Gary Shteyngart - Super Sad True Love Story

I wanted to bring something up and I feel like it’s not really any of my beeswax. I know you want your family safe, but in some ways, does it make sense to have your father here, so close to you and your sister? Maybe I’m old-school, but when you talk about him walking into the shower when Sally is around, or how you watched him drag your mother out of bed by her hair, well, I think some people would call that physical and psychological abuse. I know there are cultural factors involved, I just want you and your sister protected from a man who obviously can’t control his behavior, and should be under supervision and taking medication. The lack of boundaries is one thing, but the violence sounds like it contravenes even Chinese basic law, forget about whatever hippie-dippy Scandinavian shit the Norwegians have. I hope you’ll move into my place soon (or we can get a bigger place if you feel claustrophobic), and then I’ll make sure no one ever touches or hurts you again.

Okay, my little empress penguin, looks like I’ll be working through the weekend, more Staatling internal stuff, but every seventh minute I look up at the ceiling or down at the floor and picture your open, honest face and feel completely serene and completely in love.

EUNI-TARD TO EUNI-TARD:

I’m writing this for me. One day I want to look back at this day and make peace with what I’m about to do.

All my life has been about doubts. But there’s no room for them now. I know I’m too young to have to make this kind of decision, but this is how things are.

I miss Italy sometimes. I miss being a complete foreigner and having no ties to anyone. America might be gone completely soon, but I was never really an American. It was all pretending. I was always a Korean girl from a Korean family with a Korean way of doing things, and I’m proud of what that means. It means that, unlike so many people around me, I know who I am.

Prof Margaux in Assertiveness Class said, “You are allowed to be happy, Eunice.” What a stupid American idea. Every time I thought of killing myself in my dorm room I thought of what Prof Margaux said and just started howling with laughter. You’re ALLOWED to be happy. Ha! Lenny always quotes this guy Froid who was a psychiatrist who said that the best we can do is turn all our crazy misery, all our parents bullshit, into common unhappiness. Sign me up.

I wake up next to Joshie feeling that way. But also with a little thrill. We were doing brushstrokes with M. Cohen and I couldn’t believe the concentration on Joshie’s face. The way his lower lip was just hanging there like a little boy’s and he was breathing really carefully, like there was nothing more important in the world than brushstrokes. There’s something powerful in being able to let go and focus on something that’s completely outside yourself. I guess Joshie has had a lot of privilege in his life and he knows what to do with it.

And then he noticed I was looking at him, and he just smiled like a little kid and pulled his lip in and tried to look his age, which I don’t think he can anymore. And I thought, Okay, I’m going to leave Lenny and I’m going to spend my life waking up next to Joshie, getting older every day, while he gets younger. There’s something right about that. It’s like my punishment. Morning, afternoon, night, sex, dinner, shopping, whatever it is we’re doing, I don’t feel turned off by Joshie and I don’t feel the opposite. I just want to do brushstrokes with him and hear that even, even breathing. He has these old slippers that are perfectly arranged by his bed just so he can slip right into them first thing in the morning, but they’re too big for him. He waddles around like an old man in them. And that’s something I can fix. I can fix him. I’m so glad he can take criticism. First thing I HAVE to do is get him new slippers. I guess I’m like a lucky version of my mother with Joshie. Like Froid said, common unhappiness.

Lenny. Will he ever forgive me?

I feel like a recycling bin sometimes, with all these things passing through me from one person to another, love, hate, seduction, attraction, repulsion, all of it. I wish I were stronger and more secure in myself so that I could really spend my life with a guy like Lenny. Because he has a different kind of strength than Joshie. He has the strength of his sweet tuna arms. He has the strength of putting his nose in my hair and calling it home. He has the strength to cry when I go down on him. Who IS Lenny? Who DOES that? Who will ever open up to me like that again? No one. Because it’s too dangerous. Lenny is a dangerous man. Joshie is more powerful, but Lenny is much more dangerous.

All I wanted to do was have my parents take complete responsibility for how fucked up I am. I wanted them to admit that they did wrong. But that doesn’t matter to me now.

Common unhappiness, as the doctor said, but also common responsibility.

I can’t just be an abused little girl anymore. I have to be stronger than my father, stronger than Sally, stronger than Mommy.

I’m sorry, Lenny.

I love you.

EUNI-TARD TO GOLDMANN-FOREVER:

It sounds like you’re one busy bee, sweetheart. I’m so turned on when you work so hard, Joshie. There’s nothing sexier than a hardworking man, that’s how I was brought up, and that part of my parents I am NOT ashamed of. So many emotions are going through me right now. It’s not just gratitude for what you’ve done for my family, it is a deep, deep love. Am I the New person drawn toward You? Yes, I am, Joshie. I sometimes see men and women who are beautiful on the street, but they’re beautiful in such an obvious Media way. And you’re the real thing. Don’t worry about the sex, darling. I’m not some sex monster. Holding you in my arms, taking a shower with you, scrubbing you HARD with a loofah, picking out stuff to wear, cuddling on the couch, making those fat-free blueberry pancakes, those are the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done with anyone. Just being in the same room with you is arousing. I miss you so much. You do NOT have old man arms. You’re much stronger than Lenny, and you have such soft, gorgeous lips. All I need you to do is keep your neck in good shape, because you are going to be going down there a lot! Hahaha.

Re: my parents, I sometimes feel like I tell you too much. I know it’s my fault, I feel like I need to blab about them to everyone I love. Unloading about my life is like the only thing that keeps me from spending the day inside the refrigerator and adding to my FAT ass. I just wonder if I’m being fair to them and to you when I bring up what happened to me and Sally and my mom. There were good times too, you know. When I was in Tompkins Park right before the Rupture, my father asked me how I was. I know deep down inside he’s a good person, he’s just had a hard life is all and that makes me sad. Sometimes when I miss you, I feel sad the same way, like my whole life has been rushing toward you and I can’t wait for us to be together.

Ugh, I was just watching a stream of this Jamaican guy who was being deported from New York and he was crying and his whole family was in tears and he was telling his daughter that he’d be back and that it was best for them to stay in the city and be safe. I thought I was going to break down in tears too. Did I tell you I used to volunteer with trafficked Albanian women in Rome? I wish we didn’t have to deport anyone. And I can’t believe you said they’re going to clear out our co-op buildings. Lenny put so much money into this apartment and he’s got all these books. And what are they going to do with the old people? Where are they going to move them? They’ll die. Is there something you can do, sweetheart? Okay, Lenny’s coming back home right now. I can hear him huffing and puffing. I gotta run. Have a great weekend, Joshie. You’re all I think about, dream about. I trust you and need you so much. No one has ever been so wonderful to me.