Marlene van Niekerk - Agaat

Now I must feign blissful ignorance. Followed them all morning & ran home when they began to prepare to leave the forest. Must quickly get the afternoon meal ready otherwise A. will smell a rat but I can hardly contain myself. Am I jealous or angry or glad about what they saw?

10 November after supper

Great mysteriousness all day all parties under the cloak of secrecy. Why would they not want to tell me they’d seen it?

Agaat has been singing her own compositions all the time since they’ve been back & Jakkie is just about ready to explode with the secret but he’s under strict oath.

This morning just after ten I caught A. taking two bananas from the fruit bowl but I pretended not to see because then I knew immediately what she was planning & then I looked in the liquor cabinet & then I saw the rum that I use for caramel sauce already a tot down. She could at least have asked me. Probably shy that I’ll laugh at her how long did the two of us not sit & wait way back there in the forest with the stinking bait without seeing anything? & I really didn’t want to spoil the whole adventure for the little one.

We’re going to the Keurtjiekloof A. tells me with a straight face to look at the waterfall & we’ll be back just before lunch. My washing & ironing have been done & the vegetables peeled & the beetroot is cooked & the meat is in the pot just add water at eleven everything in one breath to prevent me from raising an objection but I say nothing & don’t bat an eyelid & I await my opportunity until they’re well & gone. Put on my walking shoes & take the high road through the Boesmanskloof to the forest because I knew then she would take the easy road lower down with Jakkie even though it’s longer. Estimated their pace accurately & lay in wait for them & when they had passed followed them to where A. decided to wait. A little clearing not far from where she & I that time sat for a whole week’s mornings & then I had to creep up very slowly to get a good view but without their noticing me. A. I know can hear a ghost walking.

So there she takes out the bananas from her apron pocket & a small bottle full of rum probably about five tablespoons & two paint-tin lids & a fork. Mash, she says to Jakkie. He likes little goblins like you to mix his food & Jakkie presses with the fork & she holds his hand so that he can get it fine enough. Then a few drops of rum with it on each lid. Here taste she says to Jakkie he spits sis yuck. I’m glad says A. he’s not here yet to hear you spitting because for him it’s food for a king the more stinky the better & he’s the emperor & she puts the lids in spots of sun so that the bananas can ferment.

Could get the smell from where I was sitting behind the trunk next to the rock fig. Then they waited & I waited. Half an hour later an hour so that my legs started cramping but I couldn’t budge so dead quiet was it only a kokkewiet calling.

But when is he coming? asked Jakkie. Be quiet you’ll hear him approaching up high there in the leaves said A. I could see Jakkie was getting restless. What do you think we’re waiting for? asked A. For the emperor of course said Jakkie what does he look like? Black like the dark moon from outside said A. but all blue November-sky from the inside no not powder-blue rather wet-blue silvery & when he unfolds himself you look into the eye. What eye? Jakkie asked & he blink-blinked his eyes at A. No, it doesn’t work like that she said. He folds open his wings & it’s the Eye of Everything. But when they’re closed, there’s nothing. Like hip up hop down? asked Jakkie. Yes, just like a fire like great love it’s all & it’s nothing & your soul perishes in the flames but the story is told from generation to generation. Shhht I can hear him! He’s coming!

Had heard the fluttering earlier. Always thought it was the forest thrush.

Close your eyes said A. to Jakkie. Bring him nearer with your will.

So there we sit the three of us with closed eyes & I add my will to theirs to make a miracle happen & there it happens!

The first thing I see when I open my eyes is Jakkie’s face with a shiny spot reflecting from the lid onto him. But it’s not only shiny it’s blue as if a little window has opened on his forehead. There the butterfly is poised on the shiny lid & eats banana with its wings spread wide so that the one side shows blue. Apatura iris the giant purple emperor butterfly. There the two of them sit with the sun on their heads & the blue reflection leaps from Jakkie’s forehead to A.’s cap & the butterfly opens & closes its wings & it flies away a hip hop jewel & then it descends again for more. Between the lids he to-&-fros. The span of its wings greater than you can imagine. As large as two open hands with crossed thumbs. Nymphalidae the family of the carrion eaters.

11 November 1965

They still haven’t told me. Jak asks at breakfast this morning so what secret have the three of you got now do tell me too? Then I see A. looking at me from where she is bringing Jakkie his porridge but I pretended not to know anything & I ask: What did you see yesterday in the Keurtjiekloof? He puts his finger in front of his mouth & gives A. a secret look & says riddle me ree the night is black & the day is blue & the soul is closed at first & then folded open what is it? Eat your porridge says A. with a straight face & I see she hu-uhs at him with her eyes not to let out anything. It’s time that you went to school said Jak you’re becoming far too smart here under Gaat. But he’s so inquisitive he comes & grabs my diary here from under me to see what I’m writing but he can’t make out my writing just as well I’m always in such a rush. Let go I say it’s private. Then you should rather not sit & write it up in public he says, it’s like lifting your skirts & peeing in the main street.

September 1966

What can it all mean? Sometimes so overwhelmed by what I experience every day I’m crying as I sit here & write. Don’t know exactly what it is. Not sadness rather gladness & fear. Envy perhaps? but why? & of what?

Have just been to look for Jakkie & A. then I saw them playing in the orchard by the pear trees — snow-white in blossom — their latest game. Jakkie has discovered the airplane that Jak built for him way back under the lean-to only a skeleton & the paint is all peeled off but it still has wings & wheels. He made A. drag it out all the way down to the irrigation furrow. She fixed the head of an old fan to the front for a propeller. He sits in the seat & she sits in the grass with her back against the fuselage & looks in front of her. They pretend he takes off & flies away. Went & sat on the edge of the irrigation furrow behind the pomegranate orchard to hear.

How high are you now? asks Agaat.

As high as the mountains! says Jakkie.

Do tell me everything that you see.

I see a bird!

What kind of a bird is it?

I don’t know!

Well then, ask him what kind of bird he is!

I can’t!

Put your hand out & catch him & bring him home, then I’ll ask him

what kind of bird he is.

There he flies away!

Fly after him!

I can’t he’s gone!

Then I know what his name is!

What?

I’m not allowed to say it out loud, I must whisper it in your ear.

But I’m up here!

Well then come down again!

I’m coming! Here I come!

Come down, I can see you already! Here you come! Look out for the

tower silo!

I come! I see you, here I am!

Then Jakkie jumps from the little plane into A.’s arms & she rolls in the grass with him & laughs they sit up & he holds his hand behind his ear & she whispers a whole long story into it & his eyes widen in surprise & she pulls her head away & he shakes his head for no & she nods her head for yes & he wants to ask something & she lays her finger on her lips & he lays his finger on his.