William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— Christina?

— Well my God Oscar where have you been! I thought you, who's that.

— Yes it's Mrs, it's that real estate woman Christina, she's got a prospect waiting out in her car and I've tried to tell her there's some misunderstanding because when I called her we…

— This is ridiculous, I mean why on earth did you let her in.

— I thought it was somebody answering my ad for a secretary and…

— I just said ridiculous didn't I? and she turned on the woman with — what made you think the place was for sale?

— Why, I've been here before you know, and when your husband called I thought the first thing I could do was to…

— He is not my husband! and the second thing you can do is to be on your way.

— No that's quite all right, I've plenty of time and it's such a beautiful day. You don't mind if I look around a little do you? smiling the lipstick on her teeth — such a charming site, and just look at the view! flinging a handful of red nails at the pond out there as though already embarked on a sale — or if you're only thinking of renting? Because you'd need a good deal of work done wouldn't you, that front porch to start with it's positively dangerous and old Mister Paintbrush to brighten things up, it's a little gloomy in here isn't it but…

— It is not for rent! now…

— Oh I understand perfectly, and for a sale of course you wouldn't need to bother, buyers always have their own ideas it would just be throwing your money away and I wouldn't let that happen to you would I.

— God knows what you'd let happen to us, Oscar you started all this now do something!

— Yes I tried to explain, when I called we just wanted some sort of appraisal because the property belonged to my father and…

— And this is Dad? she swooped at him red in tooth and claw cowering there in the armchair, life preserver muffled in a much darned brown sock in his lap at the ready — I, I should have known yes it's, the nose? she backed off warily — I'd say, I'd say a whisker over three million? out of harm's way now, — yes, say three million two with this sweeping view over the pond and the swans, look at them! You can't find this anymore with these wetland setbacks, this four acre piece right up here across your driveway that just went for two million six with no view at all, did you know the people?

— We did not, why in God's name would anyone pay two and a half million the house is a perfect rats' nest.

— Oh it's not for the house they'll tear that down in a wink, it's for the site, it's quite an exclusive area here and fight on the pond even if it's only a cove there where they can't take the trees down for the hundred and fifty foot setback and all they'd see is a mudflat even if they could but they'll cut down everything else, they'll have to for the house they've planned by this famous post modern architect, a regular showplace, they're very wealthy needless to say I think they made it in parking garages and…

— But those were probably the men I saw in the trees there Christina, they must have been surveyors and…

— It all sounds perfectly revolting, I mean you don't become wealthy building parking garages you simply get rich there's quite a difference, chopping down everything in sight to build a showplace out here it sounds quite sickening, you can find your way out can't you?

— Oh they're going to landscape, I've heard they've put aside a million just for landscaping it should give real estate values here a real boost and, oh! It's been such a pleasure talking to you I almost forgot my poor client sitting out there in the car, you don't mind if I bring him in just for a moment to see your lovely view? It's such a beautiful day and…

— I do mind! Oscar for God's sake will you see her to the door?

— Oh no, no, I can find my way, another time then? Such a pleasure meeting you, you have my number yes and while I think of it you'll want to do something about your driveway out there won't you, I almost hit a deer coming in they are such pests, they'll chew up everything in sight till not a tree's left standing.

— Now where was I! She stood with her fingertips pressed to her temples until the doors up the hall clattered closed — my God, such a beautiful day! Just to get that odious woman's voice out of my head, now where was I.

— I thought you were finding these papers for us to sign and…

— I thought that's why I sent you in here an hour ago, now will you sit right down there with him and get it over with before I come back? I'm going out for a walk.

Such a beautiful day! or what had been till that odious woman's voice reduced it to an epithet, and she shook her head as though to empty it of that jangling echo of words cluttering all that lay about her coming down the lawn toward the pond, toward the swans look at them! but they were already a distant trail of white across the water fled, like her, to rescue their serenity from a raucous visitation as she descended to the narrow strand, picking her way more slowly now the sandy edge gave way to reeds, to shoals of mud, to stagnant pools where suddenly the crows burst in a rage of cries that drowned her own, where a step further would have trampled what had been a sort of face snaggle toothed and staring up from eye sockets plucked clean, staggering back to recover her foot from the paw gently stirred there on the still backwater her balance almost lost again blinded by the flats of her hands, deprived like the breath she gasped for retreating to the hard crest of the road leading her away past those silent hulks shuttered for winter and on to the dunes looking far down the beach to the cut where turning the pond brackish came silent, flooding in, the main, a stiff breeze harassing her every retraced step and garbled metaphor the long way back under those mangled pines strewn with the jangling echoes of a million just for landscaping to clatter up the steps of that perilous veranda and the doors closing behind her, and her name reaching her the length of the hall, — Is that you Christina? You had a phone call, it was…

— Harry? When is he coming out.

— No, no Lily said it was somebody from his office, they said it was urgent and…

— Well if it's so urgent couldn't he have simply picked up the phone and called me himself? No I've told you what's urgent haven't I? signing these things and getting this memento mori with his green sock out of here, have you done anything about it?

— Yes I, it's a brown sock now he said something about a hair of the dog and…

— I, don't tell me about a hair of the dog! just, some tea, some hot tea.

— She'll get it but listen, there's only one thing for us to sign Christina that's all, it's a waiver and consent saying we won't contest the will so it can be probated that's all he brought.

— Well it can't be! Coming all the way up here just for, couldn't he have mailed it? both of them closing in — I mean, simply have mailed it? coming down on the sofa, the strength gone out of her — oh Lily, thank God bring me some tea will you?

— You okay? You look real pale.

— I'm, please just, just bring me a drink.

— There was this call for you, they said can you come right in there they sounded real serious, they…

— All right I'll call them! Now will you do as I ask? and she was back up for the phone, Mister Lutz? All right, Mister Peyton then? out of town? both of them? but who was the, — what? I said I'm his wife aren't I? This is ridiculous, why don't you know how to reach them! finally banging it down — my God, you never heard such confusion, they all sound scared out of their wits I mean no wonder Harry thinks the whole ship may go down. Sailing in there to confront Bill Peyton over pensions and balance sheets, if they're forcing him out can't he simply call me? already assailing the phone again — you see? He's not answering, I suppose I've got to simply go in, driving all of us out of our minds he'll be standing there in a towel naked with a drink in one hand like the last time just didn't want to upset me, stupid predicament he got himself in no reason he should bother me with it, nothing I could have done with my hands full out here running this madhouse find my sweater will you, Lily? I thought you were making tea, the beige one, Oscar stop standing there, he found this idiotic paper to be signed didn't he? Well where is it.