William Gaddis - J R

— Well I really don’t think…

— No of course not Mother feels understatement is always best and I think she’s less than enraptured with your J R person’s notion of little booths set up in the nursing home lobbies to sell the entire package, prostheses the nursing care funeral plot and stone it sounds rather like a midway and of course the organized funeral directors are quite gaga over the whole thing rustling up preneed laws and being most unfriendly but if the darkies have been getting away with their little burial societies for ages certainly anyone has the right to plan those delicious last moments at leisure with none of that frantic last minute embarrassment over bills have you worked out the package cost?

— No and I don’t…

— Know how many packages you’ll offer no but there must be a mad variety or it could all turn into the sort of mass burial I suppose they have in Russia Mother says your J R person wants to approach the young married market but projecting costs so far in the future when the average nine hundred seventy-five dollars now doesn’t even include vault memorial stone cemetery plot flowers burial clothing even the minister of course having the use of all that money for what might be simply ages before that last surprise party when the package is opened and with people rushing about so even that might happen in some utterly inaccessible place he almost seems to be counting on quite an eventual number of no-shows at your vast cemetery somewhere called Union forgive me was that your foot?

— No it’s, it’s just my case let me move it I…

— Oh I hope I didn’t scratch it my new heels are so dreadfully sharp here let me help you, your cabs here are so thrillingly efficient but there’s simply no place in them to sit down and my hat is getting careful, your important papers are spilling…

— Yes it’s, Mister Crawley broke the catch opening it and it’s…

— He does sound like an absolute bear Mother said he oh! It’s all music it’s simply filled with music oh I must see! You didn’t write it?

— Well yes but it’s…

— Oh let me see let me see this passage right here how simply delicious what part is it.

— That’s the, the harpsichord part it…

— Mmmmmmmm! delicious, yes there’s a little Rameau there isn’t there mmmmmmmmmm…

— Well his, his piece The Gnat I just wanted the feeling of…

— And you certainly caught it didn’t you I feel prickly all over now what’s this oh how ominous…!

— Yes well that’s, that’s the string bass but about the cemetery I think you’d better talk to Mister Hop…

— Yes Mother said it was simply vast thousands of acres somewhere nearby called Union Falls? that you’ve taken over an entire right of way for it? Mmmmmm mmm mmmm hmmm…

— Well it’s no not exactly nearby, this cemetery is in the middle of a right of way up near our…

— Mmmmmm hmmmm hmmmm, hmm hmm delicious yes three thousand acres your J R person told Mother and imagine he’s concerned about unprofitable plots of course burying the welfare poor has always been a losing proposition simply noblesse oblige the agencies pay such a pittance but his proposal to make it pay by placing them six and eight deep to a plot when he was describing the entire package idea on the telephone as vertical integration Mother was simply aghast she thought he meant darkies and whites stacked in layers like a giant Dubos torta don’t you just crave one right now? We could slip over to…

— No, no I…

— The Hungarians are so clever with pastries but no all he meant was getting into the monument trade he’d just learned it runs over a third of a billion annually but you must tell him those monstrous granite memorials are quite quite passé the maintenance is simply prohibitive, you’ll want stones flush with the ground so your lawnmowers can simply whirr past overhead oh how brilliant, mmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mm mm m how simply brilliant and with your handicap Mister Bast oh forgive me, forgive me for mentioning it but I can only think of those cruel people telling Beethoven they heard shepherds’ pipes where he heard absolutely nothing and that heartrending will he wrote at the time of his exquisite Second Symphony you mustn’t think of taking your life Mister Bast you simply must not…

— No well I, I hadn’t no I, driver…?

— To think of leaving the world before you’ve brought out all you have within you no, no you must promise…

— Yes well I, excuse me yes I think we’re at Ninety-fifth Street, driver…?

— Oh and you must tell your J R person caskets are not worth getting into the profit lag is simply deadly…

— Yes driver? Will you stop at this corner?

— Now when am I to hear you play.

— I don’t know Mister Brisboy I have to go away for…

— Yes we’re quite near your headquarters right now aren’t we, you don’t have a piano hidden there? I know Mother wrote down the address for me I might pop in later and surprise you!

— No that wouldn’t no the piano is hidden yes it’s not can’t be played no, no I’ll see you at the hotel Mister Bris…

— What fun yes I’m right there in the Towers you know there’s none in my suite but I’ll have them rush one in instantly goodbye, auf Wiedersehen Mister Bast au voir it’s such a joy to be included in the family oh! I’d meant to pay our cabby but Mother sent me off with nothing but fifties…

— No that’s, that’s all right good wait your hat be careful it’s, yes goodbye… driver? Around on Ninety-sixth Street please, over between Third and Second…

— Never saw a real life cowboy where he come from.

— I think he’s, he’s from Florida yes he…

— He from Florida?

— From Florida yes… yes down in the middle of that next block, behind that big limousine that last brick front…

— Where’s all the garbage cans at?

— Yes just pull around and, wait be careful!

— Push that wreck up car right in front of me oweeeee!

— Yes I’d better get out right here, yes and, here thank you, can you push out the box to me, the wind…

— Limousine smash right in the trunk oweeeeee!

— Coño!

— Ya mira que haces coño!

— Coño tienes el freno tu, aye madre…

— Excuse me… he stepped over the glass splintered from framing Z S on the plate, reaching the doorway box and case held high against the wind to pause there for the chauffeur’s uniform in full emergency, in to where that bulb seemed to glow with no more purpose than to keep itself warm.

— Say wait could you help me with an address here?

— What…?

— Got this address supposed to be some God damn corporation offices nothing here but Spies and garbage cans, ever hear of a J R Corporation?

— No but, who told you the…

— Financial page editor told me supposed to interview a Mister Bast, ever heard of him? Almost looks like some wise guy wrote J R Corp in pencil on this mailbox but…

— Oh yes that’s, that must be it yes I didn’t make the connection that must be Mister Rodriguez up on the fifth floor Julio Rodriguez, that must be what he calls his business he…

— Look friend I’m talking about a five hundred million dol, no never mind…

— He makes sandals I think yes in fact if you want to talk to him I think he’s right outside with his friends, their car out there just had an accident…

— Forget it!

— The one with the portable radio… and he made the dim reach of the stairs, down the torn linoleum to add case and box to the heap at the door and lift it on its hinges to the splash and fall of waters, down on one knee sweeping footmarked mail from the doormat’s monogram in over the sill where it was caught in an abrupt splash of suds.