K. Randis - Spilled Milk

“Okay Brooke, good, good. Now, try and remember, when did he first rape you?”

The word made me flinch. My uncle looked away and Lou cringed under the word. I was embarrassed enough listing everything he had done to molest me, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them about the rapes.

I hung my head. “Brooke, you’re doing a great job. We need to know the dates. It’s important.” Gina put her hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“We thought he touched her,” Aunt Jean said sounding frantic, “The report from children and youth only mentioned touching. Not rape.”

I covered my face with my hands. My skin burned as I tried to rub the shame off my skin.

“Brooke, I picked you up,” said a soft voice.

I looked up at Gina.

“I picked you up from school the day after, remember? That’s one date.”

I couldn’t believe she remembered. Gina’s eyes looked moist. I wondered how long she knew and didn’t say anything to me. She just waited for me to feel safe enough to tell her. It must have been killing her inside that I never did.

“Is it true, Brooke?” Aunt Jean pressed through tears.

Uncle Bruce nodded. “It’s okay Brooke, the bubble, remember?”

I shook my head and lowered my forehead to my hands. These four adults were about to be crushed. I didn’t want to watch.

“He did.” My voice screeched. “He raped me.”

I could feel my Aunt Jean hit the floor in hysterics and I turned my whole body away from everyone, covering my face and trying to fall into the background.

Lou and Gina had their arms around me. “Don’t you dare be ashamed.” Gina’s voice was strong through her tears. “This is not your fault. Come here, oh, let me hold you. It’s okay, it’s okay.”

I sobbed as my body shook.

“I’m gonna get sick,” I said. Once in the bathroom I could hear Uncle Bruce trying to comfort my Aunt as she sobbed and cried out. A genuine nightmare was unfolding before them.

When I sat back down at the table, tissues were getting passed around and everyone’s bloodshot eyes were worn. “Feel better?” Gina nodded in my direction.

I closed my eyes. Years of suppressing and ignoring and denying just escaped and beneath my trembling skin I felt something I had never felt before.

Peace.

There were so many incidents, but I couldn’t tell them that. I didn’t think they would be able to handle it. I wasn’t sure I could. So I chose the one’s I knew the most about.

The one time Gina picked me up from school the next day, which also gave me a witness, and the time when my mom was in the hospital since I had tried to fight back and escape. Gina said it would be enough, and didn’t press me to try and remember the dates of any more.

I didn’t want to anyway. It wasn’t like a birthday or vacation memory I was trying to recall, I tried to push many of them to the back of my mind, never to be thought about again.

After eight o’clock, Gina drove me to the police station with Uncle Bruce in the front. I watched the trees float by from the back seat and tried not to doze off again. My body had a hard time coping with the amount of adrenaline over the past twenty fours hours and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open at that point.

The radio hummed a Dixie Chicks song. Gina looked up in the rearview mirror and smirked. “You know this song?”

The tune sounded familiar. When the chorus started Gina turned a knob so I could listen. A smile spread across my face as Gina belted out the tunes.

The irony of the song playing on our way to the police station was suddenly funny. Gina shook her head. “Oh, oh gosh that’s wrong. Okay, I’m done. But seriously, we don’t use the name David anymore. Not Dad, not Father, not David. Earl is all he’s worth. From now on, we call him Earl.”

The thought was actually a comfort. Now that everything was about to come out, I didn’t want to call him Dad. He didn’t deserve that title. I didn’t want to call him anything really, but calling him Earl would give me a reprieve when I spoke about him at least, even if it was just with Gina.

Gina had called ahead to explain the situation so we didn’t have to do that when we first got into the precinct. It definitely helped ease the transition with the police officer who ushered me into a back room with Gina calling after me that she would be right there waiting when I was finished.

An orange haired guy in his mid forties pulled up a chair next to me and cleared his throat. “My name is Officer Stubaker. You’re here to make a report about your father?”

I nodded.

“All right, can you tell me what happened?”

Gina and my family had really tip toed around asking me to explain the situation. The bluntness of this police officer was a little uncomfortable. “Um, you mean, with Ear- uh, my dad?”

He tapped his pencil. “Yes. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

I sighed and looked into my lap.

“You uh, you told your family that something happened to you. I just need to know what it is you told them so I can write it down for our records too.”

I could tell he was trying to make the situation as comfortable as possible, but I didn’t know what to say. I never so much as cursed in front of an adult, and now I was sitting in front of a stranger and he wanted me to explain such a personal circumstance.

“From the beginning?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Okay… Uh, when I lived in New York, my dad used to come into my room at night and touch me. When I would bathe with my sister he would use his hands to clean us instead of a rag. After we moved to Pennsylvania he…” I trailed off . I just did not have the vocabulary to make this comfortable for me. “He uh, raped me. Twice where I know the dates.”

An overhead fluorescent threatened to go out above us and there wasn’t even a poster in the room I could pretend to stare at.

“Did you ever tell anyone about this, I mean, before tonight?” He probed.

“Social services came to my school once. They asked me about it but I told them it was all a dream.”

“Why’s that?”

“I was afraid they would take my brothers and sister away from me.”

His green eyes softened and he rubbed his fingers through his prickly looking beard. “Right, right. Hey so, do you like to write?”

My face must have sparked because he shook his head. “This might be easier if I have you write down what happened. That sound better to you?”

“Yes, please.” I nodded and smiled a little.

“All right, just be sure to be as detailed as possible. Don’t be embarrassed, just write what happened word for word.”

He grabbed three pieces of paper and set a pen down next to me. “I’ll come back and check on you in about fifteen minutes all right?” He ran his fingers through his hair and cleared his throat as he shut the door.

After twenty five minutes I was finally finished. I folded the papers in half to keep anyone else from seeing them and waited for Officer Stubaker to come back.