Chang-Rae Lee - On Such A Full Sea

Besides, she said, I despise good-byes, even for just the briefest trips.

Shouldn’t I wait? Fan said, glancing upstairs, where she knew Oliver was still packing and changing.

He’ll be down very soon. Oh, look, here it is.

A silver sedan with darkened windows rolled up, and out from it emerged a squat, burly driver in a shiny blazer that pinched at his underarms.

Okay, no good-byes. I’ll see you very soon, okay?

Okay, Fan said. Very soon.

Still, Betty opened her arms, beckoning her, and Fan let herself be taken in. And it was surprising how Betty gave her the deepest hug she’d ever felt, from Reg included, like the woman would sooner perish than let her go. But then she did.

Now hurry.

The very notion, we fear, Fan was thinking herself as she skipped down the stoop. Now hurry back toward B-Mor. Now hurry to sweet Reg. For if there is ever a moment when we are most vulnerable, it’s when we’re closest to the idea of the attained desire, and thus farthest from ourselves, which is when we’ll tread through any flame.

While Pinah and Violet pecked her on the cheek, the man hefted the big bag with one hand into the trunk of the sedan. She looked back at the door and Betty was gone.

Miss Fan? the driver said, and when she acknowledged him, he said Please and took her by the arm and guided her to the rear door. Please , he said again as he felt her begin to resist, his stiff fingertips pressing a nerve of her elbow she did not know was there. She heard mewls of panicked confusion from Pinah and Violet. Her knees almost gave way.

Please!

Before she could speak, she was in the cave of the car, propping herself up in the backseat, her eyes not yet adjusting. It smelled just cleaned. They were already rolling forward, just turning out onto the real street. And they passed another silver sedan, oddly enough, on its way into Betty’s Lane. Fan realized there was a second person in the front, who now ordered the driver to speed up, to go as fast as he could.

I like your outfit, he said, turning to her now.

It was Vik. Gentle-eyed Vik. It’s a good one for traveling. But the question now, little one, is where would you like to go?

Where indeed.

Where would you go, dear Fan?

Where would you have Vik direct the car, as Betty had asked him to, unable as she was to abide her husband’s plan? For Liwei was going to deliver you not to anywhere near us and Reg but to the pharmacorp, in the hope that someone bearing Reg’s legacies would be fair exchange for their final purchase of his work. Or at least that was his intention. Could he have done it? Truly tendered you so? We know that at the very moment the guard post’s gate bar was lifted and you flew out, Oliver had stepped down the stoop himself with his own overnight bag and was ushered into the car. But there he found only Betty in the backseat and knew immediately what she had done. Did they fight? Did they cry? Did they speak of love and doom? All we know is that they remained inside, and the car did not soon move.

The other one, we will have to dream, traveled swift and wide and far. It went in a direction away from us, you knowing now that you must be left somewhere you’d go unnoticed and undisturbed, at least for a good long while. For that time would be coming; there could not be any more travails. So perhaps you went north, where people wouldn’t think to look, or south for a winter’s warmth, or maybe westward, that ready route, drawing you forth to reach another sea.

But sometimes, we’re sure, you’re much closer than we know, waiting out word of Reg in some modest but nice place, maybe like the one Mala spoke of. We can almost see it now, small but tidy, emptied of its household save for a black-clad girl, the brightest shape we know.

Don’t hurry, Fan.

Stay put for now.

We’ll find a way.

You need not come back for us.