Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

WHEN DAD PICKS ME UP EARLY at school he starts asking me about my TRM but I tell him, We need to go to Lowe’s!

What?

Right now!

What’s all this about, Caitlin?

Closure! Drive fast!

His voice keeps going but I’m too busy bouncing in the backseat to hear the words.

I run into Lowe’s and race up and down the aisles and Dad is chasing me saying, Caitlin Caitlin! Excuse me ma’am! Sorry! Caitlin! Excuse me! until I find the place with the hinges and I’m panting with excitement and I shake my hands for Dad to hurry up and he’s panting too and says, CAIT-LIN! but I say, Which ones? as I rattle the different-sized boxes of hinges.

He is still panting but doesn’t say anything right away until he says, What are you talking about?

THE HINGES! Which ones do we need?

He tilts his head. For what?

THE CHEST! Why doesn’t he Get It?

Chest?

DEVON’S CHEST! HIS EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT!

Dad’s shoulders slump and his head falls. He puts a hand on his forehead and closes his eyes.

Can I help you? a man in a red apron says.

I look at Dad. He is not helping so I say, Yes, even though I don’t like talking to strangers. We need hinges for the chest.

What kind of hinges?

I Look At The Person. You are no help either.

He looks at Dad.

We don’t need any hinges today, Dad says quietly.

Why not? I ask.

I’m not ready to work on the chest.

I am.

We need to talk about this first.

Okay. Talk.

At home.

Then we’ll have to come right back to Lowe’s again.

Later, he says.

What time?

I don’t know.

Can’t we just talk about this in the car and then come back in again?

He turns and starts walking down the aisle passing people who look at him and then at me. When he gets to the end of the aisle and turns right and disappears I am left with all the strangers staring at me. I start crying and run down the aisle screaming for Dad and even though I find him I cry all the way to the car and all the way home and for a long time in my hidey-hole in Devon’s room wrapped up in my purple fleece because Dad says he is not interested in working on the chest and not to ask him again for a very long time.

I GET A SPECIAL PHONE CALL AT school. It’s from Mrs. Brook. I get to go all the way to the office and talk on the phone at the front desk. Mrs. Brook says she just wants to talk to me personally and see how I’m doing because she can’t come back to school for a few more days.

I tell her all about how I finally found Closure but Dad won’t cooperate even though I know how to get us there.

She says I have to be patient and keep trying. Sometimes things don’t work the first time but then eventually they do.

Like finesse?

Exactly.

And making friends?

Yes.

Even for me?

Absolutely. I have confidence in you. You just have to keep trying.

Josh is walking into the principal’s office when I get off the phone.

He turns his head to me and whispers, Loser.

I know, I tell him, but I’m going to keep trying.

He shakes his head and snorts.

I guess he doesn’t believe I will Get It and sometimes I’m not so sure either but Mrs. Brook is confident so I’m going to keep working on my finesse.

Later that day I see Michael in the hall. I won’t see him at recess because while Mrs. Brook is away my schedule is back to first recess only. Even though he is not my friend anymore I do say, I found Closure but I still have to Work At It.

I had to tell him. I promised. Scout’s honor.

He looks at me funny so I decide he doesn’t want to be my friend anyway.

I find a white T-shirt in my closet and I draw an eagle on it with a permanent marker. I’m hoping that Dad will remember that Devon called me Scout and he’ll put the two together like this:

EAGLE + SCOUT

and he will think of Devon’s Eagle Scout project and we can work on it together.

Except he doesn’t notice.

I keep walking back and forth in front of the sofa.

Finally he says, Do you have to go to the bathroom?

No, I say. Do you like my T-shirt?

Mmm-hmmm.

I sigh. It’s EAGLE SCOUT. Get It?

Dad tilts his head.

It’s a picture of an eagle and I’m Scout.

Oh.

So are you ready to work on the chest yet?

He shakes his head.

Dad. We need to finish the chest.

He shakes his head again.

Why not?

We don’t even have all the wood.

We can buy some.

It’s special wood.

How special?

It’s a Mission chest.

What does that mean?

It’s a style of furniture that requires quarter-cut oak. The wood is expensive and it’s difficult to work with.

But I can help. It can be a group project. Mrs. Brook says I need to practice working on group projects so this will be perfect.

Dad leaves the living room.

I think about quarter-cut oak and how I still don’t actually know what that means. I know what an oak is. We have an oak tree in the backyard. I know what a quarter is. I have forty-seven in my State Quarters Map because Illinois and Florida and Iowa fell out and are under my bed somewhere I think. And I know what it means to cut something. I look up quarter-cut in my Dictionary but there’s no definition. I guess I have to put it together myself so quarter-cut oak is oak you cut with a quarter.

I have forty-six quarters in my State Quarters Map now because Virginia is coming out to cut the oak tree.

ALL I CAN SAY IS IT WILL TAKE my whole entire life to get some wood cut out of that oak tree with my Virginia quarter. Monday is a teacher workday so between Sunday and Monday I have spent six hours and thirteen minutes cutting that stupid tree. I will never get a whole piece of wood out of there. Plus my fingers are all bloody from scraping the bumpy bark and they hurt.

Mrs. Brook is back from visiting her difficult sister and the babies who are finally born now. It has been so long since I’ve seen her that when I get to her room I hold my hand up and wave to say hi.

She screams. This is not the reaction I expect. She should say something like, I missed you, or, It’s good to see you again. That’s what teachers normally say.

Caitlin, Mrs. Brook says, why are there cuts on your fingers? Her voice is high and shaky. What have you been doing?

Cutting.

What? It comes out as a scream. Her hand covers her mouth. Why? That comes out as a muffled crying moan.

I need the wood.

Her hand drops and she tilts her head. Excuse me?

For Closure.

Can you explain from the beginning?

Yes. I can but it’s a long story so I’d rather not.

I mean would you please start explaining now. Her voice is getting shaky again.

Okay. Fine. Dad doesn’t want to work on the chest and whenever I ask him if we can work on it because I’m trying to get to Closure he says we can’t because we need more wood but it has to be quarter-cut oak and Dad says that’s too hard to get but we have an oak tree and I have a quarter so I’ve been trying to get a piece of wood cut out of it.