James Kelman - Dirt Road

Sarah too, not to think of her like that, because like her family, if ye know somebody’s family, ye dont want to think of her that way like bodies and yer arm round her pressing her in, nude, and just feeling her and if she’s pressing

*

They were going to the shopping mall. Aunt Maureen had booked a cab for 11 a.m. It was good to be going but Murdo’s head was elsewhere. He put his shoes on at the door and went outside to wait on the porch. Dad was already there, sitting on the bench by the wall. Taxi’s due, he said.

Right.

Dad noticed he was wearing a T-shirt. Maybe ye should put on something else, he said.

Dad it’s fresh.

Yeah I’m not talking about that, it gets chilly in the mall because of the air conditioning, Aunt Maureen was saying. People catch colds; they

Murdo didnt wait for the next bit. Back in the house he took off his shoes and downstairs to the basement. He switched on the music to a particular track he was listening to. It was on the second of the CDs, the one with the other musicians. Just the most soulful sound ye could get and an accordeon too it was a knock-out.

A sound like that, ye just didnay expect it, just how he had it, he really had it. In learning a tune there was “a thing to get”. Once ye “got it” you were fast away and could go at it and play to it and do most whatever ye wanted with it. It was not only the tune but a certain thing that gives ye more than that. When ye got that ye could go with it. Anywhere at all. Ye were just free and could do anything.

He took off the T-shirt, found a proper shirt and put it on — and took it back off, the waste of a shirt, wearing it to a mall. It was Joe Harkins said about “the thing to get”. Joe played mandolin and was pretty brilliant. He played with the band for a few weeks. Mum was there and coming to gigs at the time so that was a year ago. She liked the sound they were getting. She said it was different.

It was different: Joe!

People said he was a cool guy but it was the way he pushed ye on. And ye had to go with him. Ye had to. It was the real stuff and ye knew it was. There were good clips of him on YouTube but what ye saw was what ye saw and not like how it was from the inside. Ye didnay get that anywhere, that was like inside their heads. Ye had to play with people for that.

Joe was out on his own. Ye got left behind if ye werent careful and if that happened too much it was like Joe shut down, he went cold. If he had to go alone he shut down. That was bad, a player like Joe. Ye didnay want that happening. Imagine a band where the lead guy stops in the middle and says, I’m away home.

Ye got that tingle playing with him and ye didnt forget it. How could ye? Why else would ye be doing it? Ye thought that to yerself: this is a real band. That is what ye felt. That was Joe. When he was there ye had to go for it. Once ye got it ye could go for it all, just bloody go for it all, so like ye were bursting, and ye would see Joe maybe nodding his head, eyes closed.

Murdo! Murdo!

The taxi. Dad shouting on him from the top of the stairs.

It was true but, if ye couldnay cut it with Joe maybe ye couldnt ever, and that is how ye would be. Murdo put the T-shirt back on and grabbed his jacket, switched off the hi-fi and went fast upstairs. Dad waited by the front door ready to lock up. Aunt Maureen was in the cab. Sorry about that Dad. Murdo pulled on his trainers.

Dad nodded.

In the cab he sat next to the driver who yapped on about space museums and railway museums and drive-in movie houses that were as good as anything ye could find anywhere and served traditional ice-cream, glancing over his shoulder at Aunt Maureen as though ice-cream interested her in particular.

The road was complicated with roundabouts and flyovers. They had three and four lanes for traffic and drivers on the inside drove faster than ones on the outside. The worst was a guy whizzing along in and out, not bothering even to pamp his horn. Aunt Maureen called from the rear: Look at that. One finger on the wheel.

According to Dad the aisle seat on the bus was preferable to the window seat because ye didnt have to look out. It was too stressful seeing the crazy drivers. The driver didnt say anything. He heard Dad’s voice and knew he was foreign. The nearer to the mall along both sides of the road were restaurants and free-standing stores. Different buildings; some fancy-shaped with round roofs and new-looking red bricks. Dad paid the fare. Aunt Maureen didnt want him to but he did.

They walked between department store buildings and it was good shade. Hot but not too hot. Aunt Maureen led them into one huge store, straight through and out the other side, into the main shopping area. Two huge-long floors of department stores. People going round and round. Women with babies and kids; old people too, and power-walkers. In one place there was a huge imitation rocket ship. Kids climbed to the top then slid all the way down on a chute. Other entertainments; an ice-rink and either two cinemas or one, and did they have an indoor golf course? Aunt Maureen said they did but it sounded fantastic. She didnt come much to this mall. When she did she made the most of it. She had favourite stores and shops and enjoyed going in for a look. Most were for clothes and fancy household items. For the pot-luck tonight she needed plastic cutlery and napkins; paper plates, paper cups and paper glasses. After eating ye just dumped everything into the bin.

After the first couple of stores Murdo stayed outside. So did Dad who had brought a book and usually there were seats. Up on the first floor Murdo leaned on the barrier seeing over and down to the ground level. Along was a larger-than-life model of a guy playing electric guitar. It was fixed at the entrance to a store. Surely a music store? Murdo couldnt quite make it out. Hey Dad, he said, look! A music store!

Dad glanced up from his book, shifted on the bench to see. Murdo pointed down and along to it. Ye think I could have some money I mean eh…?

Dad paused a moment. Okay, he said. He took dollar notes from his pocket and peeled off a $10. Much ye talking about?

I dont know.

Dad peeled off another $10 and passed him the $20. He stood up and peered over the barrier. Below was busy with people but the model of the musician was visible. Dad said, Ye sure it’s a music store?

Well what else?

Dad shrugged. Why dont ye wait till Aunt Maureen comes back?

I was only going for a look.

Yeah. She’ll be here in a minute.

…

Murdo she’ll be here in a minute. Then we’ll come with ye. One minute. Just one minute. I dont want us missing each other.

Murdo nodded.

This place is massive son.

Yeah. Murdo made to hand back the money. Dad looked at the two ten dollar notes. Naw, he said, hang onto it. As soon as Aunt Maureen comes we’ll go.

Dad I’m not bothered.

Aw for God sake.

Really. I’ll go another time.

Dad sighed. Murdo held out the money. Here, he said.

Right, said Dad and took it.

Murdo turned from him, leaning his elbows on the barrier. Dad sat down and opened the book. It was good to read a book. Dad liked doing that. What did Murdo like? Nothing. Nothing was good. Nothing was the best of all. Dad gave him nothing and that was what he wanted. From Dad anyway. Who cares? He saw the shop and out it came. He just opened his mouth and out it came, the first thing in his head. Better not talking at all.

Aunt Maureen reappeared. She chatted while they walked. Murdo stayed a pace behind so it was Dad she was chatting to. The next store had no seats. She left her bags next to where they were standing. Dad took out his book and was reading in the space of two seconds. Two seconds. Murdo stood still. He could only stand there. People scream. He didnt. Memories of boyhood, shopping with Mum and Eilidh and the agony, the agony. Stand there and be quiet. Be quiet. Stand. All ye could do. Clothes and clothes and clothes, and clothes and clothes and clothes — and that smell and how the lights were, the glare, people banging into ye. I’m goni scream I’m goni scream I’m goni scream. Although he might have slept, here, if Dad had allowed it. Dad wouldnt. He could read standing up but sleeping was barred. Ye could read but not sleep. Bad manners.