Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

Besides, I tell her, I’m NOT autistic. William H. is autistic.

Caitlin, she says. Did you know that William is very good at soccer? And that he can play the piano? And that he’s my friend?

No. I knew that he had Mrs. Brook time but I didn’t know they were friends.

I like William, Mrs. Brook says. And I can’t play the piano at all or play soccer. We all have different talents —

I know, I say.

But Mrs. Brook talks right on top of my words — and just because we’re better at some things than William doesn’t mean we’re any better than he is.

I didn’t say that.

But it sounds like that’s what you meant.

I nod and sigh. It is what I meant.

Do you see how it’s not fair for you to —

Yes, I say. It’s my turn to talk on top of her words now. I Get It. William H. even remembers to smile a lot more than I do so there are several things he’s better at than me. I sigh again. But I’m still not like him. Not exactly. I Look At The Person. Am I?

We all fall on the spectrum of behavior somewhere. She puts one hand on one side of the table and her other grips the far side. Here’s the spectrum, she says. It’s a line and we’re all on it. Some of us are farther along the line than others.

I know from art class that a spectrum is all the colors of the rainbow. It’s more like a prism than a line. Or maybe a fat line with lots of colors. I don’t like the way colors blur together in art. How do you know where one ends and the other begins? I have to know exactly where I am in space. That’s why I draw in black and white.

Mrs. Brook picks up one hand and runs a finger almost all the way to the end of the table. You’re around here. Very high functioning. Very smart. Very capable.

William H. is on the other side, I say.

William is farther along the line. Yes.

I grip the edges of the table like Mrs. Brook and squinch my eyes at the tabletop and wonder which spot EXACTLY is me. I don’t want to run into anyone else. You just don’t know what might happen.

Are you feeling better now Caitlin?

I think I’ll skip the friend thing.

You should be very proud of yourself for trying so hard today. Remember that everyone can find a friend. She is still gripping the edges of the table. So hard that her knuckles are pale. And obviously we need to work on friendship skills in the fifth grade as a whole. These girls need some educating.

They need to learn some finesse too, I say.

Mrs. Brook nods. Yes. And some better friendship skills.

I know it. They will never make friends that way.

AFTER RECESS I HATE PE THE most. Recess I hate because everyone screams and runs around crazy and grabs you and pushes you and you have absolutely no idea what will happen next. At least in PE there is a teacher so you know what will happen next even though it might involve screaming, grabbing and running around crazy.

Class! Mr. Mason shouts. He always shouts. It’s just what PE teachers do. Boys! JoshNelson-BruceShaneJoey! Stop that right now or you’ll be getting a special one-way ticket to see Miss Harper!

I don’t see why they get to have a special one-way ticket to the principal’s office. I’m behaving myself perfectly and I am getting no free tickets.

I’m breaking you boys up! Josh — Josh! You and Nelson are on that side of the gym and the rest of you hooligans are on this side! Shane and Bruce! You’re in charge of William H. His assistant isn’t here today. Make sure he doesn’t run off if I turn my back!

Can we have free play today? a boy asks.

When pigs fly, Mr. Mason says. I’m not sure what he means by that.

Dodgeball today! he yells, and I start sucking on my sleeve. Dodgeball is bad enough but I hope he doesn’t try to make us wear pinnies. I hate the feel of them. And they remind me of clamshells and I hate the gooey icky inside of a clam.

He goes to the closet and pulls out the big cardboard box with the pinnies and I start sucking both sleeves. He grabs William H. who is trying to run out the door. Shane and Bruce! What did I just tell you? You’re watching William H.! Everyone else — put on these pinnies! And hurry! William H. loves dodgeball so the sooner we get this game started the better! Mr. Mason starts throwing yellow and red pinnies at people around the gym.

A yellow one lands at my feet and I stare at it.

Come on Caitlin! Pick it up!

I stare at it.

What’s the problem!

I don’t like clams.

Me neither! Put on the pinnie!

Mr. Mason! Shane yells. I can’t hold William H.!

Mr. Mason swears and goes to grab William H. Hurry up and get ready! He looks over at me. Caitlin! The pinnie!

But I don’t like clams.

What’s that got to do with the price of fish!

What? Why is he talking about fish?

Oh for the love of — Why do they give me all the autistic kids?

Some people laugh. I’m not sure who all the autistic kids are. I thought William H. was the only one.

Some girls are whispering next to me. I brace myself because when a bunch of girls is whispering that usually means someone will squeal or scream so I need to be prepared. Emma is one of the girls and she’s pretty loud most of the time.

This time is no different. She tells Mr. Mason, Some of us need to go see Mrs. Brook.

Why? Mr. Mason asks.

I wonder too. I never knew she went to see Mrs. Brook.

The other girls are also looking at her. Finally she answers. It’s a girl thing.

Mr. Mason’s face goes red and he nods.

I will have to remember that remark.

Emma looks at me then at Mr. Mason then back to me. I think you should come with us.

I follow Emma and two other girls down the hall to Mrs. Brook’s room. Emma is complaining loudly about Mr. Mason, saying, That was SO inappropriate, even though there’s No Talking In The Hall. I try to remind her but Emma’s voice takes up all the room. When she grows up she should be one of those TV interviewers on Fox Five News who doesn’t let anyone else talk even if they try.

When we get to Mrs. Brook’s room she’s on the phone but it doesn’t stop Emma from blurting out something so fast I can’t even follow it.

Mrs. Brook tells the phone person she’ll have to call back and she hangs up.

What happened? Mrs. Brook asks.

No one says anything.

What exactly did Mr. Mason say?

Still no one says anything.

Then they all look at me.

This means they want me to tell Mrs. Brook what happened.

So I do. Mr. Mason wants to know why they give him all the autistic kids.

Mrs. Brook’s neck does its turtle jerk. She looks at the girls. I see.

I look at Emma and the other two girls also. I don’t think they’re autistic. I don’t know who he’s talking about.

Emma looks at me with a sad face. He was talking about you.

But I’M NOT —

I know, she says quickly. He shouldn’t have said that.

He knows that too, Mrs. Brook says. We’re all still… very stressed.

One of the other girls says, William H. doesn’t have his assistant so Mr. Mason is going a little nuts.

Oh dear! Mrs. Brook stands up. Someone should have told me!