John Irving - Until I Find You

That they each had a room at the Four Seasons did not mean Jack was doomed to sleep with Maureen Yap. She would never find him, he was thinking; he was registered under a new name. Because the Billy Rainbow film had already been released, Jack was Jimmy Stronach now. As he’d newly invented the porn star’s name, and not even Bob Bookman or Alan Hergott had read his many revisions of Emma’s script, truly no one knew who Jack Burns was.

Those women who came to the St. Hilda’s chapel had come to see him— Jack Burns, the movie star. He failed to recognize the majority of them, but they were mostly in their thirties and forties. If they hadn’t known Jack as a little boy, they’d probably seen him around the school—and without a doubt they had seen his films. Their husbands (if they had husbands) weren’t with them; their children occasionally were. To be sure, the women wore black or navy blue, but their attire struck Jack as more suitable for a dinner party than a funeral. Maybe this was underscored by Emma’s memorial service being held at the cocktail hour on a Sunday evening.

And the fourth of Jack’s classmates to attend the service had not entered St. Hilda’s in kindergarten. Lucinda Fleming had been a new student when he’d first met her in grade one; she’d never experienced Emma’s sleepy-time tales. Lucinda, and what Miss Wong once referred to as her “silent rage,” had never been intimate with Emma Oastler.

What had urged Lucinda to include Jack on her Christmas-letter list? What had made her such a tireless organizer of the class reunions at St. Hilda’s, despite everyone remembering her violent overreaction to being kissed? (Her biting herself so badly that she required stitches, her lying in a puddle of her pee on the third-grade floor!)

If Lucinda Fleming had known how Emma hated Christmas letters and the people who wrote them, she wouldn’t have come to pay her last respects. If she’d had any idea of the contempt Emma felt for the repeated announcements of childbearing, which caused Emma to denounce Lucinda’s Christmas letters as “breeding statistics”—well, Lucinda Fleming (had she known Emma at all ) wouldn’t have been moved to pray for Emma’s soul.

But it was Jack’s soul Lucinda and the others were after—and while he might have been a movie star in those women’s eyes, he instantly lost the essential contact with his audience of one in their company. In the St. Hilda’s chapel, where even Jesus was depicted as surrounded by women—saints maybe, but women definitely— he didn’t feel like Jack Burns, the actor. He felt like Jack Burns, the little boy—lost again in a sea of girls. No matter that they were grown women now. In reentering their world, Jack had returned to his childhood and its fears—and, like a child, he felt as frightened and as unsure of himself as he’d ever been.

How could Jack “say a little something” about Emma to this audience of older women—among them, those grown-up girls and older women who had formed him? How could he feel at ease in this holy place—where, even as a little boy, he had turned his back on God?

Jack gripped the pulpit in both hands, but he couldn’t speak; the words wouldn’t come. The congregation waited for him; the chapel was as still as Emma’s heart.

It’s awful how your mind can trick you when you’re scared, Jack thought. Among those women’s faces, all of them looking up at him, Jack could have sworn he saw Mrs. Stackpole—the long-dead dishwasher from his Exeter days. If he’d dared to search among their faces, he might have come upon Mrs. Adkins, so long ago immersed in the Nezinscot—or Claudia, who had threatened to haunt him, or Leah Rosen, dead in Chile, or even Emma herself, who no doubt would have been disappointed in Jack for failing to say what he’d come to say.

Jack tried to look beyond their faces, focusing on no one—except maybe Mr. Ramsey, who was always so encouraging. But Mr. Ramsey had disappeared from sight. Actually he’d been swallowed up in the sea of late arrivals—young girls, students at St. Hilda’s, who all wore their school uniforms, as if this special Sunday-evening service were just another day at school.

In Jack’s state of mind, he mistook the girls for ghosts, but they were boarders—the only St. Hilda’s students on campus on a Sunday. They must have mustered the courage to come to the chapel en masse from their residence. They hadn’t been invited, although they were the age—seventeen or eighteen—of Emma Oastler’s most adoring fans. (Young women had been Emma’s biggest readers.)

It was a shock to see them there, standing at the rear of the chapel in their universal postures of sullenness and exultation and prettiness and slouching disarray—as Jack had seen them at the age of four, when he first felt compelled to hold his mother’s hand. The girls made him remember his fear of their bare legs—with their kneesocks pushed down to their ankles, as if to reveal their interior unrest. The cant of their hips, their untucked shirts, their unbuttoned buttons, their bitten lips and willfully unattended hair—well, there they were, these unnamed girls, some of them carrying well-worn paperbacks of Emma’s first or second novel, all of them signifying to Jack the gestures of an emerging sexuality he had so skillfully imitated as an actor. (Even as a man !)

They took Jack’s breath away, but they brought him back to the task at hand. He found his voice, though it was weak—barely above a whisper—and he spoke as if only to them, those young-girl boarders. They were probably in grades twelve and thirteen.

“I remember,” Jack began, “how she held my … hand. ”

Without Mrs. Oastler’s sigh of relief, he wouldn’t have known she’d been holding her breath. A spontaneous shudder shook Miss Wong’s shoulders; her knees unclenched, her legs lolled apart.

“Emma Oastler looked after me,” Jack continued. “I didn’t have a father,” he told them—not that they didn’t already know that! “But Emma was my protector. ”

The word protector animated Maureen Yap like a jolt of electricity; her hands flew up from her lap, her palms held open and apart like the pages of a prayer book or a hymnal. (Jack half expected her to sing.) Lucinda Fleming curled her lower lip and seized it between her teeth. There was a sound like the binding of a new book breaking—Wendy Fists-of-Stone Holton cracking her knuckles against her flat chest.

Then Jack’s tears came, unplanned—he wasn’t acting. Without making a noise, he just started to cry—he couldn’t stop. He’d had more to say, but what was the point? Wasn’t this the performance they’d all been hoping for? JACK BURNS BREAKS DOWN, OR WAS IT AN ACT? one of the tabloids would say. But it wasn’t an act.

Those heartbreaking young girls (the abandoned boarders with their collected loneliness) were what released him—the way they just stood there without once standing still. They shook their hair, they shrugged their shoulders—they stood first on one leg, then the other. They cocked a hip here, an elbow there. They scratched their bare knees and looked under their nails, the tips of their tongues touching their upper lips or the corners of their open mouths—as if Jack Burns were in a movie on a giant screen and they watched him from the dark, safe and unseen.

Jack simply stopped talking and let his tears fall, not at first knowing that this would have an unleashing effect on the assembled congregation. He never meant to make them cry, but that was the unavoidable result.

Mrs. Malcolm rocked uncontrollably back and forth in her wheelchair, as if a third accident—either crippling or blinding, or both—had befallen her. It must have been something Mr. Malcolm, in his grief, was powerless to ward away. Alice’s face, ageless when bathed in tears, was tilted up to Jack. He could read her lips. (“I’m so sorry, Jackie!”)