Cecelia Ahern - How to Fall in Love

‘So how do you know Christine?’ Brenda asked Adam. ‘Take a seat,’ she pulled out a chair.

Adam looked at me. I shrugged tiredly and then he sat.

He made a rapid assessment of my family and then said, ‘She stopped me from jumping off the Ha’penny Bridge last night.’

‘She’s always been a killjoy,’ Adrienne accused me.

‘He wasn’t jumping for fun,’ I explained.

They all looked at him.

He fidgeted a little, unsure what to do with their stares in the light of that revelation. I’m sure he was wondering whether his timing was off, whether he should have mentioned it at all. But they were good at that, my family: drawing you in and making you feel that the important stuff wasn’t really important at all. They decided what was.

Adrienne scrunched up her face. ‘But the Ha’penny? It’s not even that high.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Brenda asked her.

‘That’s hardly a drop at all. What is it, eight feet above the water?’

‘He wasn’t trying to kill himself with the drop, Adrienne,’ Brenda said. ‘I’d imagine he was trying to drown himself. Were you?’

They all looked at him.

He didn’t know how to answer, his surprise was so great. I was used to a range of reactions when I brought people home. Some of my friends couldn’t cope with them; others dived right in and joined them; others, like Adam, were content to observe the unusual rhythm of their talk and humour, without taking offence, since it was clear that none was intended.

‘I said I’d imagine you were trying to drown yourself?’ Brenda spoke a little more loudly.

‘He doesn’t have water in his ears, Brenda,’ Adrienne interrupted. ‘She saved him, remember?’

They chuckled a little. Adam looked at me in surprise.

I mouthed, sorry , and he shook his head with a puzzled expression, as if there was no need for me to apologise.

‘And well done, Christine,’ Dad said, giving me the thumbs up. ‘Good for you.’

‘Thanks.’

‘That probably makes you feel better about the last one, does it?’

Adam looked at me with a protective concerned expression.

‘But the Liffey isn’t that deep, is it?’ Adrienne asked.

‘Adrienne, you could drown face down in a puddle if you got stuck, or had broken your back or whatever,’ Brenda explained.

Adrienne looked at Adam. ‘Was your back broken?’

‘No.’

She narrowed her eyes. ‘Can you swim?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then I don’t get it. It would be like Brenda eating ice cream all day to get skinny.’ She turned to Brenda as an idea occurred to her: ‘Which in fact, you do try to do.’

‘Andrew, would you like to see my ad?’ Dad asked.

‘His name is Adam, and no he doesn’t,’ I said.

‘I’m sure he can speak for himself.’ Dad looked at him.

‘Yeah, sure, why not?’

Dad left the table and went to his office.

‘Dad’s an ambulance chaser,’ Brenda explained.

‘He does personal injury law,’ I clarified. ‘Makes more money than the two of them put together.’

‘And spends it on pedicures,’ Brenda said.

‘And his back, sack and crack,’ Adrienne said, and they both cackled.

‘I heard that, and I only did it once,’ Dad called, returning from the office with a video cassette in his hand. ‘I was in India in extreme heat and it made the world of difference,’ he explained calmly and we all winced at the image. ‘Did you hurt yourself on the bridge, Andrew?’

‘It’s Adam, and no,’ he replied politely.

‘No rusty nails, sore neck, that kind of thing?’

‘No.’

Dad looked disappointed. ‘No matter. Now where can we watch this thing?’

‘Our TV doesn’t play cassettes. That’s prehistoric.’

Again, he was disappointed. ‘You know this ad was before its time. I filmed it twenty years ago. Ireland wasn’t ready for it. But now you see those guys on TV all the time. Especially in America. If you accidentally cut your big toe with the clippers they can get you money.’ He shook his head in admiration. ‘Do you have a VCR? You could go home to get it and bring it back.’

‘He lives in Tipperary,’ I explained.

‘Why are you here?’

‘Dad, aren’t you listening?’

‘He tried to jump off the Ha’penny Bridge,’ Adrienne clarified.

‘But there’s great bridges in Tipperary. There’s the old bridge in Carrick-on-Suir, Madam’s Bridge in Fethard, that’s a pretty one and there’s the triple span railway viaduct over the River Suir—’

‘Okay, thanks,’ I interrupted.

‘So, Adam …’ Brenda rested her chin on her hand and stared at him, ready to gossip. ‘Did Christine tell you she left her husband?’

‘Yes.’

‘What do you think about that?’

‘I think it was heartless of her. It doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong,’ he said, as though I wasn’t standing right beside him.

‘He didn’t. I agree with you,’ Brenda said.

‘He was uninteresting though,’ Dad said.

‘Boring is not a divorceable offence,’ Adrienne said. ‘If that was the case Brenda would never have lasted with Bryan.’

‘True,’ Brenda conceded.

‘Bryan isn’t boring,’ Dad defended his son-in-law. ‘He’s an under-achiever. He’s lazy. It’s different.’

‘Also true,’ Brenda said.

‘We have to go,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to know who changed my locks, I just want the key to the new one.’

Brenda and Adrienne looked at Dad. He started laughing. ‘Sorry I couldn’t help it. She takes it so badly, it’s funny . I’ll get the key.’ He stood and made his way back to the office again with the cassette in his hand.

‘So I take it Gemma didn’t come here looking for a key?’ I asked. She was usually in before me, Peter and Paul in the mornings and I wasn’t ready to face another day without her, not after the chaos in the office the previous week.

‘We heard you fired her by dropping a How to Fire Someone book on her toe. That’s not very cool, Christine.’

Adam looked at me, discontent on his face.

‘It was an accident. Did she tell you that?’

‘She was here on Friday looking for a job.’

‘Tell me you didn’t give her one!’

‘We might.’

‘You can’t, she’s mine.’

‘You don’t want her, but you don’t want anyone else to have her. You’re an abusive employer. I’m definitely hiring her,’ Adrienne replied, an amused smile on her lips.

They loved to taunt me. They were all so alike. Their humour was and always had been unique and particular to them. I understood it but had never been amused by it. That made everything even more hilarious from their point of view, which served to escalate their behaviour. It was as though they had a secret club and were doing everything they could not to keep it secret, hoping to welcome me in. But it was impossible for me. I was too different. Black sheep was an understatement; I was a completely different species.

‘Gemma pre-empted my firing her. I was only thinking about it. I might have to make some cuts. The flat is costing me too much,’ I glared at Dad as he dangled the key and I snatched it from him.

‘I’ve never in all my years given a hand-out. You all have to pay your own way,’ he said.

‘There’s such a thing as a helping hand.’ I lost my temper a little.

‘Well then, get back with your husband,’ he said. ‘There are worse things than marrying boring. Look at Brenda. Those kids are the best advertisement for superglue that I’ve ever seen.’

‘Stay with me,’ Brenda offered. ‘We could always use some fresh blood.’

‘No. I don’t want to.’

‘Why not?’