Gideon Defoe: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

'And it would be good to see how they prepare their hams on board the Barbary Hen,' added the pirate in red.

'So it's settled, we'll accept the invitation and set sail for Black Bellamy's feast at once!' said the Pirate Captain, picking a piece of ham from his immaculate beard.

The moonlit waters were clear and calm as the pirate boat moored up alongside the Barbary Hen. The pirate crew piled into a launch -'Shotgun!' shouted the sassy pirate who liked to sit up front with the Captain - and paddled across to where a rope-ladder had been hung over the other ship's side. There were around forty head of hog wandering about the dark­ened decks, which was clearly Black Bellamy's way of impressing his guests. Black Bellamy politely took the pirates' coats and cutlasses. This showed he really had changed, because the Black Bellamy of old was famous for his lack of manners. But he was still a fearsome sight, with a beard that came up to his eyes, two pairs of pistols hanging at the end of a silk sling, and a big knife held between his teeth.

'Herro. Relcon ahord ha harrarry hen,' said Black Bellamy.

'What did he say?' whispered the pirate in green.

'I think he said "Welcome aboard the Barbary Hen". It's a bit hard to tell, because of that knife

clenched between his teeth,' said the scarf-wear­ing pirate.

Black Bellamy made a few incomprehensible introductions, and then led the pirates into his feasting hall. Their old rival had certainly pulled out all the stops - there was roast veal, which had half a pint of melted butter poured over it, fillets of beef garnished with slices of lemon, a sumptuous pork broth, potato scones, stewed mushrooms ... several of the pirates had to use their pirate neckerchiefs to wipe saliva from their mouths. It didn't matter that they had already eaten a sumptuous feast earlier that day, because they often had adventures comprised of nothing but sumptuous feasts. Initially, because there was so much history between them, the two sets of pirates were a bit hostile, and conver­sation was understandably awkward, but after some pirate grog they were soon carousing with each other. Piratical conversation buzzed about the boat.

'Diving. Have you ever tried it? It's fantastic! We went and dived at the wreck of an actual pirate ship!'

'My friend here thinks you should boil hams, but he's an idiot.'

'.. . 'twas the unmistakable tang of human flesh...'

'. . . and I'm not making this up - he had a wooden leg!'

Both Black Bellamy and the Pirate Captain were pleased it was going so well.

'Why don't we adjourn to my drawing room, for a spot of cards? [3] Captain Johnson's General History of the Pyrates tells us that most pirate ships had a set of Articles, by which the crew had to adhere. Article 3 states 'No person to game at cards or dice for money', so Black Bellamy is showing his maverick colours here. Hmmm?' said Black Bellamy to the Pirate Captain. The Pirate Captain could have gone on eating mutton necks all night, but his host had been so gracious he thought it rude to refuse.

The pirates were a bit annoyed by how nice the drawing room was, especially when Black

Bellamy flipped open the top of a huge mahog­any globe to reveal a little drinks cabinet. The Pirate Captain's globe back onboard the pirate boat was made out of tin and about the size of a football, and he wasn't even sure it had Africa on it, so it was difficult not to feel a pang of jeal­ousy. Black Bellamy poured out some rum from a crystal decanter and suggested a game of Cincinnati High Low.

'Oh, that's a lucky man's game,' said the Pirate Captain, because he had heard someone say this before.

'Well, what would you suggest?' asked Black Bellamy amiably. 'Crossfire? Seven Card Flip? Mexican Seven Card Stud?'

He was just showing off, thought the Pirate Captain, but he was no slouch at cards himself.

'How about,' said the Pirate Captain, 'Cat's Cradle? Or Round the World? Or Walking the Dog?'

'Those are yo-yo tricks.' 'Ha! Of course they are. Well then, that one with the Mexicans.'

They settled down to the card game. Pretty

soon the Pirate Captain was down several doubloons, and pretty soon after that he had lost all the boat's precious supply of hams. The trou­ble was that Black Bellamy's beard, coming up all the way to his eyes as it did, gave him a perfect poker face. The Pirate Captain's crew were start­ing to get worried, but then the Pirate Captain had a fantastic idea. He found himself with another useless hand but this time, instead of thumping the table and looking miserable, he gave a big grin, and whispered loudly to the pirate who wore a scarf, 'We'll be feasting on that forty head of hog, with this brilliant hand!'

Black Bellamy heard this, and decided to fold. The Pirate Captain shuffled the pile of doubloons into his pockets. Black Bellamy saw his cards and gasped.

'But... you had a terrible hand! Garbage!'

'Yes. But I knew that if I looked pleased with it, you would think it was a flush or something like that!'

'You're confounded clever!' roared Black Bellamy. 'But listen. Give me back all those doubloons I've just lost, and in return I'll tell

you where you can find ten times that sort of loot.'

The Pirate Captain thought about Black Bellamy's offer for a second or two. Mathemat­ics wasn't his strong point - obviously pirating was his strong point - but you didn't need to be Archimedes to realise that ten times the amount of doubloons he had just won was a good deal of cash.

'Very well, Black Bellamy,' said the Pirate Captain, taking the coins back out of his pock­ets. 'Where can we find this treasure?'

'I'll need to show you on the nautical charts,' sighed Black Bellamy, doing a sad face. 'Me and my men had been planning to sail to the south seas, near the Galapagos Islands, where a ship belonging to the - uh - Bank of England is right this moment transporting ... ooh, at least a hundredweight in gold bullion, back from the colonies. I'd been really looking forward to a spot of plundering, but I guess I'll just have to let you set about the raid yourself!'

'You're sure about this?' said the Pirate Captain, his eyes narrowing. 'That's eight

hundred leagues from here. It's a little out of our way.'

'I swear by the Pirate Code.'

'Do you know the name of this ship?'

'It's called the Beagle. And it's chock full of gold, mark my words. Can I have those doubloons back now?'

As the pirates crossed back to their boat they could hear laughter coming from the Barbary Hen - it was good, thought the Pirate Captain, that they had left their hosts in such high spirits, even though he had got the better of Black Bellamy. And now he was pretty confident that they really were setting course... for adventure!

Though he didn't bother saying it out loud this time.

Three

PIRATE ISLANDS AND BLACKHEARTED MEN!

o, there's two pirate boats sailing towards each other,' said the short pirate with thick black spectacles, 'and one of the boats is carry­ing all this blue paint. And the other pirate boat is carrying all this red paint. They crash, and you know what happened?' 'What happened?'

'They were marooned! Ha-ha! You see?'

The pirates had started telling each other jokes in an attempt to ward off the inevitable boredom between feasts, because there wasn't much else to do on board a pirate boat. They had been at sea for a couple of days now, searching high and low for the Beagle. When the boat had first reached the tropical waters surrounding the Galapagos Islands the pirates kept themselves amused by capturing a couple of the giant turtles that frequented this part of the world, and then racing them