Marlene van Niekerk - Agaat

You stood there for a long time in front of the dark hole of the door before you could turn away.

all at last cleared up the dominee the doctor the attorney attest now my last will and testament my farm on leasehold and also the homestead go to agaat until when she reaches eighty she has to hand it over to my son who must make further provision for her up to her death here is her funeral scheme their share as earlier to sow reverts to the okkenels they are henceforth answerable to agaat and she to them as mutually agreed the money from furniture cattle and yard sales and savings of the last seven years she may farm with on a modest scale to meet all her needs and requirements and to fall back on there is her pension reinforced herewith by hundred thousand rand plus extensively enlarged personal-nursing fee

my life I give into her hands for as long as she can carry me no hospital no pumps tubes wires except if I should want to determine differently later only for pain and inconvenience to relieve me of them I ask as I always have my drops agaat must dose me I am her sick merino sheep her exhausted soil her fallow land full of white stones her blown-up cow and acre of lodged grain her rusty wheat her drift from now on in flood she must have my hole dug and have the ring wall neatly whitewashed carve the meaning of everything on my headstone in her mouth I place my last word and in her eye over my departed body the last curse or blessing

because she knows what it is to be a farmer woman: windmill siphon corner post gate-latch and keystone the index of everything how do you convince her of her end how does one clear her up for death how does one get her switched off?

ask agaat that’s how it’s done

when her testament is at last written and her codicils when her estate has been wound up her herds diminished her yard tidied up and her cupboards and drawers cleaned out her giveaways sorted her workers given notice the whole rest of her personal detritus lipsticks powder-boxes nail polish empty tissue-boxes burnt her funeral planned to the last detail her hole dug her coffin in the attic lined with satin

then ask agaat nicely

as edification she will hang the final index before the nose of her near-dead nooi:

Symptoms Medicine Therapy Tiredness Pyridostigmine Energy conservation Mechanical aids Work modification Spasticity Joint pains Baclofen Tizanadine Sodium dantroline Movement spectrum exercises Cramps Quinine sulphate Massage Fasciculation Carbamazephine Reassurance Sialorrhea Anticholinergic medicines Salivary gland radiation Mechanical aspiration aids Thick phlegm Beta blocker Consumption of liquids Pseudo-bulbar laughing and crying Tri-cyclic anti- depressant Lithium None Pulmonary secretions and expectoration Dextrometorphane Rehydration, humid air, aspiration aids Choking Sisapride Change in food consistency Depression Anti-depressants Counselling and psychiatric counselling Support Insomnia Opiates Hospital bed Pulmonary embolus Bronchial dilators Morphine Non-invasive or permanent ventilation Ventilator Constipation Bisacodyl Liquids Stasis of the colon Lactulose Energetic exercise

14 November 1978

So then Jakkie brought a little girlfriend home for the first time after the matric exams. More to satisfy Jak than anything else I think because he doesn’t seem to be wildly excited. Was quite the little gentleman but I know him his heart isn’t in it. The poor little thing talks nineteen to the dozen from nervousness & Jak drinks too much & of course couldn’t stand it any more after a while & goes & fetches an old poetry anthology of mine from the shelf. No she must realise the little Isabel in this house high literature is read. How well does she know her poetry he wants to know. Jakkie still tried to put a stop to it but Jak was in full declamatory flight. Oh show me the place where once we stood once when you were mine. They fled out of there the children as soon as they had a chance ai I was so embarrassed.

Apparently Jakkie wanted to take her along to Witsand but now of course she doesn’t want to come any more. A. smiles about this because now she’ll have Jakkie to herself. He won’t fall for her type says A. she’s too light for him for what type then I ask. The fynbos & cave type says Agaat or spring tide whatever that may mean but she seems quite taken with her own diagnosis.

The last few holidays he’s spent long hours reading in his room with a plate of A.’s cookies except when J. orders him to varnish the woodwork or otherwise he goes for long runs on his own or goes fishing with A. & reads her stories & poems. Tanned & muscled the child. Can sometimes not believe how attractive he is. Something of a daredevil too, just like his father, thinks nothing of swimming into the sea & emerging somewhere else far away. The girls peek at him & he banters with them but that’s all. He sometimes goes out when there’s a party & stays out late but then I always hear afterwards he found a book to read somewhere in a room. Perhaps this year I should have a party for him at our house to celebrate his results.

They’ll hear early in January he says he’s not worried about it. But does he have other worries? He can be so absent. Easy-going in the daily round but reserved in a new way the last few years. He feels further & further away from me. J. says it’s because he thinks he’s better than us since he’s been to Paul Roos he’s got a swollen head in that town of snobs they say it’s contagious. I say Jakkie is not as self-satisfied as his father he’s looking for himself. Look what look! Jak exclaims his country is looking for him let him go & put some hair on his chest in the Defence Force the enemy is ready to take over the country. I tell Jak for somebody who can think up such outlandish theories on his own wife his political pronouncements really are extremely simple-minded.

19 November 1978

Went & made the mistake of wanting to take Jakkie along to church this morning. At first he didn’t want to. Said it was too hot for a suit but J. said to him my boy you’ll do as I say. Not that J. is all that religious either it’s more a matter of being seen in the right place & perhaps that’s what irks Jakkie.

He’s been through his catechism & all along with the other boys in Stellenbosch & I see his Bible lying there on his night-table but how things are with him spiritually I wouldn’t know he talks to me about nothing except trivialities. Today he really had the fidgets in the pew & sighed & sat with his forehead in his hands & bit his cheeks & vanished into thin air when we got here & he’s not turning up for lunch.

Dominee preached on the spies in the land of Canaan. A wee bit over-inspired perhaps but still a striking analogy that he drew. Numbers 13. Send thou men, that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: Of every tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man & these were their names: Of the tribe of Reuben, Shammua the son of Zaccur. Of the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat the son of Hori. Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh etc. The application turned out to be the border war & the instruction to the Afrikaner spies just as to the children of Israel & see the land what it is; & the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many & about Caleb who said Let us go up at once & possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. And about the nay-sayers who said it was impossible & brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel such as that the children of Anak were descended from giants & would crush the Israelites like locusts & about the people who murmured against Moses & Aaron: Wherefore hath the Lord brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives & children should be the prey? The dominee warned from the pulpit against false prophets who speak excellent Afrikaans & cite the Bible & don’t hesitate to undermine their own nation in their mother-tongue & in their church. Beyers Naude of course & that other Kotze dominee from Johannesburg. Then he followed through the analogy & concluded quite strikingly with a list of the sons of the Overberg who have been called up for the January intake: Of the Delports of Grootbos, Erik, the son of Flip, of the Du Toits of Riviersonderend, Hugo, the son of Lieb, of the Neethlings of Lindeshof, Jurie, the son of Gaf. Then Jak said half in jest in the car: And of the de Wets of Grootmoedersdrift: Jakobus Christiaan, the son of J.C. Senior & Kamilla née Redelinghuys. Would Jakkie not go & get up on his hind legs about it something terrible heaven knows why it’s not as if it was meant ill.