Melanie Gideon - Wife 22

Oh, Dad. How do you know?

Becos I sent them in the mail.

Pat Guardia

Can’t believe she almost didn’t do this. Loves her husband so much.

1 hour ago

Pat Guardia

Somebody kill me now.

3 hours ago

Pat Guardia

Hates her husband with all her heart.

4 hours ago

Pat Guardia

Water just broke. Going to the hospital! Have never been more in love.

6 hours ago

“Hello, baby,” I whisper, looking down at Pat and her newborn in the hospital bed.

“Go ahead,” says Pat. “Take off his hat. I know you want to smell him.”

I slip off the blue knit beanie and breathe in the sweet, milky new-baby-head smell.

“Oh, God, Pat. How can you stand it? He’s gorgeous. And he’s got a perfectly shaped head. How did you manage that?” I ask.

“Only twenty minutes of pushing,” says Tita proudly.

“Only because Liam is my third,” says Pat.

Shonda hands Pat a pink box wrapped in glittery ribbon. “I know I’m supposed to bring something for the baby, but tough. You’re the one who needs a present right now. Miracle Serum of Light Complexion Illuminator. Not that you need it, sweetheart.”

“It sounds like a church,” says Tita.

“Oh, it is,” says Shonda. “Once you start using it, you’ll be worshiping at MSLCI’s altar forever, trust me.”

“You finally got your boy,” I say.

“What am I going to do with a boy?” says Pat. “All I know is girls.”

“Cover his wee-wee when you change his diaper,” I tell her.

“And how long should she refer to it as a wee-wee?” asks Shonda.

“A month, two months tops,” I say. “Then you can graduate to penie.”

“None of this wee-wee and penie silliness. You should call it a penis from the beginning,” says Tita.

“You feel very strongly about that, Tita, don’t you,” says Shonda.

“I hate it when people make up ridiculous names for their hoo-hoos ,” says Tita.

“Do you want to hold him?” Pat asks me.

“Could I? I already washed my hands.”

“Of course. Go sit in the rocker with him.”

She carefully hands me the baby. He’s asleep, so I tiptoe over to the rocker. Once I’m seated, I take a good look at him: the perfect bow-shaped lips, the tiny fist curled up against his cheek. I sigh happily.

“You could do it again, Alice,” says Pat. “You’re only forty-four. My friend just got pregnant and she’s forty-five.”

“God, no,” I whisper. “I’m done with all that. My babies are nearly grown. I’ll just have a baby vicariously through you. I’ll take him anytime you need a break. Day or night, you just call and I’ll take him,” I say. “I mean that, Pat. I’m not just saying it.”

“I know you’re not,” says Pat.

“You’re crying, Alice,” says Tita.

“I know,” I say. “Newborns always make me cry.”

“How come?” asks Shonda.

“They’re just so vulnerable. So defenseless. So pure.”

“Uh-huh,” says Shonda.

“You’re crying, Shonda,” says Tita.

“So are you, Tita,” says Shonda.

“I’m not crying,” says Pat, sniffling.

We’re all in different parts of the room, but it feels like we’ve joined hands. This is what happens with the Mumble Bumbles-this sudden sort of swelling and gathering each other up.

“When I was young, forty-five seemed so old,” I say. “My mother seemed so old.”

Liam uncurls his fist and I slide in my pinkie. He grasps it tightly and brings it to his mouth.

“But now that I’m almost forty-five it seems so young. My mother was such a baby. She had so much life ahead of her.”

“And so do you,” says Tita softly.

“I’ve gotten everything all wrong. Zoe doesn’t have an eating disorder. Peter isn’t gay.”

“Just because she passed away doesn’t mean you can’t speak to her, Alice,” says Shonda.

“That marriage study was a stupid idea. I screwed up at work.”

“The conversation never stops,” says Tita.

I nestle my face into Liam’s blankets. “He’s so beautiful.”

“She’d want you to pass her, Alice,” says Shonda.

“Please, please let me take care of him sometimes,” I beg, standing up.

“To not pass her would be a betrayal,” says Pat.

“I feel like I’m saying goodbye,” I say.

“Not just goodbye, but hello,” says Tita. “There you are. Hello, Alice Buckle.”

I walk to Pat’s bedside, tears streaming down my face, and hand Liam back to her.

“Everybody dreads their tipping-point year,” says Tita. “They think if they just don’t pay attention to it, it’ll go away. I don’t know why you all make such a big fuss. Not when this is what’s on the other side of it.”

The Mumble Bumbles gather around me and soon we’re a crying, hugging mob, one tiny human in the middle of us, the future, his finger pointed up toward the sky.

F ESTIVE I TALIAN P OTLUCK AT N EDRA’S H OUSE

6:30: Standing in Nedra’s kitchen

Me:Here’s the pasta sauce. I brought two kinds. Mushroom and three-cheese.

Nedra:That’s very nice, but you’re an hour early.

Zoe:Is Jude home?

Nedra:In his room, darling. Go on in. What time does the movie start?

Zoe:Seven.

Nedra:Have fun!

Me:I thought we could go over the maid-of-honor responsibilities.

Nedra( watching Zoe walk away ): This makes me very, very happy. The two of them back together. Does it make you happy?

Me:Did you hear what I just said?

Nedra:Show up.

Me:I’m right here.

Nedra:On my wedding day-show up. That is your responsibility.

Me:Done. I’ll even wear a hideous Queen Victoria dress.

Nedra:I bought you a beautiful dress.

Me:You did?

Nedra:A halter-top. Very flattering. You’ve got great shoulders and arms. You should show them off.

Me:I have something to tell you. About Researcher 101.

Nedra:You don’t have to tell me anything, Alice. In fact, I’d rather not hear it. La-la-la-la-la.

Me:I think it’s over.

Nedra( sighing ): It wasn’t over before?

Me:He’s going to try and make it work with his wife.

Nedra:He has a wife ?

Me:Stop, Nedra. Please. I just told you it’s over.

Nedra:So you’re going to try and make it work with William?

Me:Well, that’s the funny thing. It doesn’t seem like work right now.

Bobby( walking into the kitchen ): Ladies! I know I’m early. I hope I’m not interrupting. But look at this gorge-o bread. Smell it. Here ( ripping off the end ). La Farine. Just out of the oven. Have a bite.

Nedra:Where’s Linda?

Bobby:She’s not going to be able to make it.

Me:Well, looks like we’ll all be partnerless. William and Kate can’t make it either.

Nedra:What’s Linda’s excuse?

Bobby:She’s divorcing me. I got the potluck. She got everything else.