Witi Ihimaera - Bulibasha

‘There’s never been anybody else for me but your mother,’ he said.

That settled it.

‘We have to have another family meeting.’

So it was that the entire family gathered again to discuss what to do about Grandmother Ramona. Grandmother had agreed to come out of her bedroom to listen, but she was so fatigued she had to be helped to her chair.

The discussion didn’t get off to a good start. Straight away Grandmother’s sons and daughters took over, as was their right, and nobody else could get a word in edgeways. The first hour was filled with argument and counter-argument between them.

Aunt Sarah got hot under the collar. ‘Why should we be discussing this?’ she asked. ‘Mum has already said she will abide by our decision. We have made that decision. If she wants to starve to death, that’s her decision. Let it be on her own head.’

‘How dare you say that,’ Aunt Sephora interjected. ‘How dare you let our own mother die!’

‘Don’t be stupid!’ Aunt Sarah scoffed. ‘There’s no way the old lady will kick the bucket. This is just a try-on —’

‘Now wait a minute —’ Uncle Jack, Aunt Sarah’s husband, tried to intervene.

‘Who pressed your button?’ Aunt Sarah was withering. ‘You’re not part of the family. Speak when you’re spoken to.’

Uncle Jack’s nostrils flared. My mother looked down. In one fell swoop Aunt Sarah had re-established the pecking order, reducing all the spouses of Grandfather’s sons and daughters to people whose opinions came second. This was the way it had always been.

‘You’ve said enough,’ Aunt Ruth said. ‘I’m the eldest of the girls, Sarah. Get back into line.’

Then Grandmother Ramona made a slight movement of her head, as if the wind had lifted a veil from her face. It was significant enough to make everybody look at her.

‘He took me against my will,’ Grandmother Ramona said. Her voice knifed up from the past. ‘You’re all old enough to hear the truth. Your father stole me away from Rupeni and took me against my will.’

Esther started to sob. ‘No, Mum, I don’t want to hear —’

Aunt Ruth, sensing what was about to happen, waved her arms at us who were the grandchildren –

‘All you kids clear out.’

It was too late.

‘You,’ Grandmother Ramona pointed at Uncle Matiu, ‘are the first one born from his taking of me against my will. And you,’ she pointed at Uncle Maaka, ‘are the second.’

‘Didn’t you kids hear? Out of the room, all of you!’ Aunt Sarah was beside herself. ‘Everybody out. Everybody except the family.’

But Grandmother was merciless. ‘Stop ordering everybody around, Sarah. This is not your house. Everybody stay . You should all hear this.’ Her eyes glittered. Her voice, when it came again, was precise, matter-of-fact.

‘He took me into the scrub and he kept me locked up in a shearing quarters. He had planned it all along. He took me. Six times the first day. Six times the second. It hurt. It always hurt with him. He was like a bull. So big. He gored me. Trampled on me every time. I pleaded with him to stop. I knew I was already pregnant. As soon as he did it to me that first time, I knew.’

Uncle Matiu’s face was quivering.

‘Shut your ears, all of you,’ Aunt Sarah said. ‘Mother doesn’t know what she’s saying.’

‘Don’t you tell me what I know and what I don’t,’ Grandmother Ramona answered. ‘You know nothing, Sarah. Nothing. I tried to get away from him. I knew that Rupeni must have been looking for me. Once I heard somebody in the scrub and thought it must be him. On the third day I managed to get free, but’ — her voice drifted — ‘Rupeni was already on his way to France. I thought that Tamihana would let me go, after he’d had his way. But he wanted to keep me. What for? I don’t know. Who knows how a man is or how he thinks? Anyway, it was too late. I was hapu. I couldn’t go back to anybody — to Rupeni or my father and family. A week after I was stolen away, Tamihana brought me down from the bush. My father was waiting with a shotgun and wanted to kill him. I said, “No, e pa, for I am with this man’s child. It is too late.” He asked me, “How do you know?” A woman always knows. When the seed gets planted inside here’ — Grandmother pointed to her thighs — ‘a woman knows. She is supposed to feel joy. But for me there was no joy. There was only shame. You know, four years later when Rupeni came back — I had three babies by then — he asked me to be with him. Did you know that? He said he didn’t care that I had been taken by Tamihana. But I knew if I went to him that he would always have pictures in his head of your father sleeping with me, and raping me, and they would always come between us. All my children would be reminders that Tamihana had taken me first.’

Grandmother looked across at Matiu. She raised an arm to him. ‘It was not your fault, son, that you were born of rape. It was not mine either. When I was carrying you, I hated you. I wanted to take a stick and push it up inside me and kill you. When you were born I hated you because you looked so like him. Every time I looked at you I would think, “You should have been Rupeni’s. You should have grown from Rupeni’s seed.” But my breasts were heavy with milk and, after a time, I grew to love you because you had nobody to defend you.’

Grandmother gestured to all her sons and daughters. ‘I grew to love you all.’ Yet she was firm. ‘But all of you, even my grandchildren, all of you are the result of couplings in which Tamihana took me against my will. It is the truth. I swear it before God.’

Uncle Ruka snorted in contempt. ‘I don’t believe any of this. Dad wasn’t like that.’ He looked at Grandmother Ramona. ‘You’re telling us that he raped you every time?’

Grandmother Ramona lifted her head. ‘It is always like the male to think that women enjoy being taken when they don’t want to be taken, ne? You think we will get used to it, ne? It’s one of your fantasies, ne? Hear the truth then. It was always rape. Yes, I got used to it. I got used to closing my eyes and wishing he would get it over with. And of course there were times when he was good for me. Your father could make me tremble with need. He could look at me and I would start to moisten and flower for him. I am an animal, yes. But those times, too, were rape. At those times I would shut him away out of my head. I never initiated my times with your father. And when I cried out, it was always Rupeni’s name that was on my lips. Your father hated that. You want to know why he always beat me? Because whenever we made love and he was enjoying it I would spit out Rupeni’s name. Right to the very end.’

‘Did Father ever love you?’ Aunt Miriam asked. ‘Did you ever love him, Mother?’ Miriam was a romantic. She needed something to cling on to in the maelstrom.

‘Ah, love,’ Grandmother mused. ‘That is a different thing. Yes, your father loved me. He asked me to marry him, but I always refused. When he found religion it was a release for me too. I said “Yes” when he asked me to be baptised with him. But I always said “No” when he wanted us to marry. To marry him would have been to bless that act of abduction, and you know our teachings: I didn’t want to be tied to your father for all eternity.’ Grandmother paused, thoughtful. ‘Love? I think your father loved me because he wanted to possess me and he never could. There have only been two people in this family he was never able to possess. Me and Himiona.’

Me? Did that mean Grandfather loved me ?

‘But there was something else,’ Grandmother continued. ‘In the beginning he wanted me because he didn’t want Rupeni to have me. You understand? He would never have taken me if I hadn’t been intended for Rupeni. His jealousy of Rupeni was beyond understanding.’ Grandmother paused again. ‘Did I love your father? I stayed with him for over sixty years.’