William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— I will yes, Oscar told me hello? It's who? Oh… no. No, he's… No he went to California no he didn't leave a number.

— Who went to California.

— Nobody, that was just what Oscar told me to tell them.

— To tell who! Who was it, Lily.

— They said it was the South Georgia Pilot.

— There! You see Christina? as though they have the right to call whenever they, aren't there laws Harry? laws of privacy? The rights of, it's what Father used to say, the right to be let alone?

— A hundred years ago, that was a judge named Cooley coined the phrase opened up the whole can of worms, it came down from the invasion of property rights but in the courts these days if you're a public figure you haven't got any.

— Well I'm not. I'm not a public figure, I've done everything to avoid it, it says right there in the paper doesn't it? calls me a recluse?

— Call you Oswald too don't they? First Amendment freedom of the press to get things wrong Oscar, they…

— It's not just that it's the whole, when Father reads it he'll…

— He'll probably just chuckle like he did when that old woman with the withered hand? the one who frightened us on your mother's side, she asked him why on earth they'd named you Oscar? Nobody's family name she said, and he just chuckled and said well, we had to call him something, heat up some more water will you Lily? This tea's quite cold, of course it might come in handy for telling you apart if you insist on suing yourself Oscar but…

— I'm not suing myself Christina! And I'm, it's not funny, the whole thing, don't you think Father will read it? that his law clerk will show it to him? He already thinks I wrote that vulgar grotesque perversion he saw up there on the screen now when he reads this, if he had any doubts and he reads this where they say I wrote the original script for this spectacularly successful motion picture exploiting madness in the family did you see that? as an article of impeachment did you see that Harry? Impeachment! Just the word, a man who's lived and breathed the law for his whole, for almost a hundred years a century, a century!

— Look Oscar, one thing old Judge Crease is not, he's not stupid. Not thinskinned either. People paying press agents through the roof to get their names in the paper you sit here trying to protect your privacy the more vulnerable you become, call that the people's right to know. You think he doesn't see right through it? that they're just using you to get at him? Aiming for a seat on the appeals court and damn the people's right to know gets him the front page, you think he blames you for this rubbish about impeachment? How the hell do you think you sell papers, stir up a little controversy, create ill feeling wherever you can, bait the hook, stir the pot, stay away from them. Just stay away from them.

— No but listen Harry, just to set the record…

— Want to write them an indignant letter for calling you Oswald? They'll print letters from every Oswald in the country from Lee Harvey's widow on down a few libel suits thrown in, no malice intended? Whole damn thing's malice out there waiting for you. Stay away.

— No but listen! I, when they say I wrote the original script for this, this distorted travesty of a movie that bears no resemblance to what I really wrote to this blood and sex ninety million dollar spectacular they…

— Going to write them an indignant letter and tell them that?

— I have to! To set the record straight so that when Father sees it he'll see I had nothing to do with this warped twisted…

— Fine. And when Kiester's lawyers see it, when Mudpye reads it he'll mark it Exhibit A if you show up throwing away more money on an appeal, see what I mean Oscar? Just digging up grounds for an appeal if there are any you're one step deeper in the whole…

— My God Harry what do you want him to do, just forget the whole thing?

— Might not be a bad idea Christina, he fought the good fight didn't he? That's the important thing, fought the good fight and lost no disgrace in that is there? Might even be able to take a good tax loss on the…

— Harry look at him! Does he look like he needs a good tax loss? My God of course he'll appeal, you just finished saying he couldn't do this malpractice business till all his appeals are exhausted didn't you? I told you Mister Basic said we'd win on appeal, he…

— And who's going to handle it, Basic? He's probably busy right now making brooms at a dollar twenty three an hour in a Federal prison, gives them something to do to keep them from killing each other, you expect Sam to handle these appeals with a malpractice suit waiting for him at the end of the road? Look. I'll talk to Sam minute I get a chance, considering the whole situation he might take it on at a cut rate once these other obligations are settled and…

— A cut rate! What do you mean these obligations, this stack of bills Oscar's sitting here drying his tears on? and you think for an instant I'd let him pay for one single…

— All right look, Christina. Look. Give me a chance to talk to Sam once he's studied the decision, can't promise anything but considering the whole situation might even get him to let these billings slide for a while.

— Harry. You don't seem to understand me. I'm not talking about letting anything slide for a while, I'm…

— All right! Suppose we, not promising anything but suppose he'd consider letting them slide till, keep sending them through to satisfy the IRS he'd made every effort to collect and eventually write them off, just let Oscar pay the disbursements and…

— Harry?

— Don't have to make a big thing of it Oscar, getting it all over the newspapers just make trouble for the…

— Harry!

— Settle up what they've already laid out and drop the whole…

— Harry what in God's name do you think you're talking about! Those car rentals? photocopies? transcripts, telecopiers that whole trash heap you just spelled out for us? For what. Plane rides, depositions, drinks for God knows who at your Beverly Wilshire for what! You imagine he's going to pay one penny for this, this rollercoaster ride he's been taken on? Make a big thing of it my God it is a big thing, get it all over the newspapers he should shout it from the housetops, can they make it any worse? Can they?

— It's all, look Christina, get it all over the papers the way they twist things around make us all look bad that's all, this little mixup about Basic shows up there in your South Georgia Pilot gets picked up by some stringer for the Atlanta Constitution the Charlotte Observer grabs it by the time it gets to the Times here, the Wall Street Journal you've got those five blind men describing an elephant look. I'll talk to Sam, no reason we can't work something out before the whole thing gets out of, out of look, look Christina…

— I've looked! All I've been doing I've been looking it's taken me this long to finally see what I'm looking at hush things up, keep out of the papers, fight the good fight and lose there's no disgrace in that is there? Your great Code of what was it you just told us? of professional responsibility and every profession's a conspiracy against the public who told me that. Who told me that! Your self regulating profession no reason you and Sam can't work something out what about us?

— It's, look Christina.

— You look! I said what about us Harry, a conspiracy against the public my God we're your family! Protecting yourself, protecting your friend Sam, protecting Swyne & Dour and your whole ridiculous self regulating white shoe conspiracy against your own family?

— Look, I've got a lot of, we can discuss it in the car Christina I've got to get back, Oscar? Got to be in court first thing in the morning, a lot of paperwork to get through tonight try to, just try to get some rest I'll call Sam first chance I get and straighten things out, try to get some rest. Coming Christina?