Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Okay,” she said. “I won’t throw up anymore.”

A few days later Dakota Fanning’s mother drove Haley Joel Osment to the restaurant. He and Dakota Fanning carried things he bought from the health food store upstairs into his room. “Thank you for helping me this week,” said Dakota Fanning. “You’re welcome,” said Haley Joel Osment. “How do you feel?” Dakota Fanning said she felt good. They kissed and she undid his belt and they had sex for about two minutes and she went downstairs into her mother’s car. The next night Haley Joel Osment emailed that he was a little sad she didn’t email him that morning. Dakota Fanning emailed that she was worried throughout the day at school about not emailing him in the morning. “I should have gotten up earlier,” she said. “I’m writing about it in my book before I sleep. I cried in the kitchen tonight while thinking about how lonely you must have felt.”

That night on Gmail chat Haley Joel Osment asked what she did that morning.

“I did sit ups in the bathroom then showered.”

“Then what,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Then I went to the computer but my mom was using it so I went downstairs and ate cereal and took my vitamins.”

“I thought you made pasta last night?”

“I did but I brought it with me to eat in the car.”

“Did you lie to me today or last night?”

“Yes,” said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment quickly typed “what” without thinking then felt confused and a little dizzy as he stared at what Dakota Fanning had typed.

“I lied about the pasta,” she said.

“What’s that,” said Haley Joel Osment. “What.”

“I didn’t make it last night and eat it today. I had cereal for breakfast, carrot soup and beets for lunch, and then seaweed salad later.” Haley Joel Osment quoted an email Dakota Fanning sent last night that said “When I got home I got my laundry and folded it then put it away, cleaned the kitchen, your bathroom, cooked dinner and made soybean pasta for tomorrow” and asked if it was a lie.

“Yes. I only got my laundry and then I ate a lot of cereal and threw up.”

“So you threw up after you had told me you wouldn’t throw up even if you ate something bad.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning.

“And you lied when you told me in bed that you wouldn’t lie anymore.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning.

“If you stopped lying I could help you with throwing up. But since you continued to lie after saying you wouldn’t lie I don’t think I can be with you anymore. I really can’t be with you.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning. “I can change.”

“Did you write anything for throwing up,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“No, I should do it for that. I will do it for that.”

“We aren’t dating anymore,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I still need to go to your house so I can get to the airport,” he said about going to Georgia and Florida in about a week for writing-related things and to visit his mother. “You don’t ever want to talk to me again after you leave, or not until I have worked and changed on my own?” said Dakota Fanning. “I asked you to your face if you would throw up again,” said Haley Joel Osment. “And you told me in bed that you wouldn’t lie again.”

“I will not throw up again,” said Dakota Fanning. “That is not a lie. I will not do it again. When you stayed with me the last week I improved a lot. You probably won’t think so because I lied but I was able to admit that I lied. I wasn’t able to do that before. I didn’t throw up while you were here. I don’t feel like binge eating when we’re together. You were happy when you were here. I was doing much better. It is possible.”

“What else have you lied about today and yesterday?”

“I didn’t just buy the vegan burgers and tomato and soymilk yesterday but I bought cereal and a bag of candies and I ate the cereal and candies and then threw up. Then today I didn’t do sit-ups before I showered in the morning. I didn’t exercise when I got home. I didn’t just get seaweed salad but I got vegetables and noodles and rice and I ate the vegetables and noodles and rice and my mom’s cookies and cereal and fruit snacks and a popcorn ball and then threw up and saved the seaweed salad for tomorrow when I would have a normal day without throwing up. And during the day I ate a granola bar and Oreos in the car.”

“What else did you lie about? You lied even after you said ‘I won’t lie anymore’ just a few minutes ago.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Just tell me everything you lied about right now.”

“I am. I think I have said everything but I am thinking still. That is everything. I didn’t lie about anything else except things in emails and chats and I’m going to email you those.”

“Did you throw up while I was there?”

“During this time or in the past?”

“Both,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I didn’t throw up during this time and I have only thrown up once while you were here and that was one time when I went to ride my bike to exercise and I bought food at Shop Rite and threw up after eating it behind Shop Rite and then when I got home I threw up the rest while you were still in bed. I lied when I told you I threw up before I met you. I had only done it like 3 times I think from when I was 13 until I met you. I also lied at how much I was doing it. I think I told you I was only doing it like once a day every other day. In the beginning it was like that and then when it was the worst I was throwing up 3–4 times a day every day.”

“What were you thinking about when you bought the candy yesterday?”

“I was thinking ‘don’t do this, please don’t do this’ and I debated whether or not it was better to buy this trail mix stuff I bought before and ate a lot of instead of the candies and thought about if I did throw up which would be easier to throw up and which would be better if I couldn’t throw up everything and I knew the trail mix would be better but I didn’t control myself.”

“What were you thinking in the car after you left my room?”

“I was thinking ‘I want to get vegan burgers and tomatoes for Haley so when he comes back on the weekend I can make him that to eat because he said he liked it a lot.’ ”

“I told you it was okay for you to eat whatever you want,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Did you remember that when you threw up yesterday and today?”

“Yes, I remembered that, but I didn’t take it literally because I thought you still wanted me to eat the way I was eating with you and would complain about me doing less if I ate more.”

“Did you throw up in Florida?”

“No. I wasn’t throwing up then I don’t think.”

“Here is the order of how bad things are,” said Haley Joel Osment. “From most bad to least bad: lying, throwing up, binge eating. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I understand. I just remembered that I drank a banana and cream iced smoothie thing from Starbucks.”

“You ordered what from Starbucks, what is that.”

“I don’t even know what it was, some processed artificial shit. It tasted like bananas and had the consistency of a smoothie. It had milk in it I’m sure.”

“I’m so sad,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I want to make you happy. I don’t want you to feel alone. I lied when I said I cried in the kitchen because I was sad from how lonely you must feel. I was crying because I thought about how good you are and how I wanted to change and stop throwing up but I felt afraid to say it because it sounded like a movie.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m going to sleep. You should change whether I’m with you or not. Either change or kill yourself. I’m going to sleep.”