Cecelia Ahern - How to Fall in Love

‘You’d get on my nerves. And Bryan just, you know, hovers ,’ I admitted.

Adrienne and Dad started laughing. Adam looked amused even though he had no idea who Bryan was.

‘That’s true, he does hover,’ Adrienne giggled. ‘I’d never realised that before.’

‘He’s always like this –’ Dad leered over Adrienne’s shoulder and made a face, and they both laughed. Adam laughed too.

‘That’s true,’ Brenda agreed again.

‘All I’m saying is, I’d appreciate it if the landlord would go a little more lightly on me,’ I said.

‘I’ve a mortgage to pay,’ Dad said, abandoning his leering pose and sitting back down.

‘This building’s been paid for one hundred times over, and there was no one in that flat before me for a long time. The place reeks of damp, the toilet doesn’t flush properly, and there’s no furniture to speak of, so you’re hardly missing out on a tenant by having me there.’

‘Excuse me. I furnished it for you.’

‘Putting a teaspoon in a drawer is not furnishing a flat,’ I exaggerated.

‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’

‘I’m not a beggar, I’m your daughter.’

‘And you can’t choose that, either.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything, Dad.’

He gave me a look to imply that it did mean something and I would have to figure it out.

‘So what are you two doing?’ Brenda asked Adam. ‘Is she going to place you in a new job and send you on your way?’

Adam looked slightly amused by it all; his eyes had a glint of light in them. ‘She has to convince me to like my life by my thirty-fifth birthday.’

They were all silent. They didn’t need to ask what would happen if he didn’t like his life by that deadline; it was implied.

‘When’s that?’ Adrienne asked.

‘Two weeks,’ I said.

‘Twelve days,’ Adam corrected me.

‘Are you having a party?’ Brenda asked.

‘Yes.’ Adam appeared puzzled by the direction they were taking.

‘Can we come?’ Adrienne asked.

‘You should get one of those cakes that looks like a cake but really it’s cheese. Big circular cheeses, all layered up. They’re very clever,’ Dad said.

‘Dad, you’re obsessed with cheese cakes.’

‘I think they’re clever.’

‘You look sad,’ Brenda said, staring at Adam.

‘That’s because he is sad,’ Adrienne said.

‘I don’t know if Christine is the right person for you,’ Brenda said. ‘JJ Recruitment is great.’

‘Or I know an excellent therapist,’ Adrienne offered. ‘Which Christine is not,’ she emphasised.

‘If it’s that man you’re seeing, I wouldn’t recommend him,’ Dad told her.

‘Hold on, are you questioning my skills?’ I asked. ‘Recruitment is more than simply finding someone a job. I help people all the time. I find out what people are looking for, then I take them from one place in their lives and bring them to another.’ I tried to sell myself to Adam, without looking at him.

‘Like a taxi driver,’ Brenda said.

‘No … it’s more than that.’ I tried not to let my frustration show because I knew they were only winding me up.

‘Nobody’s questioning your skills,’ Brenda said.

‘She means because you’re sad too,’ Adrienne clarified.

‘Well, maybe they’ll make each other happy,’ Dad said, standing. ‘Meeting’s adjourned, let’s get to work. Best of luck, Martin, and look into those cakes made with cheese. Very clever.’ He flashed Adam a pearly white smile and made his way back to his office. There was the sudden sound of a police frequency.

‘He’s the best prospect you’ve ever brought home,’ Brenda said quietly as Adam left the office ahead of me, shaking his head as if unsure of what he’d witnessed.

‘Brenda, on Sunday night he tried to kill himself,’ I hissed.

‘Still. At least he had a life in him to kill. Barry barely had a pulse even on his best day.’

I followed Adam down the stairs.

‘Oh, by the way,’ Brenda screamed down the stairs, ‘Barry called me late last night to tell me you PEE IN THE SHOWER!’

Adam and I froze at the top of the steps. He slowly turned to face me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I marched down the stairs past him.

‘I don’t want to talk about that either,’ I said loudly.

I heard him give a small laugh. That lovely sound I’d heard so little of.

When we got into my office, Gemma had left a message on my desk. She had taken one of my own books from the shelf: How to Sincerely Apologise When You Realise You Have Hurt Someone . I took it that Gemma was advising me to read it as opposed to offering any apologies herself.

As the morning drew on there was a flood of phone calls, texts and voicemails from friends and acquaintances who had spoken to or received communication from Barry the previous night. I realised then that perhaps I should start reading. It sounded as though I might have a few apologies to make.

9

How to Enjoy Your Life in Thirty Simple Ways

The first thing I needed to do before sitting down with Adam was to cancel all of my appointments for the next two weeks. With no Gemma to help me with the logistics, I would have to delegate my work and meetings to my two colleagues Peter and Paul, who already weren’t talking to me after Gemma’s unfair dismissal. I sat down at Gemma’s desk and got started. Cancelling Oscar took me the longest as I called him just as he had allowed the third bus to pass without getting on. I had to talk him through the entire experience of getting on the bus, sitting down and doing breathing techniques, then tell him a story to distract him, and then I had to supply him with my mobile number because he was so distressed that I would be out of the office for the next fortnight. But by the time I’d finished, I was able to bid farewell to an exhilarated man who felt like he could take on the world after accomplishing three bus stops. His next task was to walk home, which he would do with a spring in his step. As soon as I’d hung up, Adam shouted to me from my office.

‘ Forty-two Tips on How to Think Positive Thoughts When Everything Is Going Wrong …’ Another book title from my collection. ‘ Thirty-Five Ways to Think Positively …’ He snorted derisively. ‘These numbers intrigue me. Why so specific? Why forty- two and not forty? Why can’t you round off your positive thoughts to the nearest ten?’

He moved along the shelf.

‘ Five Ways to Show Love , Five Ways to Conserve Your Energy . Ten Ways to Conserve Energy .’ He laughed. ‘Okay, I think I see how you do it. You file these in order of numbers, right? Do you say to yourself, “Today I’m in the mood for a long route to conserving my energy”, or “Today I’m feeling quite tired so I’m going to take the short cut to conserving energy”? Surely you would always go for five ways to conserve your energy, because wouldn’t doing ten things when you had the option of five defeat the purpose? Do you think the person who wrote the five ways has a lot more or less energy than the person who wrote the ten ways? Because he has more methods, but he wrote a shorter book, which was probably less exhausting. They should meet up; maybe this guy could write a book called How to Advise People How to Write How-to Books . Six ways, twelve ways, thirty-nine ways, sixty-six ways – yes, we have a winner!’ He held a book in the air. ‘ Sixty-six Ways to Solve Your Money Problems . Sixty-six? I know just one: go to work ,’ he said to the book, and continued to browse.

‘Some people can’t work.’

‘Of course. Stress is the new back problem.’