William Gaddis - J R

— Hello? No he’s on the other phone here, he… wait here he is.

— Yes hello…? Yes well classes should start at any ahm, as soon as homeroom is over that is to ahm… yes I heard the bell too but of course the… no it’s the Constitution, the United States Constitution yes, yes do you happen to know how long it… hung up yes, Dan? Can you tell how many pages he still has to go there? look like you’re following it pretty closely that is to…

— No I was, I was looking at his suit.

— Yes well it’s a nice enough suit of course but the sleeves don’t seem to ahm, when I saw him come in this morning his pants hardly reached his ankles that is to say, yes which is all right of course but it made the old straw slipper he was wearing on one foot look like he’d ahm, more like he’d ahm…

— Been on a bender, look at him! Do you need color tv to see how red his eyes are? And the muslin wing flapped heavily in the direction of the image just then paused to preen a crease and raise the dirt line on the pocket handkerchief square into view, — been on a bender with that friend of his that cut off his ear with a pencil, look at him! If there’s one thing I’m going to see while I’m still on this school board Whiteback, it’s to see him fired.

— Yes well of course we ahm, can you turn that up just a little Dan? see what Article he’s up to? Of course if we tried to fire him now we ahm, in terms of the ongoing situation anything that might touch off the ahm, precipitate a strike that is to say, Dan you were going to feel out your ahm, your wife’s ahm…

— Touch it off then, why not! The budget was just voted down wasn’t it? Let them strike. Lock the doors, turn off the heat and save some money, see it at the corporate level all the time. What do you think U S Steel does when a new contract’s coming up? Goes into full production, builds a big inventory, no contract no work and they’re out on strike, would have had to fire half of them anyway. By the time they’ve sold out their inventory these red unions are banging down the gates to get back in, just like these parents will eat up your budget and march their kids back in just like Vern said they would. Somebody at the door there.

— or engage in war, unless actually invaded, or in such imminent danger as will not admit of delay. Article two section one. One. The Executive…

— Did he say two? He can’t only be up to, come in? How many do you think there, oh come in come in Senator… and the door fell ajar on the flurry of cloth, introducing silk in the muted iridescence of a famous name suit, — we were just discussing the United States ahm, Hyde, you remember Major Hyde on the school board and, yes no this is Major Hyde here Senator, that’s Dan our ahm, Dan diCephalis, our psycho… and the flurry subsided. — Maybe you read about their accident in the papers?

— Smear stories, the papers… and the flurry renewed in newspaper streamers from an inside pocket — I say it myself right here in my statement, smear stories, they find the Cultural Center is a rider to my highway bill so they smear me because they stoop to nothing to smear Parentucelli. Look, right here they try to tie his state contracts to my highway bill through Flo-Jan Corp but right down here they admit Catania Paving pays Flo-Jan Corp eighteen cents every yard of asphalt landed at the town dock, minimum five hundred dollars monthly, you see? They stoop to nothing.

— Yes well of course in terms of the ongoing situation down to the bank we ahm, excuse me… hello?

— United States. Six. In case…

— Because he is represented by Ganganelli, Pecci and Peretti? Because he is Italian American he should not have the best legal counsel?

— Yes well of course I know it doesn’t make you look good Vern but of course we ahm…

— This teacher woman from your television sues him for a million dollars, he is not entitled to defend himself?

— Yes well of course she’s suing the school too, she… what? Oh yes, Vern? Yes I’m sorry I was listening to something else, we ahm… yes to bring you solutions of course but in terms of the ahm… that you didn’t want to hear about it yes, but of course we… Yes no Mister Pecci is right… No no right here that is to say, he dropped in to discuss the ahm… want to hear about it, no I… no I’ll tell him, yes…

— That Vern, Whiteback? Here, I’d better just speak to him about the…

— Yes well he ahm, he hung up.

— Well what was that he wanted you to tell me.

— Yes well it was not you, no, no he wanted me to tell Mister ahm, tell the Senator here to ahm, of course I can’t repeat it but he seemed quite put out at the reference in the newspaper story to what Mister Parentucelli did to his yard as ahm, as a gift.

— What I said? they stoop to nothing? Because Parentucelli tries to make a gift they smear him with the District Superintendent?

— Yes well of course I don’t think it was a gift that Vern especially ahm…

— So to say there is no gift he sues Parentucelli for damages? Parentucelli comes to do a nice job, maybe too much enthusiasm, all his work to do the nice job, all the trees out, all the blacktop, how does he offer to settle? Free, no bills, nothing. You take out one tree, one elm tree, one oak tree seventy feet, eighty feet high, how much it costs to take out one tree? Two-inch pressed blacktop the best, indestructible, no grass to mow, nine thousand square feet no more grass to mow, no leaves to rake all the time, he parks the car anywhere, no trees to smash the fenders, no birds shitting the Simoniz…

— Yes well of course Vern ahm, since all Vern had in mind was a small driveway I think that seeing the newspaper refer to all the ahm, all Mister Parentucelli’s fine work that is to say as ahm, of course he did a fine job on the addition he put on over to our place that is to say even though the French doors don’t open exactly the way we’d ahm, don’t open yes but of course that has no connection with his bid for thirty-two thousand dollars for blacktopping the studio parking lot and replacing the ahm, the stone lintel over the main door for twelve ahm, it’s right here somewhere in those papers you just picked up Dan? Something the Citizens Union people circulated just before the budget referendum in an attempt to embarrass right under there yes, The Citizens Union on Neighborhood Teaching wishes to call your attention to no, no this was something about an example of the smut circulating in the junior high they said they sent me but I haven’t seen anything that might be ahm, anything supporting the Senator’s campaign that is to say, Stamp Out Smut for…

— Quart of glue two fifty-one for which the school pays three fifty-seven, masking tape one forty-nine for which the school pays two…

— Yes that’s it Dan, just a, Dan? The Senator’s handing you an SOS button to ahm, yes thank you Senator it’s ahm, it’s a catchy design, the SOS against the background of stars and be careful Dan you’re spilling all those checks.

— These? I thought it was just…

— Yes well of course they’re wadded up and dirty because the youngsters seem to have carried them around in their ahm, their attempt to embarrass the school by paying for lunch with a thirty cent check, but of course if we permit them to bring lunch to school we lose the federally subsidized cafeteria lunch program and in terms of the ongoing budget sit…

— Mention education and they grab for their wallets, was I right Whiteback?

— Yes well of course the figures Dan has there are ahm…

— Ladder eleven ninety-eight for which the school pays twenty-three…

— Yes sending their people out to ahm, sending them out dressed like spies that is to say making one shot purchases at Jack’s Discount Appliance to discredit the school’s policy of dealing with ahm, utilizing dependable, reputable sources of supply like Mister ahm, Gottlieb’s brother-in-law is hardly fair to excuse me… hello?