Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

Oh, Caitlin! You poor thing! She covers her mouth again. And you’ve been working so hard!

Yes. Dad’s right about how hard it is. Now I Get It.

Well, she says, I don’t know exactly what quarter-cut oak is but I do know this much: it is not wood cut from an oak tree with a quarter.

Oh. I guess I don’t Get It then.

I’m going to call your father.

Why?

I want to ask him what quarter-cut oak is and tell him how hard you’ve been working to get it.

Here’s the funny thing. Quarter-cut oak just means the way the oak tree is cut into boards for Mission furniture like Devon’s Mission chest. I wish Dad would just tell me these things. It would make life a lot easier.

YOU GAVE MRS. BROOK A SCARE, Dad says.

What?

She was very upset when she saw your fingers scraped up like that.

I was more upset. They’re my fingers.

I… understand you were trying to get some quarter-cut oak.

Yes and I Get It now. You were right. It’s really not easy.

He sighs and looks at the sheet-covered chest in the corner for the first time ever and I want to start shaking my hands but I know that does not make Dad happy so I sit on them instead. My throat is sore and there is a double recess going on in my stomach but I say, Dad. I want to finish the chest.

I know, he says. But he doesn’t say he will.

I want to get to Closure. Everything is starting to blur.

I know, he says even more quietly.

You need to get to Closure too.

This time he doesn’t even say I know but he nods.

I think about what Devon would say. You have to Work At It Dad. You have to try even if it’s hard and you think you can never do it and you just want to scream and hide and shake your hands over and over and over.

Dad wipes his eyes and I do too because mine are blurry and somehow I think it’s really important to see right now. What I see is that his body is shaking which means he’s crying and soon his voice comes out in strange-sounding gasps that sound like he is laughing weirdly or throwing up except nothing is coming out of his mouth. Finally he covers his face with his hands and stops the noise and his body stops shaking and after he sniffs twice he takes his hands away from his face and turns his head to me.

How did you get to be so smart?

I shrug. I’m really working hard on finesse.

Then he takes my hands in his and I don’t even pull them away because he is looking at my cuts closely and I would want to do that too if I saw cuts on somebody’s hands so I let him look.

Do you still really want to do this?

I don’t know if he means to keep cutting the oak tree or work on the chest but I say, Yes, just in case he means the chest.

You think this will bring us Closure?

I shake my head. No. I know it will.

He blows a little air out of his nose and nods. He lets go of my hands and does one more big sigh. Maybe we can make something good and strong and beautiful come out of this.

Good and strong and beautiful. I like those words. They sound like Devon. I want to build something good and strong and beautiful.

Okay, Dad says . Let’s do it.

YAY! I shout! YAY DAD! YAY FOR ME! YAY FOR DEVON! LET’S START NOW!

Dad puts his arms up like he’s being arrested. Okay. Okay. This means quiet.

When can we start ? I whisper.

First you need to learn a little about woodworking. We have some books —

I already read them! I shout because I forget to whisper.

You did?

Yes. You threw the books in Devon’s room. Remember?

He nods. Okay. You’ll still need to do some hands-on learning. You have to do it and feel it to really Get It.

Oh. Okay. I want to really Get It.

All right but it’s bedtime now and we need a good sleep before working on it. We can start tomorrow.

First thing?

We’ll need to get some supplies first.

Lowe’s?

He nods.

They open at seven a.m. remember? When you and Devon used to work on the chest on weekends you got up early and —

I know.

We need to leave at six forty a.m. to get there in time and get a spot right by the door so we’re first in line okay?

He sighs. Okay.

Do you want me to wake you up?

No. I can get up.

Are you sure?

Don’t I get up on time every morning?

Yes. But what does that have to do with tomorrow morning?

I’ll get up. Don’t worry.

Okay but I’ll wake you up if you’re not up by six a.m. so you have time to shower.

After I go to bed I decide I should take the sheet off the chest to remind Dad we have to work on it but I have to stay up a long long time because Dad sits on the sofa forever just staring at the sheet. When he goes to bed I get up and go to the living room and take the sheet off the chest and I smile at all of its parts because we are finally going to have Closure.

And I hide the sheet inside my purple fleece and stuff it way under my bed where Dad can’t find it in case he changes his mind.

I SHOW DAD DEVON’S LIST AND he nods. We go to Lowe’s and get a lot of the supplies on the list including quarter-cut oak. We also buy things that aren’t on the list. Like wood filler.

Before we can add anything to the chest Dad first has to put wood filler where the holes are from when he wrenched out the screws and threw the chest on the floor on The Day Our Life Fell Apart. He also has to cut out some sections that he destroyed when he kicked the chest on The Day Our Life Fell Apart. I think about those words and how I haven’t said them lately. I think that maybe now is the day we start to put our life back together.

It takes Dad a long time to fix the parts that he broke. He scrunches up his face and makes noises like it hurts him as much as the chest. He even says, This is rough, and, This is hard.

I know, I say, after he says, This is hard, for the third time. This is what happens when you have a TRM, I tell him. You make a mess. It’s okay. You just have to try harder next time.

I am trying hard, Dad says.

I know. You get a sticker.

Thank you.

Okay. You get another sticker for being polite.

Thanks. His lips press together and it almost looks like a smile. I forgot that Dad used to smile. I wonder if Closure will make him smile.

After a while Dad sits on the sofa and turns on Fox Five News.

You’re not quitting are you? I ask him.

No. I’m just stuck. And I want to watch the news.

I don’t like the news.

I’ll only watch a little.

Is there any other way to get unstuck?

You can go get one of those woodworking books. It has the word Mission in the title. I need to take a look at it.

Okay. I run to Devon’s room. I find the Mission book and start to leave but look back at the room. The sun is shining behind Devon’s blue shade and I go back in to put his shade up so the sun pours in and makes his room warm and bright and I can see dust particles in the beams of light that maybe are part of Devon or maybe not but they make Devon’s room look happy again.