Marlene van Niekerk - Agaat

12 August 1960 ten past eight

A. is going to give me grey hairs yet, I can see it coming. This morning when she brought in the coffee the dog prodded his nose into her again.

Smelt nothing just Mum & starch & a tiny line of mud on the seam of hr apron from hr nocturnal escapades but for the rest spotlessly clean everything.

Have just been to do inspection in her room. Old black umbrella standing in the corner & a paint tin on a sack tip-tip, it drips in the tin. There’s a patch of mould on the ceiling suppose roof must be rusted through will have to take it in hand. For the rest everything clean & tidy. Looked in hr cupboard she’s wearing the bras I see even though they are too big & the pack of Dr White’s has not been used further I suppose she doesn’t know how but I seem to remember one of the elastics to which it’s fixed was missing the evening when she disappeared with hr suitcase. I know that dog it does that with women who are bleeding. Had half hoped she would pick up the Facts of Life from the other servants but no help from that source. Leave hr alone she’s white I heard Saar say to Lietja. Had hoped that with the move to the outside room she would throw in her lot with the others — not altogether of course but just so that she can learn to know her place.

So I had hr called & went & spoke the necessary there in the back don’t know if it was enough you can’t be strict enough with them at that age. If you start bleeding between your legs every month I said to hr you’re a risk here on Gdrift you can bring to nought everything that we’ve done for you overnight & I know you wander about after dark & if I ever catch you in the labourers’ houses or discover you’ve been to D. & his crowd at night I’ll give you the boot in the blink of an eye where will you go then? Your place is here on Gdrift I said so see to it that you toe the line. She just stared at me. Don’t act stupid I said. You know what the bull does to the cow & what comes of it? just pain & suffering & you’re not quite right you’re deformed & they did bad things to you when you were small so you can’t have children in any case even if you want to & maybe it’s hereditary & you know what happens to the late lamb whose mother casts him off? We can’t go around raising them all as hanslammers it takes too much time & trouble.

Count yourself lucky I said that you were chosen & kept on & that you got to where you are today where there are people who look after you it’s sheer mercy & if you bleed I said you put on the pads. Demonstrated with the elastic & the loops 5 times a day the first 3 days & you wash yourself every time you put on a new one with hot water & soap & rub Mum in your groin when you put on a new one & if I ever pick up a whiff on you there’s trouble & the dirty ones you put together in a paper bag & you push it deep into the bin where the dogs can’t get to it. If the bleeding ever stays away don’t even come & tell me, just take your things & go because then I never want to set eyes on you again.

12 August 1960 10 past 10

Don’t feel well since I’ve been there in the outside room must get more rest I suppose at this stage. Week 34. Dr. did say I would tire easily but I must make time for myself. Would be good to have more time to write up everything that happens here. Might just skip things that could be important. Saar says A. isn’t all there she looks as if she walks in hr sleep. See A.’s light’s on late at night I suppose she’s reading because I forbade hr to read in the day it sets a bad example to the other servants & she has more than enough work to do & I’m scared J. will catch hr reading he’s totally opposed to the idea teach a baboon to read tonight & tomorrow he’ll be dictating to you he says perhaps I can teach her the basics of embroidery it’s a better pastime at least then she’ll be producing something.

12 August after lunch

Slept this afternoon. Feel it’s close now. Two weeks too early? Everybody says the firstborn is late mostly. Worried about A. I think she’s scared of me of what is to happen to me & she tries to hide it behind affectations this morning again when the rain stopped at last. Bring along your embroidery book & come & sit here with me on the stoep I said because I wanted to comfort hr a bit too after the whole sermon on the monthlies & I might as well use my rest break usefully & give hr something of value. Did after all envision it like that from the start just didn’t get around to it. Bring your needlework basket I said.

And right there it begins. She turns around as if a snake has bitten her & looks me straight in the eye rude! All I’m saying is you must bring along your needlework basket but then & there I lose my temper completely because I’m made to feel I must justify myself. Who does she think she is the little scallywag full of airs & adopts a pose standing half to attention the feet together the back rigid the arms bent at the elbows the right hand in the left hand held under the chest & the chin stuck out all the way to wherever.

What do you want me to say? I thought. So I said what I wanted to say in any case: your embroidery book & your needlework basket bring them but she just stood there as if she were on stage. So that will be all thank you was all I said as if I were also on stage & only then she looked satisfied. Nods the head as if she’s a doll & off she goes with little measured steps the legs hinging only from the knee down as if she’s scared that something will drop out from under her. Where would she get that from? Had to shut up the other servants because there they go laughing like drains about the little airs. Ignore I said it passes by itself.

Went to look for an off-cut of coarse-woven material in the ragbag. Halfway through I had another idea. In the bottom drawer of the linen cupboard I remembered there were still precious lengths of material from my mother’s trousseau that she’d never used & so I chose the biggest most beautiful piece 2 cloths 6 x 3 yards Glenshee linen still wrapped in the white tissue paper just as Ma must have got it. I thought let me reward her & give her something to show I understand it’s not all such plain sailing for hr.

Here next to me on the bench I showed her she must sit when she came out on the stoep but she didn’t want to. Brings the stoep chair closer by your leave & puts it next to the bench. So there I had to move closer myself to be near enough to page through the book with hr. You’re provoking me I thought but rather said nothing. Sheep-slaughtering I said is not the beginning & the end of the world or stoep-polishing or onion-plaiting or pumpkin-stacking. Farming is only one half of a housekeeper’s work. Thought I had to put the point strongly because I’ve been driving her a bit hard this last month.

Embroidery I said is the other half & fine decorative needlework & knitting & crocheting. They belong to the finer things in life they are age-old arts & rich traditions from the domain of woman. Look at me I said because she was staring in front of her & pretended to be struck deaf. I want you to be knowledgeable & I want you to teach yourself & make it your own that will be proof that I haven’t wasted my time with you I said to her.

So I opened the book at my inscription in front & made her read out aloud what I had underlined in the Introduction. Embroidery creates an atmosphere of true values in a house & speaks of the personality of its creator it demonstrates the difference between a developed & an uncivilised nation.

Showed hr all the prettiest examples of drawn-fabric work & white-work & black-work & shadow-work & ravel-work & showed pictures how an embroidered table cloth makes all the difference to a full tea-table setting & how embroidered napkins can make any meal look like that of a king. Told her about the wall hangings of the tabernacle as described in Exod. richly embroidered by hand & about the first piece of embroidery from the 4 thcentury B.C. & about the embroidered cloths in which the mummies of Egypt were wrapped for the long journey to the realm of the dead & of the pelicans & the jackals & all the figures of the gods & of how everything was embroidered with the greatest of care on fine woven cloth so that the deceased should not feel alone & would arrive in the kingdom of heaven completely wrapped up in his culture & history & faith. Also explained about the church embroidery at which thousands of nuns sat labouring day after day in poor light in their cells to the glory of God of the Opus Anglicanum & the great French tapestry of the walled garden in which a snow-white unicorn comes to rest with its head on the lap of the Virgin Mary.