K. Randis - Spilled Milk

Fourth period my chemistry teacher put on an episode of Law and Order to show the forensic side of chemistry. The storyline was of a girl who got raped in Central Park. Halfway through I got up, suddenly nauseous, and bolted for the classroom door. I made it ten feet before Mr. Salorski’s voice was behind me. “Brooke? Brooke just a minute.”

I turned around, unsure if I was going to lose what little breakfast I ate that day in the middle of the hallway.

“Look uh, I heard some things, you know. And I didn’t want to single you out, but maybe I should have since I know what you’re going through is probably very sensitive.”

Please, God, why.

“I’m okay with you spending the rest of the period in the guidance office if you want. You don’t even have to come back to class. I’ll send Cristin to the office with your stuff after this period.”

I nodded and forced a “Thank you” before turning on my heel. I heard the classroom door click behind me and I raced past the bathrooms. I moved through the stairwell, down the old east hallway and out through the parking lot double doors. I didn’t stop when I heard a hall monitor call after me, or when she radioed for someone as I raced towards my car.

I needed to talk to someone. I had to get out of there. I reached my car and turned the engine, ignoring the flailing arms of two hall monitors who had followed me outside.

“Gina, I hope you’re home,” I said to myself, and watched the high school disappear into a blur behind me.

It took a week or two before I was able to snap out of it enough to get caught up on some school work. Just when I started to get into a routine of going to all my classes again, more court dates rolled through.

Heather was my designated Victims Advocate. She was in charge of making sure I understood what was going on during the court proceedings and looked after my best interests. I listened to her rattle off information about our PFA was but I was having a hard time concentrating. Basically it was just a piece of paper that said Earl couldn’t come near anyone in the family, otherwise we could call the police and he would be arrested on the spot. I secretly hoped he would violate the order just so I didn’t have to worry about him running around while they conducted the investigation which seemed to be taking forever.

We stepped off the elevator and Heather stopped in front of the first door on the right. “Okay, you ready to go inside? Any questions?”

I shook my head. All I had to do was listen to what the judge said and maybe answer some questions. It seemed pretty straightforward.

Heather pulled open the door and whisked her hand motioning for me to go ahead. We sat on a bench behind a strawberry blond guy dressed in an expensive looking suit. He half smiled at me when he saw me sit down. “That’s your lawyer, he works for the D.A’s office,” Heather whispered.

The door creaked open and I opened my mouth when Earl walked in. I reached out for Heather’s hand so fast I startled her. “What’s he doing here?” I hissed. A large jolly man with a very round face bobbled in behind him.

“He’s here for the hearing too,” Heather said. “It’s all right. There are guards.” She pointed toward the judge’s seat and a uniformed guard eyed Earl as he sat down. I relaxed a little.

When the judge walked in everyone stood up and I was surprised to see it was a woman. TV always showed male judges. We sat down and I listened to my lawyer and tried to follow what he was saying. After a few minutes, the judge looked at me.

“Brooke Nolan, please take the stand.” She turned over a piece of paper in front of her.

The stand?

I thought I would have to answer a question or two from my seat. I looked at Heather and she nodded. The judge pointed to a seat next to the judge’s stand. “Up here, if you please, Brooke.”

In a daze I sat down and was sworn in. “It states here on the report you filed with police that you had been molested by your father in the state of New York, is this true?”

I nodded.

“Is this true, Miss Nolan.” Her voice was icy. “Please speak up.”

“Oh. Yea, that’s true.”

“Yea?” The judge raised an eyebrow. “Very well. Can you also tell me what happened between you and Mr. Nolan after moving to Pennsylvania?”

I looked at the paper in her hand. She had the police report right in front of her, couldn’t she just read what I wrote? Embarrassed again, I fumbled trying to say the words: rape, penis, vagina .

“Do you remember what you wrote, Miss Nolan?” The Judge narrowed her eyes at me.

A wave of regret washed over me the second I looked up and my eyes met with Earl’s. How am I supposed to do this? This judge sitting here is the definition of sophistication. I have to sit in this wide, open court full of people I don’t even know and say that I was raped? Who is this jolly fat man behind Earl? Who is the man sitting beside the judge? Why is the officer staring at me?

I looked up, blinking hard. “I was um. It’s hard to…”

“Miss Nolan I need to know if anything happened between you and Mr. Nolan after your family moved here to Pennsylvania.” She tapped a long fingernail.

“I think it was um, I was…it was rape.”

“You think you were raped?”

“No. I mean, yes. Yes, I was raped.” My voice trembled above a whisper.

The judge sighed. “Brooke it says here you claim you were raped twice by Mr. Nolan after moving to Pennsylvania, is that true?”

Geeze, much better. Yes or no questions please!

I nodded, the judge stared.

“Yea. I mean, yes, yes ma’m.”

“All right.” She shuffled through papers and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “That’s all Miss Nolan, you may step down.”

My pace quickened as I approached Heather and for a second I was terrified Earl would stand up and try and grab me. “Do you want to go out, get some fresh air?” Heather said, studying my face. I nodded.

I dangled my feet in a chair outside the courthouse and sucked in several deep breaths. Seeing Earl sitting right there in front of me as I struggled to tell the court what happened was over the realm of terrifying. His eyes dug into me even when I didn’t look up, I could feel them.

Heather escorted me into her office and sat down with my mom and I. “The judge has ruled in your favor. You have a PFA order that doesn’t allow David to come within two hundred feet of anyone in your family. He can’t call you, text you, or otherwise have any contact with any members of your family. If he does, just contact the police and they’ll be there as soon as they can.”

“I mean, this won’t stop him from trying to come into the house or anything.” I felt nervous at the idea. “It’s only a piece of paper.”

“It is only a piece of paper. But if he’s stupid enough to violate it, it means he goes to jail sooner than later. Just keep on the lookout if you really feel he’ll try to get near you.”

It didn’t help that the local fair started that week. Judd begged me to go and I was a hopeless wreck looking over my shoulder every two seconds. “It’s all right Brooke, I got you.” He pulled me closer to him. My cell phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket. MOM flashed across the screen.

“Hey.”

“Are you at the fair?”

“Yea why?”

“Leave. Leave now.”

“Mom…why, what’s going on?”

“One of the neighbors just called me. Dad’s walking around the fair, he’s by the arena. Leave now.”

I hung up and grabbed Judd by the arm. “We need to go.” The alarm in my voice didn’t give him a chance to question me.