Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Yes, I agree,” said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment lay on his bed with his eyes closed feeling very alert. “It makes me so sad the first thing you did after you left my room last night when we were happy was binge and vomit and then lie to me,” he said in an email about thirty minutes later. “I want to help you. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t even think about anything else but how to help you. Can I come over? I want to come over as soon as I can. I thought about what you could do, based on what I did in high school when I did therapy, and I wrote 4 paragraphs for you to read out loud.”

The next day he read an email from Dakota Fanning that said she wanted to be with him and was thinking about going to a hospital. He read a bulimia message board for about five hours and thought that the people posting on it seemed logical and funny and extreme in a non-party-girl manner that seemed attractive to him but also made him feel like “evil” existed in the world and that life was very bleak and scary.

That night Dakota Fanning sent an email of all her lies. “Whenever I told you the story about running away to Philadelphia I always said I was going to go somewhere else after Philadelphia, that the reason for going there wasn’t just to see John,” said the email. “The only reason I ran away was because I wanted to see John. I lied when I said the only reason I wanted to take drum lessons and join the band was to learn how to play the drums better to record you songs. I did want to learn so I could record you songs but I also like playing the drums on my own. I lied when I said there was only one time I threw up when you were staying here. There was only one time when I threw up in the house but there was another time when I rode my bike and got hash browns and orange juice and cinnamon rolls from Burger King and ate them there and threw up there afterward. In Texas I told you I had eaten the vegetables off the pizza only and then threw up. I ate the vegetables off the pizza and almost a whole roll of bread with oil and then I didn’t throw up at all. Once you told me you were listening to Hot Water Music and then asked if I knew who they were and I said a little and that I thought my friend put a song on a mix CD once. I didn’t know who they were and I hadn’t listened to them before. I said I would drink Edensoy when you told me it would help me get healthier but I didn’t start drinking it until after the first time you told me we were fucked. One of the times when I said I listened to the songs you recorded for me on the way home on the bus I lied and just said that to make you feel better. I listened to other music instead. The day you sent me the surfing DVD and the CD of your songs I watched the surfing DVD instead of listening to the CD when I exercised. Then I told you I listened to the CD. I listened to the CD in my room a little so I could know enough of what was on it to tell you I listened to it. I said I wanted to go out in a raft with you but I never did anything to find a raft so we actually could. I told you I was going to start being more productive when you were deciding to move here and I said I would find a job and an apartment but I didn’t do either of those. I lied the time I bought the fish and said I only bought it because I felt bad it was in the pet shop. I wanted the fish and went to the pet store to look for fish to buy. When I told you I didn’t want the fish anymore and that I shouldn’t have bought it I lied because I still liked the fish and wanted to keep it. I lied when I told you once when I was talking about the dresses being shitty that I had never worn anything that short before. I bought a miniskirt once and wore it to school with tights. I lied the night I was late in the orange dress when I said I would drink half the green tea extract before going to see you. I didn’t want to because I didn’t like how it tasted. I lied when I said I would sell things at the flea market one time. I didn’t do anything to try to do it like tell my mom I wanted to do it so she would know and then drive me there with all my things to sell. I lied when I told you I was taking the green tea pills and drinking soymilk during the time you first gave them to me and I was still in school last year. I wasn’t taking them. I didn’t take the green tea pills until after you told me we were fucked for the first time. I lied when I told you I was reading my notebook on the way to school and home. I only did that twice. I lied twice on days I said I was doing my homework in school so we could have more time together. Instead I used the computer to research colleges and look at the Edensoy website. I lied about the scar on my leg. I got it because I wanted blood for a drawing I made that I was going to send to tape man. The scars on my mid thighs are also from using blood for drawings but for Valentine’s day cards for my friends. I didn’t cut myself because I hated myself or wanted to remind myself of things. I cut myself to use the blood for drawings or because I thought it was pretty and would cut my breasts or stomach and then masturbate. The only time I did cut myself before the time in Florida because I felt sad or angry at myself was once when I cut my stomach when I was thinking about being obese. The day I went to the movies by myself I only walked to about Wendy’s and one of my brother’s friends saw me and gave me a ride to the theatre. I told you in Gmail chat I walked the 3 miles to get there. I told you I didn’t believe in Santa Claus past age 4. I’m pretty sure I didn’t stop believing in Santa Claus until I was like 7. I don’t know when exactly but it was definitely longer than 4. I lied when I wrote you a long email and said I couldn’t really listen to Bjork and Radiohead anymore. I could still listen to Bjork but was only trying to avoid listening to Radiohead. Then later I listened to Radiohead a lot for a few days. I lied when I said I couldn’t sleep well in hotels. I don’t think they make any difference than sleeping normally. I talked about why I thought it was important to get sleep and eat right and about how I was worried about my hair falling out and my skin being nasty. I am worried about those things but they weren’t the reasons I wanted to sleep. I didn’t think of those, I just thought I wanted to sleep instead of taking caffeine to talk to you more. The day you recorded piano for me I told you I was getting changed then exercising. Instead I binge ate and threw up. Then I used an old photo of the exercise machine to send you because I spent the time binge eating and throwing up instead of exercising. The day I was supposed to be making the list of things I want to change and didn’t finish I think I binge ate instead. I wrote that I just ate soybean pasta. I don’t remember what I ate or if I threw up but I’m pretty sure I spent more time eating that day than I said. On October 2 I told you I had highlighted more of my lists and read them on the way home. I highlighted but didn’t read them on the way home. The day of the night we chatted and I said I would draw you a New Zealand penguin I binge ate a little when I got home from school but didn’t throw up. I told you I had only rinsed my dad’s sprouts then exercised. On October 3 I told you I ate soybean pasta for breakfast but I think I ate a Luna Bar with peanut butter and took another Luna Bar with me and an apple to the bus. On October 4 I don’t think I ate half a vegan burger for breakfast then brought the other half to school. I don’t remember what I ate but I really don’t think I did that. During that same Gmail chat you asked me what I did 4:30–6:30. I told you I was doing homework. I think I did homework but then binge ate and threw up instead of only doing homework. On October 5 I told you I went for a walk then stopped to take pictures in the yard. I think I spent a lot of the afternoon binge eating and then throwing up and then just went out to the yard to take pictures. The day I went home to see my brother and his friends I ate apple pie with them and drank coffee with sugar and soymilk in it. Then afterward I ate more pie and threw up. Then I went back downstairs after they left and my mom went upstairs and ate more pie and ice cream and candied walnuts and threw up. I didn’t think that someone poisoned me when I told you that story. I did hear noises and hear my door opening but I didn’t think I was poisoned. I binge ate during the day and threw up a lot and started to become dehydrated so I said I had thrown up for a different reason to try to cover up spending time vomiting instead of what I said I would do. On October 16 I told you I ate soybean pasta with black beans. I ate that but I put sugar on the black beans. Then later I binge ate instead of doing Pilates I think and then threw up.”