Chang-Rae Lee - On Such A Full Sea

After that, though they never went back to the towers, when they returned from their afternoons out, they went through this ritual. Miss Cathy never mentioned venturing into the service neighborhood, or the fact that anything was at all different, and that they had visited only her customary shops and lunch places was of no consequence; for once the shopping bags were set down, they had to roll up their sleeves and run the hot tap, Miss Cathy retrieving the brushes from under the sink while Mala fetched the soap and towels. It was as if after that brief moment in the lobby a dormant circuit had been restored, an accidental rewiring that changed nothing apparent in the woman’s revitalized mood or other routines but which set in motion this one, unerring operation. Fan complied without a word, scrubbing her skin as vigorously as Miss Cathy did her own, though the action seemed more to awaken the woman than punish her, her eyes never as lighted and alive. To Fan it was painful but the pain was made worse by the iron schedule of it, the thought of the hard scrape of the bristles to come, and once she set her mind to blocking the anticipation, the sensation itself could be endured. In fact, if she cast it right, she could believe that she was being honed instead of abraded, ever sharpened in her resolve to find Liwei, despite having no signs of him whatsoever and no other way to search for him. She was certain all she needed was time, and time — Mister Leo now comprehending this best — was plentiful in this house. Indeed, of the three of them, it was Mala who appeared to be most distressed, for she had to attend to their washing and simply stand by, wondering when Miss Cathy would reprise what she had done with every other girl before.

One evening after dinner, when Fan was sitting with Mala and Tico having a snack and tea, Miss Cathy appeared in the kitchen. She had appeared so before at night, always viewing her programs in the office. She was holding a remote, and when Mala saw this, she immediately apologized for removing the recharging deck from the office, as it was not working anymore. She said a new one would be delivered in the morning, but if Miss Cathy wanted, she could call and perhaps have it delivered tonight, but now Miss Cathy was completely unconcerned with this fact. Instead she was glaring at Fan sitting before the plate of mochi at the kitchen table as though she had committed a terrible crime.

Have you been here since we ate dinner?

Yes, Fan said. I often help clean up.

I thought you went to your room to study or watch. That’s always where I find you.

Fan told her she did, usually right around now. At this point Tico excused himself to give Mister Leo his bath.

I thought you were in your room, Miss Cathy said, with a sharpness that officially ended the conversation. She dropped the remote on the island and left.

When Fan went up to her bedroom, Miss Cathy was already there, waiting for her. Usually Miss Cathy came in and sat down on the bed, and they briefly talked about what Fan was doing, either in her studies or the program she was watching, though never for very long. She was not terribly interested in the details Fan offered, as Mala always was; it was simply about their convening before each retired for the night, checking in, as a mother would, to make sure her child was comfortable and happy and ready for sleep. But of course, Miss Cathy would take the many extra steps of inspecting Fan’s hands and nails and teeth and hair, the soles of her feet and toes, to make sure she was as clean as could be, though still rarely touching her. In fact, she almost never did, except for that first time they did their scrubbing, nor did she ever caress or embrace her.

But that night she did, gesturing Fan forward and hugging her; she even kissed Fan on the forehead, her lips dry and cool. She pressed Fan to her chest for what seemed a very long time. And then the woman took a step back and beheld her, with what to Fan could only be described as a great welling of satisfaction and pride.

We’re finally getting to know each other, aren’t we? Miss Cathy said.

Yes, answered Fan.

We want to be happy, don’t we?

Fan nodded.

As happy as we can be?

Again she nodded.

And do you know, Fan, how we can make that happen?

No, Fan said, taking a step back now, from the wildness in the woman’s eyes.

It’s how it always happens. You’re young, but I think you know. It’s this way: We make our special place. Our very own little spot. Our little world. Where we’ll live with one mind and heart. Do you understand me?

Fan said she did, though this time just with her eyes.

Oh, Fan, you’ve done so well here!

Miss Cathy leaped forward and embraced her tightly enough that Fan nearly became faint, her face jammed between the woman’s plush breasts, which smelled of nervous dampness, a fast souring.

I’m so proud of you. Everything’s changed since you’ve come!

Fan figured she was referring to Mister Leo, and that she had somehow spurred Miss Cathy to do something finally, though seeing the woman’s heightened, almost disordered, expression, it wasn’t clear this was what she meant at all.

Miss Cathy asked her if she wanted to take one of her “friends” with her, namely one of the many dolls and stuffed animals she bought for Fan on their sprees.

Where are we going? Fan asked.

To my place, Miss Cathy said. You’ve not been there yet but I know you’ll like it. We have a special spot for you.

Fan shook her head but Miss Cathy did not notice, or did not want to, and simply cupped Fan’s shoulder and walked her down the length of the house, to the far end, where she and Mister Leo had had their separate suites. There were double doors to each, and when Miss Cathy touched the knob, there was a click and they entered through the doors on the right, which automatically locked behind them. The suite was an immense multichambered room, the first part of which was furnished with a loveseat and armchairs and coffee table. Next was the bedroom, where Miss Cathy’s king-sized bed was made up with fancy linens and abundant throws and shams. Beyond the bed was another entire section of the suite behind curtained glass French doors, which Fan assumed was where the dressing room and bathroom were. Miss Cathy led her around the bed. On the far side was a young child’s mattress on a low steel platform, short enough in length that Fan’s own feet might hang over its edge. It was made up very plainly, with just a white sheet and a thin gray-brown flannel blanket, which made it seem almost penal, particularly in contrast to the opulence and great size of the bed beside it.

Miss Cathy was almost teary-eyed, she was so pleased with the sight.

This is where you’ll stay, she beamed. Right next to me. No one else but you for the next three days. It’ll be so nice.

I prefer to stay in my own room, Fan told her. Or else downstairs with Mala.

That’s no longer possible, Miss Cathy said. This is your place now. We’d like to keep you.

You and Mala?

Mala? Miss Cathy said, her voice gone totally cold. Mala has nothing to do with anything.

That’s when a giggling could be heard coming from behind the curtained French doors. There was a tiny knock. Miss Cathy said, Yes, dear, and the door opened. It was one of the girls from Mala’s viewer, though a few years aged. She wore a simple white cotton nightshirt with an embroidered collar, rustic and old-fashioned. A second girl came out, wearing the same, though she was much taller and older. And then another followed, and another, until it was all seven of the girls Fan had seen in the album. Some were grown women, twice as broad as the youngest. But something was different about all of them, and not just that they had grown older. All of their eyes were huge and shaped in the same way, half-moons set on the straight side, like band shells but darkened, their pupils being brown. They were all giggling now, shoulders scrunched, their high pitch cutesy and saccharine. They crowded about Fan, bright of teeth. They smelled laundered and dryer-fresh. And now one of them was gently touching her face, others her hair, the rest clasping her arms, her hands, already vining themselves through her, snatching Fan up.