William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— Well I, here where are my glasses, give me that! and he seized the fluttering pages. — Do you know Montaigne?

— I'm afraid not no, is he someone you…

— Where he says it's a hard task to be always the same man? flipping a page over — there is as much difference between us and ourselves as there is between us and other people, they're practically quoting Montaigne right here aren't they? Since the presumption is in favour of the judgment, even though the plaintiff and defendant bear the same name it is presumed they are different persons?

— I see your point Mister Crease, but bringing in your friend as a third party can only complicate things further unless, of course, he might join the suit as a formal party in establishing negligence as the proximate cause of your…

— Of whose negligence, that's what this is all about isn't it? I'm the victim aren't I?

— Yes yes of course, but I think you'll see something in there about contributory negligence that needs clearing up? When the plaintiffs injuries are equally likely to have been caused by his own improper conduct and standing in front of the vehicle Mister Crease, by standing directly in front of the vehicle with the hood raised restricting your vision when you tampered with the wiring in order to start it might be considered improp…

— No wait, wait a minute, I don't like the word tampered there Mister Gribble. I was simply wait, here it is, contributory negligence is never a defense to strict liability but often the opposite is held? They'll have it both ways won't they, if it can be shown that the user was proceeding against a known unreasonable danger I was simply trying to start the damn car wasn't I? or this? in making no use of the product except to be injured by it do you think I'm mad?

— I think no, no I don't think we should take that course Mister Crease I don't think it's included in your coverage and…

— All right listen, here it is listen, that a damage-feasant motor vehicle may be joined as a party in an action against the driver of the vehicle.

— But I understand there was no driver?

— I was the driver I simply wasn't driving, how could I drive it without starting it.

— I see your point yes but, yes we probably should have a lawyer here to help us with these finer distinct…

— We don't need one, you just said that yourself didn't you? It's all here look, even the citation Brown v. Quinn 220 S.C. 426, 68 SE.2d 326 and the damage-feasant motor vehicle, it's standing right outside there didn't you see it?

— I did yes, yes but suing the car would not be exactly the…

— We're not suing the car! We're joining the damn thing as a party in the action a necessary indispensable formal proper artificial person do you want some coffee or something? tea? Lily, are you out there?

— No, no thank you I know how busy you are, I haven't wanted to take so much of your valuable time Mister Crease but it seemed only fair to you to review the range of legal complications you might confront in a long drawn out expensive lawsuit which we wish to help you avoid, and of course under the circumstances the possibility cannot be ruled out that your suit as the victim might not prevail as a party who should be joined in a, there's that word should again, would you mind giving me back those papers?

— And would you mind, Mister Gribble, first would you mind simply telling me what it is you want me to sign?

— Why I, yes of course I have it right here somewhere it's just a release that will save us all a good deal of…

— Is that all?

— The release yes, yes and then there's an affidavit in connection with your…

— And listen, what about that summons I got as a witness with companies all over the globe and some kind of postponement that…

— That's exactly what I was coming to yes, yes rather than put you through the grueling cross examinations such a trial would subject you to this simple affidavit will relieve you of any further obligations and we can put the whole matter behind us, here we are. It simply states that you were injured by the product, which is to say the damage-feasant motor vehicle in this case, that your injury came about because the product was defective and that its defects existed when it left the hands of the defendant.

— What defendant. Oh Lily, will you bring me something? just a glass of wine or something?

— I hadn't wanted to take more of your valuable time getting into all these details Mister Crease but you see you are only a part of the bigger picture which threatens to get out of control and may go on for years involving a whole series of defendants. When your second attorney Mister Preswig filed your motion as the victim against the car's owner this in turn brought Ace Worldwide Fidelity in as his or your insurer where it might possibly have ended.

— Well why didn't it!

— Because liability attaches to anyone who sells the product going back to its manufacturer including the makers of parts supplied by others since it is marketed under the manufacturer's name, if you follow me? Our legal department sought out the person you bought it from who had joined the Navy and so proceeded against the dealer from whom he'd purchased it new and the dealer then sued the wholesaler who has brought suit against the manufacturer who in turn is suing the assembler of the defective component parts whose makers are as you observed in your summons as a witness in the suit being brought against them by the assembler all over the globe as you put it, however. As you were notified that trial has been postponed since these component parts makers abroad turn out to be largely subsidiaries or joint ventures with American companies which must all be sorted out before matters can proceed to the Supreme Court where it all appears to be headed.

— Good God! he sank back with the glass in his free hand, — did you hear all that Lily?

— I heard enough.

— Wait sit down, listen. The whole thing sounds like a, it sounds like the house that Jack built. Will you tell me why you've dragged me through this whole insane rigmarole of indispensable parties and artificial persons and now this global car chase you refer to as the big picture?

— Yes yes of course Mister Crease. I thought it would be useful to review the wide range of complex issues and prolonged expensive procedures which would no doubt prove exhausting in your weakened condition resulting from your little adventure which will be lifted from your shoulders when you sign these papers and can go on to your important work with this entire matter behind you, going to sleep at night with the added satisfaction you might say of putting bread on many tables for years to come, I have a pen right here and…

— Wait what in the hell are you talking about, putting bread on many tables.

— Just joking yes, yes a figure of speech as they say, I meant the legal profession of course, lawyers all over the land and abroad, pita bread, bagels, baguettes you may even see some children put through college if the…

— No wait a second Oscar, I mean what about our table Mister Dribble.

— Please.

— What about all these doctor bills and the hospital and even just that chair over there he had to ride around in.

— Yes, yes but I believe you both understand that Ace Worldwide has already gone to considerable expense and faces still further financial sacrifice in our efforts to relieve Mister Crease of the intolerable burdens I have just gone to all this trouble to outline for you which can all be dismissed with a stroke of the pen yes, yes I have one right here, sign there at the bottom and your daughter as witness under the…

— She is not my daughter! and will you stop this yes yes every time you speak?