Jáchym Topol - City, Sister, Silver

With Černá … for the first time I realized that even the slimmest little vein, every single hair on my body … was. At times I didn’t understand her sadness … then again at times she had to scald me, or douse me with ice water, or I would’ve gone through the roof. We hugged hard, in part because we didn’t hear any bells. Sometimes she’d jump at me from the side and I’d flip her in the air. Me underneath, on the broken glass, so she wouldn’t get cut, and her up above, pulling down webs, sometimes we’d spin around.

Maybe if the metallic sound of a bell’s heart had sliced through the space above the rooftops and come filtering down through the buildings’ walls and corners … we could’ve snatched it up and divined from it right there on the sidewalk. When I said so, she came to life … and told me a story about that … friend of hers with the important car … he took her to a founder, a guy that made bells … one of the last. I considered that an important sign.

I realized my love consisted of many parts, be it her shoulder, her breath, or what she had on, or each little piece of her skin, and always it stunned me that it was her. Maybe she felt the same … maybe that was why we took all those photos. Sometimes we even needed beating. The chill of ice and the warmth of butter. Our enormous hunger refined everything, and therefore everything was allowed. Death was everywhere, but Černá had her arms outstretched, palms up. And I tried too.

I’d found her, dragged her out of the web. Cut the straps. I wasn’t afraid to tell her I wanted her. But then she started making me. One time I saw a grave with her name on it, she woke up too.

It was bad, Černá … it was terrible! In my dream I was standin at your grave, or wait, it wasn’t yours! There was just a name, I remembered the first time I saw a woman naked … I was sick, often, as a little kid. My father took me to see the doctor. An army doctor … did I ever tell you my dad was a soldier? But the Communists gave him the heave, then he got some job sweepin … He still had friends, though, oh yeah. Those guys taught me Latin, for cryin out loud. The doctor ordered me to strip, they took my temperature. I used to get these high fevers where it felt like my hands an head were so big I couldn’t fit into my room anymore. My grandma’d soak my hands in a bowl of cold water. Finally they took me to the doctor … but then there was the waiting room with those retarded posters, remember? And Jesus … this one loony bin had a sign: CHEERFUL THOUGHTS ARE THE OIL OF THE HUMAN MOTOR. Yeah, that got me. I was one big wreck when they brought me in. Shook like a dog when I saw it. That’s ages ago. Want the ashtray?

Yeah okay. Put it there. Good.

It was just … my dad didn’t tell me till we got there that they were leavin me … said I would like it there. The hospital was clean, my room was nice an big. There were lotsa kids, my mom brought this one boy a huge seashell, I was furious. Actually, Černá, you know … how I was talkin about the sea … that was cause of your ear! It reminded me of that shell. It was mine. My mom explained to me that that sick kid came from a children’s home an didn’t have anybody. My uncle, though … he brought me a cannon, a model from the Napoleonic wars. I’d longed for one for ages. The hospital was the first time in my life I saw a woman naked. First night, I’m lyin by the window, can’t sleep, so I’m lookin out. And there was this little house over there, the lights were on, afterwards the kids in the room told me it was a morgue. I could see in and there were dead bodies laid out on tables. Two people came in with a body in a bag. Then they took the bag off and left. I looked. She had black hair, like you … only longer! And gorgeous breasts. I could tell even then. She was dazzling, I didn’t care if she was dead. I just kept lookin till I fell asleep. After that the lights were never on again.

Maybe you just dreamed it.

Whatever. Oh … Černá. Sometimes I’m scared too … I fight. So do you. Where are you, I fumbled for her.

Wait a sec … here I am. She turned on the light. Cut it out! Got a smoke? You chose me as your sister an I said okay. I’d like you just the same if you didn’t want me … I mean we know each other. But you’d be deprived without me. I’m … sometimes I’m proud. You’re always goin on about how dangerous it is … cut it out! If people weren’t such cowardly shits, the world’d be a different place … although … that’s bullshit too. But still … that’s where hang-ups come from, an hang-ups I think’re real dangerous. We’re not that scared though, are we, honey? We’re givin it a try … I mean we go together, you an me. Be careful, please.

Černá, don’t think … I gotta tell you. I’m afraid too, sometimes … even with you. You’re right, notice how now the masks’re peelin off, it’s rotten underneath … people, when they wanna, can be real scums, you said so yourself … I mean even me, I mean you know … they’re afraid to say, yeah, to say! … somethin’s nice, somethin’s good … it’s easier to crush it, strangle it … I know all about that … the hardest thing of all is tellin someone what I told you, you know … when I told you I love you.

Sister shrieked, sat up in bed, and gave me a look, foolin around … took her hands and made like a telescope, peerin at me through the cracks … you said it, I’m embarrassed! Hey, she kicked off the blanket, why don’t you come over here … an fuck me, hurry, I want it … now.

Her skin touched My Protective Animal, my flying, dancing symbol, and one time she said: I was — you’re gonna get jealous again but that’s stupid! — this one guy I was with, his … cock was like this. He had an eagle on his skin.

What … I jumped up. What was his name … Bohler?

I donno. Didn’t ask. We were only together once. We met once. Whatever … but what you told me an I told you, the important thing … trust me. Always. Sometimes I’m not myself, I mean with us drinkin an all. But I’ve never loved anyone this much before. So actually no one else’s been inside me. And I’d destroy anyone that tried to harm you. Mercilessly. You have no idea …

Pass me that lighter, would ja. I do have an idea, Černá. Maybe I already know who you are … I’ve got a hunch … an could ja nudge that ashtray over, yeah … good.

In time we expanded our territory. The city was growing, always some new thing … we’d walk out in the street at night, confusing taxi drivers, on the slow trams sometimes we’d get jumpy and wrap ourselves around the bars, especially me. In the subway we’d sit solemnly, staring blankly ahead, pretending, in front of and along with the rest of the passengers, like nothing was going on at all … we’d even go to the theater, now and then. At least there we didn’t run into anyone we knew.

We studied the gowns and masks and then used some of it later on. I think the singers pissed Černá off a little. I knew, I noticed … sometimes she’d hum along and harmonize. I guess she really missed it. But it fascinated her how I’d always guess what each piece was about and how it would turn out. She’d look at me, eyes shining, and gasp: You’re amazing! I didn’t tell her that most of the plays I’d read. Once upon a time. One skit in some out-of-the-way local theater I even wrote. Under my own name though, so she didn’t realize.

Occasionally we’d have a couple vodkas in the lobby, Černá rattling the jewelry she’d borrow for nights on the town. Me powdered up. Planting kisses in her decolletage and throwing roses at her. Champagne for Chekhov, whiskey for Shepard, we didn’t mix that up. The Lantern* Jirásek! Water goblins, myrtle. We saw that one five times. During the performance we’d rustle papers. She’d leave chewing gum on her seat. That’s so they’ll see … so they’ll see it’s no joke, Sister would say. The ladies hissed. When that unfaithful Yaga throttled her husband the Moor, Černá broke down sobbing, she shouldn’t do that! she cried. They tried to escort her out, I intervened. Idiots, what’ve you got against negroes, Černá railed at the usher. Then she told me the story. I was jealous. Still.