Annie Wang - The People’s Republic of Desire

I drive to Mimi's office.

I cut straight to the chase as soon as I see Mimi. "Mimi, are you free? Can we have a chat about love and stuff?" I say.

Mimi laughs. "Of course."

"We've known each other for some time. Could I hear your love stories? Not as a reporter, but as a friend," I say.

Mimi nods.

"Mimi, you are a person with stories, right?"

"What about you, Niuniu?"

"My story?"

"Yes."

"Of course I have stories," I say. "Perhaps to other people they don't seem like anything much, but to me, they have had a deep influence. I really want to tell you. But I'm such a bad storyteller when it comes to my own story. I guess I'm more a listener than a storyte ller."

The two of us sit by a window looking over the Avenue of Heavenly Peace, and as the traffic flows past outside, Mimi begins to speak:

"My most deep-rooted experience wasn't love, but hurt. I once hurt a man who loved me. I hurt him very deeply. At the time, my family sent my sister Wenwen and me to the United States. I went to graduate school, and she was in high school. We lived together, looked after each other. We were best friends as well as sisters. We had a deep affection for one another. Our family was always very close. Wenwen was extremely clever, always the best female student in her class, better than me. We all thought that she would end up going to Yale Law School. But it all changed, because a man appeared.

"I fell in love with this man. My little sister Wenwen also loved him. I thought I should look after my younger sister, so I bowed out. But perhaps that man loved me. Because I gave up, he stayed with Wenwen for awhile. He tormented her, then left her, and disappeared. Later, he found me. By then I was already married. He had changed. He was very depressed, heartbroken. Only then did I realize how much I had hurt him when I rejected him.

"Wenwen loved him so much she went a little crazy. She was one of those obsessive girls. After she was dumped, Wenwen quit school, started taking drugs, gave up on herself, and cut off contact with me. My parents were worried sick. Wenwen must have been deep in depression. She bought a gun – she wanted to die with him. When she saw him, she discovered she couldn't do it, but it was too late, because she had threatened him with a gun. She was arrested and went to jail. When she got out, she didn't love men anymore. She only loved women."

"Is she still in the States?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"In Montana, with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend is an environmentalist. They do environmental work together."

"It sounds just like a movie. What kind of man was he?"

"It's very difficult to use words to describe him. He was the kind of person who could be laughing and chatting at the most desperate times. But he seemed destined to be a tragic character. I can't explain."

"What does he do?"

"He is an ophthalmologist."

"What was his name?"

"Len."

"Len?" As I repeat the familiar name, I nearly lose control. Tragic character, ophthalmologist, Len, could there be more than one man like this?

"Yes, Len. L-E-N."

"Where is he now?"

"We haven't been in touch for many years. A year ago, after Wenwen got out of jail, he phoned me once. He said he regretted hurting Wenwen, and that he had hurt another girl. But he could never find that other girl. He was extremely unhappy."

"Did he say what that other girl was like?"

"He said she was sweet and innocent, just like Wenwen."

"What else did he say about her?"

"He didn't say anything else."

"Why is he still unhappy? Is his work not successful?"

"He is an outstanding ophthalmologist."

"Then why?"

"Perhaps he's just always been that kind of person."

"Perhaps Len still loved you, Mimi. He's unhappy because he still thinks of you."

"I didn't want it that way."

"But you know it in your heart. Giving way to Wenwen was your crime against him. You destroyed him! You destroyed Len. Never in his life could he attain you. Of course he is unhappy," I say, losing my gentleness.

"I used to think I was right. For the sake of my sister's happiness, I sacrificed my own love. But I was wrong. It was too simple. I wasn't a god, but I insisted on playing the part of a god." A tear trickles down Mimi's cheek. It is the first time I have seen Mimi cry. Mimi, this woman who has inner strength and self-confidence – crying. When she cries, it is so touching. She seems so frail. Such a perfect combination of inner strength and delicateness. What man could not be charmed by a woman like this?

"Tell me, do you still love Len?" I ask.

Mimi raises her head, closes her tearful eyes, and says, "The only man I love is my husband, Lee."

There was something ruthless about her curt finality. In an instant, Lee – elegant, tolerant, and healthy – has made Len's painful and melancholy love appear insignificant.

"If it weren't for Wenwen, if you had the freedom to chose, would you have chosen Len?"

Mimi tilts her head and thinks. "Probably not."

"But why? You loved him."

"Yes. Very deeply."

"But in spite of that, you would not have chosen to be with him?"

"He is a character from a story. But we live in the real world, not in a story."

"I don't understand."

"Some emotions last only for a moment, and some emotions can last forever."

"Do you mean that the feelings between you lasted only for a moment and not forever?"

"I don't know precisely how to explain this kind of emotion."

"You know. Someone as clever as you – of course you know how to explain it. You know the answer." I suddenly become angry with Mimi. Why did Len love this woman, care for this woman, when she didn't care?

"What answer?" Mimi sounds confused.

"I know what you really thought. You and Len had a moment of passion, you were turned on, and then you didn't want him. For you, he wasn't a good choice for a husband. He was too depressed, too crazy. You took advantage of the excuse to leave him to Wenwen. You wanted both an instant of passion and everlasting love. You really are a businesswoman. You will never come off second best. When you dumped Len, did you ever think about how he might feel?" I say, passionately making accusations at her.

Mimi looks at me, then lowers her head. "Niuniu, you can think whatever you want, I'm not going to stop you. But it's not at all the way you think it is."

"But don't you feel bad for Len? You have found happiness, but he is still unhappy. Because of you, he will never be happy for the rest of his life." I think of Len's sighs and heartache. How could I have expected that it was all for this mysterious Mimi.

"People can only destroy themselves, and people can only save themselves. Other people's strength is always limited. I hope Len can find his own happiness."

"Mimi, I have to go. Sorry for being so hysterical all of a sudden. It's probably P.M.S." I decide to leave and get up to hug Mimi. As we embrace, I can feel her pregnant stomach press against me. For a moment my anger and confusion subside and I am filled with a feeling of serenity. She told me before that she was expecting a baby.

"Take care of yourself and the baby!" I say to Mimi.

As I walk down the street, I think of Mimi. I like her so much. Why is it she? Why is she the one true love of Len's life? Everyone has secrets, sweet secrets and deadly secrets. There are reasons why some of them cannot be told. And this secret about Len, it seems, I should never have heard.

What makes me feel saddest is that, with this love and that love swirling around him, what did I mean to Len?

His world is so complicated. Is there a corner in it for me? Len, a man with such soul-stirring love. In his life, I was insignificant. But I have rewritten my life for him.