Herman Koch - Dear Mr. M

“And you too!” she shouted, so loudly and so suddenly that it startled everyone else. “Shut your face with that ‘Miriam’ shit!” She pushed David’s arm off her shoulders and stood up — in two attempts, the first time she didn’t push hard enough and landed back on the couch. “Fuck! Cunt!” she screamed: two words Laura hadn’t expected to hear coming from this round, open face that wanted to kiss you on the cheeks all the time. “Go fuck yourselves, all of you!” She was already at the door, she yanked it open and slammed it so hard behind her that a candle fell from its candlestick on the mantel and landed on the floor; right after that came the sound of hiking boots pounding up the stairs to the attic, where another door slammed with a loud bang.

Laura looked at David; like everyone else, probably, she expected him to get up and run up the stairs after his girlfriend. But David remained seated.

“Well,” he said, “I guess that’s clear enough.”

The one who did get up was Stella.

“Where are you going?” Herman asked — his voice didn’t sound threatening, perhaps, but there was something about it that made Stella blink.

“Just up to her,” she said. “I don’t…I don’t like this at all.”

“Sit down,” Herman said.

Stella’s jaw didn’t quite drop, Laura noticed, but almost. “What did you say?” she asked.

“What I’m saying is that you should sit down for a bit before maybe going up to her. And in fact, I don’t think you should go up to her at all.”

Laura glanced over at David, but he had his head down and was pretending to pluck at a piece of lint or something on the thigh of his jeans.

“When someone’s hysterical, you have to let them calm down first,” Herman went on. “During the initial phase, you can’t get through to them.”

No one said a word for quite a while after that. Laura caught herself staring at something on her lap too.

“Well, shall I go then?” Lodewijk said. “Then it’s not so clearly a girl coming to comfort another girl.”

They all had to laugh at that, a laugh that broke the tension and brought relief, and they looked at each other again; even Stella, who was still standing at the door, laughed a little.

“I wish you all the success in the world, Lodewijk,” Herman said. “But I don’t give you much of a chance. No, really, I think it would be better if we waited a bit.”

In the silence that followed, Laura pricked up her ears, but didn’t hear anything from the attic.

“Maybe I overdid things a little,” Herman said. “I completely realize that not everyone thinks those films are funny, but you can talk about that without getting hysterical about it right away, can’t you? I mean, did we fight like this last summer? Or at school, the last few months? That’s what I’m trying to say. In fact, I don’t think we ever argued at all before that cow came along.”

Laura glanced quickly at David again. David was no longer staring at real or imaginary bits of lint on his trousers, but at a spot somewhere on the floor; when Laura followed his gaze she saw, close to one of the table legs, the candle that had fallen from the mantelpiece.

“Aw, well,” he said, “maybe we should just let her calm down a little.”

Without meaning to, Laura looked over at Stella, her best friend, who was still standing with her hand on the doorknob — her former best friend, she corrected herself. After what happened during the summer vacation, the most you could say was that their friendship had normalized. Stella had stopped keeping Laura on the line with lengthy accounts of all-too-intimate details of her relationship with Herman, and Laura in turn had tried to do everything in her power to act normal. Laura hoped that one day they could be best friends again, maybe after Stella broke up with Herman, but deep in her heart she didn’t believe that anymore. It was like getting a spot on your dress, or on your favorite blouse; you pour salt on it right away, you wash the blouse at two hundred degrees and the spot is gone. But the colors have faded too — you hang it in the closet and never wear it again.

Now, however, Laura and Stella looked at each other almost like they used to, and Stella rolled her eyes, breathed an inaudible sigh, and nodded toward David, who was still slouching on the couch. And Laura nodded back, to show that she agreed with her friend. What a wimp, not to stand up for his girlfriend. Cow or no cow, any kind of man would have gone after her right away.

Lodewijk stood up. “Shall we do it then?” he said to Stella. “You can take care of the girl things and I’ll represent the ‘practical boys’ standpoint.”

“Maybe someone should go who’s a bit more neutral,” Michael said. “Ron or me. Or Ron and me. I mean, you’re Herman’s girlfriend, Stella. And you, Lodewijk…yeah, how shall I put this…”

“Yes?” Lodewijk said, grinning broadly. “Do tell. What was it you were going to say, Michael?”

“I don’t have to explain that to you, do I?” said Michael, grinning back. “At least, I hoped I wouldn’t have to explain that to you.”

“I’ll go with Stella,” Laura said. She got up. “Better that way. Just girls. Women…I almost said ‘woman to woman,’ but that reminds me too much of my mother.”

“And then?” Herman said. “What are you two going to say?”

“You don’t even want to know, sweetheart,” Stella said. “Just be glad you’re not there. Right, Laura?”

—

Miriam was sitting on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands, her suitcase open at her feet; there were clothes in it that looked as though they had been pitched in there in a hurry. Yes, Miriam was the only one of them who brought a suitcase; that too said something about who she was, Laura knew, even though she wouldn’t venture to say exactly what.

Stella and Laura did the things one does in such cases. They sat down on the bed, on either side of Miriam. Stella put an arm around her. Laura said: “I think you shouldn’t take it so hard. It was nothing personal. Herman never means it personally. Right?”

At that final Right? she leaned forward a little to look at Stella. But Stella had just put her head up against Miriam’s and didn’t look back.

“I figured, I’m going home,” Miriam said through her hands, which were still in front of her face. “I wasn’t going to stay here another minute. But then I thought about how late it is. There’s probably no bus at this time of night, I figured.”

“But that’s nonsense, isn’t it?” Stella said. “To go away because of something like that. It’s nothing personal, it never is with Herman.”

It took a full second before Laura realized that Stella hadn’t even heard what she, Laura, had just said. Miriam was sitting up now, she’d taken her hands away from her face.

“That’s me, Miss Practical,” Miriam said. “I want to go away, but the first thing I do is think about the bus schedules. That’s what makes me so different from you, that’s why you all think I’m a cow.”

Laura knew that one of them — Stella or she — should now say something like Hey, where did you come up with that? We don’t think you’re a cow at all! But she knew how contrived it would sound, so she waited for Stella to say it.

“You people don’t even see it,” Miriam said, before the silence became too painful. “I’m probably the only one who does. That’s why he hates me. And because of him, you all hate me too. No, no, you don’t have to say anything, don’t bother, I wouldn’t believe you if you did. Tomorrow I’ll be gone. Then you can all go back to your happy-go-lucky little lives without a practical cow like me around to get in your way.”