m still at school.

School, huh. Okay. You like it?

No. Murdo chuckled.

So uh where you from? you from someplace?

Scotland.

Scotland, huh. That’s like a long trip?

Murdo shrugged. Had to go from Glasgow via Amsterdam, then non-stop to Memphis.

Memphis; cool. The guy snapped his fingers. Oh now, I got it, the bus connection! You stayed over Allentown, Mississippi?

Yeah. One night

One night huh. You see a white face?

Murdo looked at him. After a moment he said, Do ye mean eh…a white face in Allentown like did I see one? Do ye mean did I see one?

The guy didnt reply; his attention drifted from Murdo and over the other end of the garden, where his daughters were playing near a broken-down shed. The guy said, Ever been to Shreveport? One time I was like headed down the I-20, landed in Yazoo City. Yazoo City man they all play the yazoo there.

Pardon?

We got relations in Shreveport, on my own mother’s side. Her people come from Oklahoma City. Moved to Shreveport like way way back, a long time ago. He stepped sideways and gazed around the garden. His daughters werent in sight. Girls must have gone inside huh, looking for food.

Murdo nodded.

Hey you listen to Pete?

Pardon?

Pete Marshall? You dont get Pete where you come from, WROT? Radio?

No, I dont think so. My Dad would know.

Oh now Pete’s real funny; a real funny guy. He tells it like it is, he thinks something he comes right out and says it. He’s got like a political line to gospel man he’ll let you know it. He wont pull back on that.

His attention was distracted. The girls had reappeared by the broken-down shed with an old hosepipe. The older one flung the heavy end of it in the direction of the younger one and it would have hurt if it landed. The guy frowned. You got kids?

Me…

He suddenly pointed his finger at Murdo. I know you! I know who you are! Oh man I know you! Hey man I’m Conor, you’re uh

Murdo.

Murdo yeah: you got the little girl passed on. That is the saddest thing. He moved as if to shake hands.

I think ye mean my sister. Murdo said, Ye’re mixing me up with my father. It’s my father’s daughter that died, she was my sister.

Your sister, yeah. Okay. I got that. And your mother huh? Yeah, I got that. Man that is the saddest thing ever. Old Dave was telling me about that. Your sister and your mother. Yeah, I got that now.

Conor reached to shake Murdo’s hand. He gripped it and didnt let it go. He kept on gripping it, so so tightly, just staring in at him and his eyes piercing, piercing in like how people say, his eyes “pierced” like a sharp point digging in to make a wee hole to see in behind yer eyes behind yer skin, not into yer mind but someplace else, if there is some kind of other place there and a thing inside it, eyes piercing their way in. That was this guy Conor. He kept his grip on Murdo’s hand and Murdo couldnt take it away. That was the horrible thing. He didnt try to but knew he couldnt. This damn guy, he was too strong. His grip was too strong and bloody powerful and it was horrible. It was even painful! Jeesoh. His eyes too! He was just a nutter.

He stopped it and let go Murdo’s hand, patted him on the side of the arm. Murdo didnt rub or massage his hand but he folded his arms. He kept looking at the guy and was not going to look away.

You are John’s nephew. I know who you are. Your name is uh…

Murdo.

Murdo, yeah. Moved here from Scotland huh. You got Tom too?

He’s my father.

Yeah. Conor slowly nodded his head. Sister and mother, yeah…that is the way of this world. People dont know it. They never know it! I’m talking what’s in store for them up yonder. He pointed up to the sky. The future is what I mean. We walk this road and what do we see? Nothing. A road is heavy with blood and we see nothing. A blood-stained road and we are as blind men. That old road is mapped out man we just dont like read it, we dont see the signs man. You dont see a thing how can you read it? You need to see a thing before you can read it. Aint possible otherwise Murdo.

Murdo watched him.

You think life is fair?

What?

You think life is fair?

Who me?

You, yeah: you think it is fair?

Me? Do I think life is fair?

Let me tell you man it aint fair. No sir. You expect that you are misguided; you are seriously misguided, one seriously misguided human being.

Out the corner of his eye Murdo saw Uncle John on the patio again, laughing at something. But Dad wasnt there, maybe he was in getting food. Down the far side one of the wee girls was tossing a ball onto the roof of the shed. Murdo hoped Conor would notice so if he did it would shift his mind from wherever, so he would go away.

He patted Murdo on the side of the arm again then glanced at his phone, scrolled down for a moment. No sir, you dont read the signs you will stay blind: deaf, dumb and blind. What you got to do is grow up, you got to grow up. I’m talking here: Conor tapped the side of his head. And here… tapping his chest.

Then he smiled as if everything was just friendly conversation and it was Murdo’s turn to talk. That was like ha ha, did he honestly believe Murdo was stupid enough to fall for it? It just made ye angry. He would never have spoken like that to Dad. None of the men. He wouldnay have dared. Just Murdo. Murdo was a kid. Say what ye like do what ye like. Now he stepped towards Murdo as though to shake hands with him. Pleasure talking with you, he said.

The real pleasure was him going away. Murdo would like to have said something but said nothing. It was the wee girls ye felt sorry for.

Bad manners and good manners. Good manners is being nice to them with bad manners. You fit into them and all their crap. Gab gab gab. So all ye can do is nod yer head. Murdo was sick of that. They could speak and you couldnt. They had the right; you didnay. That was this life, all the shit stuff ye ever could get. Imagine the worst, then a plus 1. Ye were to talk but not talk. Not to talk but talk. That summed it up. Oh hullo yes it’s a nice day Mum’s got a tumour and she’s dying. That was the funeral too, people speaking to you but you werent to speak to them except Yes, I’m fine. Everything’s good, Mum’s in the coffin, bla bla bla.