Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

I ask Dad, Do you remember that movie?

What movie?

To Kill a Mockingbird.

Oh. Yes I do.

It’s a good one isn’t it?

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it but it was one of the best.

Devon liked it too.

Dad clears his throat and his hands clench and unclench the steering wheel. Yes he did.

Do you think I’m like Scout?

The little girl in the movie? Dad nods. Then he also says, Very much.

I grin. You’re like Atticus. He was brave.

Thank you. He sighs. I wish I were more like Atticus.

Being like Scout makes me happy so I want him to feel just like Atticus. Maybe you can get glasses like his.

If I ever need glasses I’ll think about buying some like his.

Maybe you should dress like him.

I’m not sure. His clothes are too practical for my kind of job.

Maybe you can shoot a dog.

We swerve on the road a little. I’d rather not do that.

Just one that was going to kill us. A sick dog. Can I get some overalls like Scout?

Honey… we have to live in the real world. I like you as Caitlin.

But you said the movie was the best.

For a movie. But this is real life. A movie isn’t as good as real life. It can’t even compare.

Dad is wrong about that. A movie is better than real life because in the movies only the bad guys die. Or you can pick the good movies where the bad guys die and only watch those. If you get tricked and a good person dies in the movie then you can rewrite it in your head so the good person lives and the part about death is superfluous.

Right honey?

Dad has been talking but I wasn’t ready to listen. What?

Life is special.

You mean… it’s not just me who’s special? It’s all of life?

Yes.

I guess the good news is that everybody has to put up with being special because everybody is alive.

ON MONDAY WE HAVE A FIRE drill which means first recess is late so they get to stay out for part of second recess. I don’t like that many kids at once. That many kids can only lead to problems which is exactly what happens. Mrs. Brook has to take three boys inside who get in a big fight.

I look around for Michael. I still feel warm and fuzzy because I’m his big sister. I’ll take care of him just like Devon always took care of me. Scout’s honor.

And then I see Michael and my hands start shaking.

He is on the monkey bars.

He is screaming.

And Josh is pulling on his legs.

NOOOOOOOO! I run all the way to the monkey bars and I HIT Josh hard and yell, LET GO OF HIM! LEAVE HIM ALONE! DON’T TOUCH HIM! YOU’RE EVIL!

Stop hitting me you freak! Josh yells.

But I have to keep hitting him because he won’t let go of Michael.

Stop! Stop! Michael says. And don’t call my friend a freak!

I’m helping him stay up, Josh says as I try to pry his hands off of Michael.

No you’re not! I say. You’re evil Evil EVIL!

Stop it or I’ll fall! Michael screams.

Josh lets go. You idiot! he says to me.

Don’t say that! Michael shouts.

Josh’s face is red. Can’t you see I’m trying to help?

You’re evil! I say.

Help! I’m going to fall! Michael screams. Somebody catch me!

Josh steps under Michael before I can stop him and I watch as Michael falls into his arms diagonally and Josh puts him upright and sets him carefully on the ground.

Josh looks at Michael then at me. His face is swollen and his voice cracks even though he only has one word to say. See?

Josh was helping me, Michael says.

Oh, I say.

No kidding? somebody asks.

I look around and there are a bunch of kids around the monkey bars now staring at Josh. I think Josh has just noticed them too. He steps back from the crowd.

Why does everyone think I’m bad? Josh’s voice is a whisper.

I don’t, Michael says, but his voice is covered up by the crowd talking.

Because you are, a boy says LOUD. Duh!

You’re mean, someone else says.

Yeah Josh, a voice shouts. It runs in your family.

Ooooh, a lot of people say.

I’m not like my cousin! Josh shouts. It’s not fair! Everyone blames me! He looks at the crowd.

They do? I say.

Yes! Everyone hates me because he killed those people. YOU hate me because of that!

I shake my head. No. I hate you because you’re mean to people. Except I guess you’re nice to Michael. I wish you’d make up your mind and be mean or be nice. Then I’d know how to feel.

I’m mean to people because they’re mean to me!

Oh. Well maybe if you’re nice to people they’ll be nice to you, I tell him.

Michael pulls Josh’s sleeve. I like you Josh. You read to me and you give me high fives and you stopped Avery when he was pushing me and you helped me up on the monkey bars and you promised you wouldn’t let me fall and you didn’t. You caught me Josh.

I don’t know why this is a reason to cry but Josh drops on his knees and covers his face. I can hear him crying behind his hands though.

The crowd is quiet now. Nobody says anything.

Michael kneels down next to Josh and pats his back. Caitlin thought you were trying to hurt me because sometimes you pull people off the monkey bars.

Josh is still sobbing. He stretches his hands so his palms cover his eyes and his fingers are covering the top of his head. It looks like he’s trying to cover his whole head but it’s not working. I watch him and I wonder if he wants a fleece or a sofa cushion to cover him up. That’s what I want when I feel bad.

Michael looks up at me with his Bambi eyes. In them I see sadness and I think it’s fear or maybe it’s confusion. I also see friendship. And I think there’s a look that means I need to do something to help. To answer the question. I think it’s the look I gave Devon. A lot.

So I kneel down on the other side of Josh and pat his back too and tell him it’s okay the same way Devon used to tell me and Dad still tells me. The way that I can really believe it. And if this is empathy I hope Josh can feel some of the empathy that’s starting to come out of me.

OUR GROUP PROJECT IS DONE and we have to present it to the class. Emma does all the talking and I hold up my drawings so I can hide my face behind them. Mrs. Johnson and a lot of people say, Wow! That’s an awesome bird! Look at that dog! She can really draw! and nice things like that but this way I don’t have to Look At The Person. Also I don’t even have to say Thank You because Emma is trying to talk and it would be rude for me to talk at the same time.

The class claps. Mrs. Johnson gives us an A. She puts all of my drawings on the bulletin board and I feel happy until she puts other people’s drawings up and theirs are all in color. Now mine don’t look as good somehow. I stare at mine and wonder how they would look with color even though I like things better without color. I think.

Emma says that our group should sit at lunch together so we do. Shane shrugs. Brianna rolls her eyes. I eat my cheese crackers and chocolate milk and fruit leather strip.

Could you chew with your mouth closed please? Brianna asks. Her eyes are big and so is her voice. I’m confused. I’m not sure who she’s talking to.