William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— No just try to, try to relax there's nothing you could have done is there? his hand tightening on her shoulder standing over her there, pressing her close — you knew it was going to be a serious operation and…

— I should have gone down there! I should have gone while there was still time I told you didn't I? where I still could have talked them out of it and got reconciliated before it was too late?

— Well you couldn't have, listen. When the doctors say an operation's necessary you can't talk them out of it and, and you shouldn't because, you can't blame yourself you shouldn't even try because they, because that's what it was for, to save his life that's what the operation was for and if he died while they…

— If who died.

— But, your father, you…

— I just talked to him.

— Yes I, I know, I know and, and I'm sure he heard you aren't you? a hand dubiously stroking her temple, — I'm sure he…

— Jesus Christ Oscar what are you talking about! She wrenched away from him, wiping her tears and staring at him — who said he was dead! I said I just talked to him didn't I?

— But, but I thought…

— And he God damn well heard me too so did she, so did Mama! I told her I'm calling to tell her how worried I am about Daddy and I'm coming right down there so she puts Daddy on the phone too and I'm telling them both how I miss them and how I finally realize how selfish I've been and I'm coming down there so we can be together and reconcile everything like we used to be because I'm their only daughter without Bobbie there with them in their hour of need so they get all weepy about how happy they are the Lord has let me see the light about being selfish and ungrateful after all they've done for me and, and up in the cupboard there get me some whisky, it's up there in the cupboard will you?

— Yes just, yes but…

— Just get it! So how happy they are for me that I've seen the light and don't have to come down there and shouldn't worry because Bobbie's there with them in spirit on the right hand of the Lord where he's waiting for them to join him and how happy it will make me to know they just wrote this new will giving everything to Reverend Bobby Joe's church so they know they'll be with Bobbie on the other side and no, don't put water in it! Just give it to me, and would I please talk to Reverend Bobby Joe who's right there all the while giving them this spiritual comfort from the Lord's merciful bounty and the sneaky slimeball wants to give me some too, I could kill him! She drank it off and banged the glass down on the table. — I could kill him.

— No but listen, your daddy's not, he's still alive isn't he? back to smoothing her hair with his hand — once he's had this operation, it's a pretty routine procedure they can still change their minds when he gets over the…

— Leave me alone! she caught his wrist with a strength that almost brought him down — change their minds they haven't got any minds left, do you think they'd be buying tickets to join Bobbie on the other side if they did? I'd like to just tell Bobbie what I, where is he. Where is he Oscar, your little man in the black suit you can go back to that hospital and give him a message to take over there and tell Bobbie what I think of this whole mess!

— No relax, try to relax, he didn't take the messages anyhow he was just looking for terminal cases who'd take them for you, do you want some coffee? I just saw some spaghetti in the cupboard, I'd better go in there and see whether the old…

— Let him take it then! Let him take the message he's on his way over anyway isn't he? He can take one for Mama and Daddy too when they show up telling me they won't need money over there when I need it right here on this side unless he's already there, you better feel his pulse first with that black sock in his lap in there watching snakes on the television and bringing us those ashes he's the messenger, isn't he? I'm going in and lay down.

He sat there staring at the bottle his gaze as empty as the glass she'd left behind with her fevered phantasmagoria he suddenly struck through reaching for it to pour a drink swallowed at a gulp and another, rising more hazily on the smoke of a Picayune stealthily up the hall past the dark cavity of the library into the chill beyond where nothing moved but the durable fugitive from halitosis still harvesting dead leaves with a bamboo rake made in a Chinese prison giving way, by the time he'd grasped the vacancy of the armchair there and filled it, to the refreshing carnage of the evening news, each respite for relief from acid stomach, aching back, bad breath and bleeding gums prompting another foray to the kitchen, another car chase, another siege of gunfire as fact blurred into fiction until at last he roused himself and lumbered unsteadily down the hall to where she lay lips parted as though ravished, an arm flung out and her still breasts undefended coming down to pull off his shoes and his trousers and sprawl beside her, his heavy breathing broken by a cough and hers an answering moan subsiding to a silence as unbroken as the long slow pace of night wrapping the house so that, when it came, the streak of light out there seemed rather to confirm than breach the darkness as the dull throb of the car's engine closing in left a stillness the more intense when it abruptly stopped. — What's that! he came up on an elbow, — listen! he caught her shoulder, sinking back, until the clatter of a door brought him full upright — someone's out there!

One after another the lights were coming on up the hall, and from the cavernous dark behind him — Oscar? Who is it.

— It's just Christina he called back, watching her sit down loosening her coat, simply looking at him across the room as over a great distance, clutching a worn book in her hands, all she'd brought.

— It's chilly in here, she said finally.

— Well of course it's chilly Christina it's the middle of the night, what did you ex…

— You'd better get some trousers on before you catch another cold and, oh Lily. I'm sorry, I woke you didn't I.

— Of course you woke her you woke both of us, it's the middle of the…

— You don't look well, Lily. Are you all right?

— She's had some bad news Christina, she's had a bad disappointment, you can see she's been crying can't you?

— No I'm okay I'm just, do you want some tea or something? You look cold.

— I'm a little bit hungry.

— Well we're all hungry Christina, we couldn't go shopping without a car could we? The way you drove my car out of here without even, without even calling we didn't know when you'd be back, there's nothing here but a box of spaghetti we can't go shopping in the middle of the night can we? I've been trying to call you and you wouldn't even answer that message I left on your machine, all I got was some woman who said she was Harry's sister what was she doing there, she hung up in my face I didn't even know he had one.

— Her name is Masha. He had two.

— Did she tell you I called? You knew what things were like out here, you could have called couldn't you? just to tell us when you'd be back so we wouldn't, so we'd know what was going on? or at least had him call? just had Harry call couldn't you?

— Harry's dead, Oscar.

— Well if he, if that's all he, what? No, what did you say?

— I'd rather not say it twice.

— But, no. No that's, no but wait Christina that's not what I, no! broken off by a rush and a cry of such anguish behind him that he was left standing there as though his blood had frozen.

— Oh God. Go and see to her, will you?

— But…

— Go and help her! her own hands coming up to bury her face — and for God's sake Oscar put on some trousers!

When he came back in fumbling with his clothes she was standing at the window gazing out at the dull glow in the sky far over the pond and he hesitated, and sat down on the sofa. — What happened? and after a moment she turned, sniffing into a tissue.