Genki Kawamura - If Cats Disappeared from the World

“I see…”

“At first I turned her down because I had broken up with you years before, and I didn’t expect to see you again. But then she said it didn’t matter if you never got it. She just wanted someone to have the letter. And then, when I saw that Cabbage had turned up here today and that you were beside yourself in tears, I realized that it was time to give you the letter.”

“Now?”

“She did say to give it to you if you were going through a difficult time.”

“Right…”

“Your mother was really great. She just knew things. It was like she had magical powers or something.”

Hearing herself say this, she laughed.

I sat down on the sofa in the theater lobby and put Cabbage on my lap.

Then I carefully opened the letter. On the top of the first page in large letters (she had beautiful handwriting) it said: “Ten things I want to do before I die.” The title was a bit of an anticlimax. So both mother and son, without knowing it, had written the same thing. I couldn’t help but laugh and carried on to the second page.

I don’t have much longer to live, so I thought I’d note down ten things I’d like to do before I die. I’d like to travel, and enjoy delicious gourmet meals, and I’d like to kit myself out in some really stylish clothes. But then, as I wrote these things I began to wonder. Was this really the kind of thing that was important to me? Is this really what I want to do before I die? I started a new list when suddenly I realized that all of the things I wanted to do before I died were for you. Your life will go on for many years beyond mine, and in the course of that life there’ll be both good times and bad. You’ll experience joy, but there will also be times of sadness and pain. So I decided to write down ten beautiful things about you so that whenever you’re going through a difficult time, you’ll be given the courage and self-belief to go on.

So instead of a list of ten things I want to do before I die, this is what I wrote.

Things that are beautiful and good about you:

When people are sad, you’re able to cry along with them.

And when people are happy you’re able to share their joy with them.

You look really sweet when you’re asleep.

Your dimples when you smile.

Your habit of rubbing your nose when you’re worried or anxious.

Your concern for the needs of others.

Whenever I caught a cold you helped with the housework, and acted like you enjoyed doing it.

You always ate whatever I cooked as if it were the most delicious thing in the world.

How you’d think deeply and ponder over things.

And after all that brooding you always seemed to come up with the best solution to the problem.

As you go on with your life, always remember the things that are good in you. They’re your gifts. As long as you have these things, you’ll find happiness, and you’ll make the people around you happy. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. And goodbye. I hope you always keep hold of these things that are so beautiful about you.

The tears rolled down and fell on the letter like warm, salty drops of rain. I quickly wiped them off, not wanting to ruin a letter that mattered so much. But when I tried to stop I just cried more and more, and the letter got wetter and wetter, the ink beginning to smudge. Along with the tears, came a torrent of memories of my mother.

Whenever I caught cold my mother would rub my back. Once I got lost when we were at an amusement park and began to cry. I remember how my mother ran to me, and picked me up and held me. When I wanted the same kind of lunch box as all the other kids, my mother ran around town all day long to find just the right one. I always fidgeted when I was asleep, and my mother would come in and put the covers back on. She always bought me new clothes when I needed them and never bought anything for herself. She made the best Japanese rolled omelet. I could never eat enough of it and she’d give me her portion. For her birthday I gave her a voucher for a shoulder massage, but she never used it. She said it was too much of a treat for her and didn’t want to waste it. She bought a piano and played my favorite songs for me, but she wasn’t very good and always tripped up and made mistakes in the same places.

My mother… Did she have any hobbies of her own? Did she have any time to herself? Were there things she wanted to do, hopes and dreams? I wanted to at least thank her, but never found the words. I never even bought her flowers because it seemed cheesy. Why couldn’t I at least have done something small? It was such a simple thing. And when she finally left this world it came as such a shock. I hadn’t ever imagined that she would die.

“In order to gain something you have to lose something.”

My mother’s words came back to me.

Mom, I don’t want to die. I’m afraid of dying. But it’s just like you used to say.

Stealing things from others in order to live is even more painful.

“Come now, sir, dry those eyes.”

I heard a voice and looked around. Cabbage was curled up on my lap looking at me. Suddenly he could speak again, and I was surprised. He still had that haughty tone of voice.

“It’s terribly simple. All you need to do is make cats disappear.”

“No, Cabbage, I can’t do that!”

“Why, if it were up to me, I’d have you live, sir. It shan’t be easy for me when you’re no longer with us.”

I never thought the day would come when I’d be moved to tears by the words of a cat. But I had a feeling he would have been able to communicate just as well with a meow and a purr. Just when I thought I’d calmed down, I began to tear up again.

“Oh, do please stop crying. My existence is a trifle compared to what you have already made disappear.”

“No, Cabbage, no. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

If cats disappeared from the world…

If Lettuce and Cabbage and Mom disappeared… I just couldn’t imagine it. I may not be the smartest guy, but I felt like I was beginning to understand. There’s a reason that things exist in this world. And there’s no reason good enough for making them disappear.

I’d made my decision. And I think that Cabbage above all understood my resolve. He was silent for a while, and then began to speak again.

“I understand, sir.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, just one more thing.”

“One more thing?”

“Close your eyes.”

“What for?”

“Never mind. Just close them.”

So I closed my eyes, and out of the darkness a figure appeared—it was my mother. Oh sweet memory… a memory of childhood.

When I was little I would get upset all the time, and wouldn’t calm down or stop crying. Then my mother would say softly, and gently, “Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“Never mind. Just close them.”

So I closed my eyes, still crying. In the darkness my emotions became a black whirlpool swirling round and round.

“What do you feel?”

“Sad and upset, Mama.”

I slowly opened my eyes, and my mother went on as she gazed at me.

“All right, next make a happy face.”

“I can’t.”

“Go ahead. Even if you have to force it.”

My mind and body were at odds with each other. I couldn’t smile very well. I managed to twist my unwilling face into a smile, but I still felt bad. The tears didn’t stop.

The sound of my mother’s voice saying “take your time” soothed me, and I managed to force a smile.

“OK now, close your eyes again.”

Prompted by my mother, I slowly shut my eyes. When I tried closing my eyes while smiling, no matter how forced it was, I could feel my emotions being soothed. The black whirlpool disappeared and what looked like a rising sun began to appear in the darkness. Gradually this gentle, cream-colored light would spread all around. I could feel my heart finally begin to warm as the light grew stronger and I was wrapped up in a feeling of tenderness.