Gideon Defoe: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

GIDEON DEFOEwas born in 1975 and lives in London. He is also the author of The Pirates! In An Adventure with Moby Dick, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Communists, and The Pirates! In An Adventure with Napoleon. You could be forgiven for thinking he is a bit of a one-trick pony.

First published in Great Britain in 2004 by Weidenfeld & Nicholson This paperback edition published 2012

Copyright © Gideon Defoe 2004 Map copyright © 2004 by Dave Senior

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Berlin, New York and Sydney

50 Bedford Square, London WCiB 3DP

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9781408826058 10 98765432

Typeset by Hewer Text UK Ltd, Edinburgh

Printed in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives Pic

To Sophie, who has a quarter of a million pounds.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER ONE

A pirate brawl - The Pirate Captain - A decision is made - Cooking the ham - Setting sail

CHAPTER TWO

A pirate feast - A letter arrives -The Barbary Hen - Meeting Black Bellamy -Another pirate feast -A game of cards - Setting sail again

CHAPTER THREE

Piratical entertainments - A delicate question - Making ready for attack

CHAPTER FOUR

A reluctant duel - Under attack! - Looking for gold - In conversation - Darwin's dangerous idea - Another decision is made

CHAPTER FIVE

Walking the plank - Another pirate feast -A terrifying story - The Captain's question

CHAPTER SIX

At the seaside - Visiting the arcade - A spot of golf

CHAPTER SEVEN

Arriving in London - At the zoo - A mysterious poster - To the gentlemen's club - In disguise! -Another feast - A plan is hatched

CHAPTER EIGHT

Breakfast - Organising the pirates -The Captain receives another letter

CHAPTER NINE

To the sinister circus - Meeting a pretty lady -The Elephant Man - Drugged! - The infernal machine - A pirate in trouble

CHAPTER TEN

At the convention - Scurvy Jake - Help arrives -Signing autographs - Too much grog

CHAPTER ELEVEN

In the news - A confrontation with the Bishop - A controversial lecture - An exciting fight - The end for the Pirate Captain?

CHAPTER TWELVE

Not much time! - The terrifying clock - Mister Bobo has an idea - A new kind of piracy -A daring leap

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

A fond farewell - The Bishop's fate -Setting sail!

A Brief Explanatory Note From The Pirate Captain

Hello lubbers,

I'm writing this note on the back of an old bit of squid carcass to clear up any confusion that might arise about a hundred and seventy years from now. You see, there's a good chance that in your more enlightened times of hover-boards and asymmetrical haircuts, a daring theatrical impresario will have decided to adapt my excit­ing adventure with scientists into some sort of motion picture, to be exhibited at your local zoetrope club.

Probably you will notice how that motion picture contains a number of differences from the book you hold in your shiny futuristic hands. I would like to reassure you that this is not because of any sinister plot to rewrite history: it's simply

that certain things are better suited to the page than to the inside of a spinning metal drum. For example, it may be that the villain in said motion picture is Queen Victoria, rather than the diabol­ical Bishop of Oxford. This is possibly because she is a funnier shape to look at, like a dumpy little toilet roll holder. And perhaps the motion picture contains an entire plot to do with me owning a dodo, which is obviously a ridiculous and unlikely flight of fancy. Though I would very much like to own a dodo instead of our idiot parrot Gary, who is, frankly, a nuisance.

But rest assured that in both zoetrope display and book, my beard is still luxuriant, Black Bellamy is still a fiend with eyes of the darkest pitch, and there's still a good bit where a chimpanzee gets dressed up in a waistcoat. And, most importantly, at no point does anybody mistakenly think it's somehow inherently funny to 'talk like a pirate'.

Until our next adventure, Hugs,

The Pirate Captain, 1838

One

INTO ACTION UNDER THE PIRATE FLAG!

he best bit about being a pirate,' said the pirate with gout, 'is the looting.' "That's rubbish!' said the albino pirate. 'It's the doubloons. Doubloons are easily the best bit about pirating.'

The rest of the pirates, sunning themselves on the deck of the pirate boat, soon joined in. It had been several weeks since the Pirates' Adven­ture with Cowboys, and they had a lot of time on their hands.

'It's the pirate grog!'

'Marooning! That's what I like best!'

'Cutlasses!'

'The Spanish Main!'

'The ship's biscuits!'

One of the pirates pulled a special face to show exactly what he thought of this last comment, and soon all the pirates were fight­ing. With a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, pirate fist connected with pirate jaw and a gold

tooth bounced across the deck. The pirate with gout found himself run through in a grisly manner, and one of the cabin boys accidentally got a shiny pirate hook in the side of the head. It would probably have gone on for hours in this fashion, but both of the heavy wooden doors that led to the downstairs of the boat crashed open, and out onto the deck strode the Pirate Captain himself.