Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

Her shoes squeak down the hall to the gym very fast and we follow. She speaks with Mr. Mason and takes William H. from Bruce and Shane.

Mr. Mason comes over to me.

I think he’s going to make me wear the pinnie so I start to talk but he interrupts me.

I’m really sorry Caitlin. I shouldn’t have said that remark about autistic kids.

I’m surprised to hear him speak without shouting. That’s okay. I think William H. is the only autistic kid they give you though.

You’re right Caitlin. He sighs. I learned a good lesson today.

Do I have to wear the pinnie?

He smiles. You know what? Today I think I have to wear the pinnie. He goes to the box and puts on a yellow pinnie but it only fits around his neck instead of his whole body and it looks like a scarf. People laugh at him but he laughs too. He also winks at me. And even though he looks funny I think he has learned a little finesse today.

WHAT IS A DAD-OH? I ASK DAD.

DAY-doe, he says, and it’s a groove in a piece of wood. But his lip curls up on one side.

He is starting to smile. I know what that means. Closure must be coming!

So I Work At It. I like DAD-OH better.

His lips curl up again on the left side.

I say Dad-oh four more times.

Here is the screwdriver Dad-oh.

Would you like a glass of water Dad-oh?

What do we do next Dad-oh?

Can I help you Dad-oh?

And his lips curl up on the left side every time.

And when I say it one more time, Good night Dad-oh, both sides of his lips curl up. So do mine. Because Closure is a very good thing to see.

After Dad-oh goes to bed and I’m sure he’s asleep I sneak into Devon’s room and borrow his Boy Scout knife and camping flashlight and go to the living room. Then I slide my head under the chest and turn on the flashlight so it lights up just the bottom of the chest. That way the room stays dark and Dad won’t know what I’m doing. I look for the perfect spot on the underside of the chest and I carve in big letters on his chest just like Devon did for me: SCOUT.

MRS. JOHNSON ANNOUNCES ANOTHER group project. I raise my hand. She closes her eyes for a moment and sighs. Yes Caitlin. I know you don’t want to be in a group but —

I do want to be in a group. This is going to be my first group project in a group. I add, In school, because I remember that the chest is kind of a group project with Dad-oh.

Oh. Okay. That’s great. She claps twice. Class! We’re going to the computer lab so you can do your research. We have to share the computers with the other fifth-grade class so some of you will need to sit at the tables.

Some people groan. I don’t. I just think one thing. Josh.

We’re lucky to have a computer lab at all in such a small school, Mrs. Johnson reminds us like she does every time we go to the computer lab. I’m going to bring some supplies with us and when we get there we’ll break into groups and I’ll tell you what the project is.

We all get up and I see Mrs. Johnson pick up two bins of markers which is a very good sign. It means there is drawing involved.

At the computer lab Mrs. Johnson says, Our project is on the state of Virginia. It’s a project that involves research and a lot of drawing because you’ll need the flag, the state flower, the state bird, et cetera.

I’m so happy! I love drawing!

Emma invites me to join her group with Brianna and Shane. Okay, I say, and I tell them how lucky they are. I’m probably the best artist in the state of Virginia.

Shane and Brianna look at each other and laugh. I wonder if they’re happy.

Emma chews her lip. You don’t have to be the best. You can do all the drawing though if you want.

Yay! I smile at my group until my cheeks start hurting and I have to stop.

Mrs. Johnson puts markers and paper and some books about Virginia on the tables. Shane wants to sit at the computer so I sit next to Emma and Brianna at one of the tables in the back of the room with a bunch of kids from the other fifth grade. Josh is at the table in front of ours. I don’t look at him. I start drawing right away.

Hey! You! Josh says.

I want to shake my hands but instead I draw even faster.

Emma whips her head up from the book she’s reading. Shut up Josh!

His face goes pink and his eyes blink a lot. I was just going to see if I could borrow a red marker. Thanks a lot! He turns around and sniffs.

I stop drawing and look down at my pile of markers next to me. There are three red ones. I take one and lean across the table and poke Josh in the back with it.

He whirls around. What the — !

Here, I say.

His lips squish around a lot so I can’t tell if he’s smiling or frowning but he takes the marker from me. He does not say thank you but I decide I’ll accept his thank you from earlier.

Shane looks up the state everything on the computer. The state dog is the American foxhound and the state fish is a brook trout, he calls out.

I draw them and also a dogwood — the state tree AND flower — with a cardinal in it — the state bird. Everyone thinks cardinals are red but actually that’s just the male. I don’t do colors so my cardinal is a female. When I’m done I show my group.

Brianna shakes her head. You traced that.

No I didn’t.

No one can draw like that.

I can. I told you. I’m probably the best artist in the state.

Yeah right.

I’ve seen what Caitlin can draw, Emma says. It’s awesome. And anyway it doesn’t matter. It can be traced or drawn for this project.

I drew it, I tell her.

Whatever, Brianna says.

Can you make the cardinal red? Emma asks.

I don’t do colors, I tell her.

Why not?

It’s easier when things are black and white.

But you’ve done the hard part already, Emma says. Coloring something in is easy. It’s drawing the tree and bird that’s hard.

Not for me, I say. Colors are mushy and I don’t know where they end or what happens to them when they run into each other because they change.

Emma tilts her head. I don’t Get It. Black and white is boring. Colors are beautiful.

I take a deep breath and try to explain. When you mix red and yellow it might come out orange like the sun when it’s setting but when you mix red and yellow another time it might come out like a school bus and when you do it again it might come out like a hornet. It’s always different. You don’t know what to expect.

Emma’s head is still tilted. And she’s not saying anything. Which means she REALLY doesn’t Get It because it’s unusual for Emma not to talk.

Never mind, I tell her. It’s too hard to explain. I’m not even sure I Get It myself.

I get to see Michael on the playground and talk to him for the first time in what feels like a really long time. I tell him all about the chest Dad-oh and I are working on.

He listens politely but his Bambi eyes are kind of fuzzy.

What’s wrong? I ask him.

I don’t Get It.

So I describe the chest and exactly what we’re doing to it and how it’ll look when we’re finished.

I still don’t Get It, he says.

I start describing the chest again.