William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— That's not what I asked you! If you'd simply listen to me…

— That's all I've been doing isn't it! listening to you? Expect me to call him up and plead with him for, to sit here and tell Father the whole thing's my fault? that madness runs in the family did I ever say that? John Brown's body lies amouldering in the grave where his mother and grandmother both died mad? where one of his brothers, his sister and her daughter and some aunts and uncles were all of them in and out of asylums, if you want madness running in a family, his first wife and one of his sons died insane and his soul goes marching on while I'm sitting up here being yanked back and forth in this tug of war between a Jew and a black man over Grandfather's dead body and where is he? Father, my father too busy with this ramshackle piece of junk sculpture down there to listen to my, what am I supposed to do! Go down on my knees and beg for mercy as if I'd, as if I'm to blame for this talk about impeachment? and I'm supposed to have that on my conscience? Because that's what they're fighting over, isn't it? Like the parties changing places fighting over that rusty piece of junk, tugging both ways does it matter which one's at which end if I'm in the middle? Does it?

— Will you sit down! before you fall down, if you, where are you going!

— Right where I was going when you walked in the door there, into the kitchen to get another bottle of the, on the counter there Lily and bring the corkscrew will you?

— Sit down! Sit down both of you! My God, Lily didn't I just ask you to start cleaning up this mess? get a broom and sweep up these papers before we…

— These papers! sweep them up and I'll, it's my play where it spilled when I was trying to find the place in the last act where the, pick them up will you? help me pick them up Lily? It's all right there, he never read it did he, he wouldn't bother to read it but he went to the movie didn't he, listen. That's what we'll do we'll go to the movie. Call them up, get my shoes we'll…

— Oscar stop it, it's not even playing out here sit down I said!

— We'll go into town then, see it in town is there gas in the car?

— We're not going anywhere! Lily will you, here, get his other arm here will you? help him over to the…

— By the phone, over here, by the phone I'll show him, handle this appeal myself I'll show him.

— That's it. Just rest his head back, that's it.

— Feel awful.

— You want me to stay and help make supper?

— Just go along Lily, take those grocery bags out to the kitchen and go along. I'll just fix him some milk toast and get him to bed. Or, or Lily? and she raised her face from the flats of her hands where she'd covered her eyes rising suddenly overcast, dulled as her voice, — if you must go I mean, I mean must you? Because of course there's Oscar's old room up there now that Ilse's out from underfoot though he may go crashing up there himself, on second thought we'd better leave all the lights on tonight, God knows what he'll do next, you haven't left your keys in the car have you? if we hope to get a moment's sleep tonight, there. Do you hear it? a door banging somewhere? waiting for him to call that he's having a seizure? or the house is on fire? every sense tensed for the arousal of another blurring which one touched off the rest, the stab of the morning's light? the shrill cry? or the smell of smoke.

— Good morning he said, from the chair he sat in, — some coffee? oblivious to the night's dishevelment tumbled in from both directions — or, or tea? dispelling the cloud bluish in the sunlight at his elbow shattering its mantle of tranquility with the wave of a hand.

— You're, you're smoking!

— Sit down Christina, please, both of you, we can…

— Frightened us half to death, I smelled the smoke and, Oscar what in God's name are you doing! You haven't smoked for twenty years, where did you get that!

— Found them in the pocket of this jacket, now let's…

— I said where did you, are you all right? Sitting here in a suit and necktie what do you, you've been out and brought in the paper?

— I want a cup of coffee and I want to know what happened to…

— A cup! My God you'll need a pot of coffee after last night, you must have a really splendid headache, do you remember anything? Getting up at midnight and marching up and down here reciting God knows what with your…

— Why, if 'tis dancing you would be, There's brisker pipes than poetry. Say…

— Please, don't start it again, if you…

— Oh I have been to Ludlow fair And left my necktie God knows where, And carried…

— Please! And will you put that vile thing out, it's smelling up the whole house, Lily for God's sake make some coffee, will you?

— Listen Christina, I want to know what happened to my play, to those pages that were on the floor here when you…

— What do you want it for. And that suit, where in God's name did you find that suit.

— I found it in the closet off the library. Now my play, where is it.

— You mean it's an old suit of Father's, isn't it?

— I just told you I found these in the pocket didn't I? when he first started smoking Home Runs? Now…

— My God no wonder. I mean no wonder I woke up with this sickening feeling when I smelled it as if he was still in the house, as if he was sitting down here waiting, just waiting for one of us to, will you put it out! Here, here use this for an ashtray you're already coughing like he was the last time we, put it out Oscar. Put it out!

— All right! Now where is it, you threw it out? My play, is that it? you threw out those pages on the floor?

— Just sit down, I put it somewhere God knows what you want to…

— I want it because it's mine Christina. I want it because I wrote it. I want it because it's the one thing I've got left out of this whole nightmare the one thing that's, that maybe I can rescue that's mine. Maybe that's why all this happened. Maybe it happened for a reason, to bring it back to life instead of just getting lost gathering dust on a shelf somewhere and when it's up there on the stage the way I wrote it, everything just the way I wrote it instead of this sleazy ripoff on the screen they…

— And who's going to put it up there on the stage, your friend Sir Nipples? My God Oscar, you…

— Yes. Sir John, yes you, you don't need to be insulting Christina. I want to read through it for the most effective passages when I arrange the reading for him, I don't think I should take up his time going through the whole thing the first time we…

— What on earth are you talking about, a reading! What about this appeal we've been tearing our hair over, you're just going to do what Harry told you to? forget the whole thing? Get your name in lights and leave your million dollar damage claim in the same shambles you've got my marriage standing up for you in this mess? Fought the good fight and lost, nothing wrong with that and I haven't heard from him since he drove out of here have you? Too obstinate just to pick up the phone and call me to say he's sorry for the way he behaved, to say anything and it's not even mine, this mess you've made of things, I told you to take that settlement didn't I? He did too didn't he? So now it's too late you're going to take his advice and forget the whole thing, am I supposed to forget it? when he can't even bother to pick up the phone and…

— Listen Christina. You're the one who's too proud to pick up the phone, you've been nervous and worried about the stress he's been under and the days going by like this the worse it gets. No I haven't heard from him since he drove out of here, I haven't fought the good fight and lost, I haven't given up this appeal at all. I've tried to reach Harry but they say he's in court, in a meeting, I've called Sam and told them to quit dragging their feet, to get this appeal filed and quit holding back while they haggle over bills and disbursements and the rest of this nonsense, they'll get paid when they get results. That's what I was doing up on my feet when you drove in here, the battery in that chair's gone dead and I got up on my feet to get to the phone and I'm going to stay on my feet, this play is still mine and I'm not going to miss this opportunity.