William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— It's that old vanilla pudding we got when your friend came out here with the…

— Anything hot yes, I mean a few more pulls at the bottle he's got wrapped in that old sock we can put ham gravy on it and he won't know the difference, of course I suppose that means getting a ham.

— But how long will he be here?

— Well we've got to put him up overnight don't we? I mean after a trip like that I'm sure he expects, oh Oscar. What's going on in there.

— He's watching cartoons on television Christina, listen. You're aware that's Father's coat he's got on aren't you?

— Why, do you want it? And that battered old Gladstone bag that was Father's too wasn't it? God knows what else he's got in it, I think I smell something burning. I mean bringing a can of human ashes as a house present he may plan to spend Christmas with a roaring fire in the fireplace it's all he can talk about now, don't you smell something? Burning bones and papers and libraries he's, no! No he's smoking in there Oscar go in and stop him! he's a pyromaniac go in there and stop him before he burns the place to the ground will you? Lily I'm going up the back way and lie down until we can go shopping, if he gets hungry you can give him some of your pudding and start a list will you? Ham, put down ham and, and grits, don't they eat grits?

— What are those.

— God only knows, just write it down will you? slipping off her shoes to find her way up the dark stairs as stealthily as she came down them when the empty kitchen had waked to the full light of day, through the hall to tap at the sunroom and lead out through the butler's pantry and the tradesman's entrance round to start the car with a bare murmur leaving the house and barren hearth behind.

— Where have you been!

— Well Oscar where does it look like we've been, let him take that one Lily it's heavy, it's got the ham in it. Will you help her?

— You've been gone since, slipping out without even telling me it doesn't take three hours to buy a ham. Why did you buy a ham. I don't like ham, I never liked ham and I don't like…

— Will you simply take it in? or do you want to stand out here in the cold reciting poetry, it's Sunday Oscar. We had to drive sixteen miles down the highway to find a place open in that revolting shopping mall with every bloated obese local specimen pushing mountains of inedible junk food "wherever you wait, hold the door will you Lily? That bag's splitting, will you see what he dropped? as they reached the kitchen, — just put it all down there.

— But what are these?

— Can't you read the label? It says Tater Skins doesn't it?

— And Black Bean Nacho Chips, Fried Hog Rinds why did you, Cream of Wheat? Does anyone here eat Cream of Wheat?

— For grits Oscar, they didn't have grits so…

— But grits are corn, hominy grits are made from ground corn.

— Fine! Put ham gravy on it and he'll be fine, I mean my God Oscar we can do something to make him feel at home short of burning the house down can't we? He's not smoking in there is he?

— No, he just brought those packages of Picayunes that Father left because he thought I might like them. He wants to know what we do for fun around here. He thinks the place is gloomy. He says if we'll put a pool table in there he'll show me a few tricks.

— Put in a, I mean my God how long does he expect to stay! He was just bringing up some papers and things for us to sign wasn't he? about the will? I mean Father left more than a few packages of Picayunes didn't he?

— He brought Father's decision in that case about Spotskin and Hiawatha's Magic Mittens, do you want to hear about little James B suing his father as guardian over the royalties and a local court appointing his lawyer J Harret Ruth as his conservator? about the thrilling success of his father's junkyard theme park The American Way as a tourist attraction till a three year old got locked in an old fashioned icebox? about little James B himself hailed before Wink County Court over his mastiff and salukis fighting making the night hideous with their howls? He brought this latest Cyclone Seven First Amendment decision where Szyrk and the Village reversed their positions before two little kids drove a pickup truck into it just before he came up here and…

— Please! I don't want to hear about it, I mean you're the one who was longing for someone to talk to weren't you?

— I didn't say somebody to listen to did I? I tried to talk to him about the movie, about how the whole thing ended and he said at Appomattox he thought I meant the war so when I told him the war could have ended right there at Antietam if McClellan had sent in his reserves or if Burnside hadn't made such a mess of that bridge crossing and pulled up short of Sharpsburg when Lee's lines were destroyed or if they'd cut off Lee's retreat that night across the Potomac at Boetler's Ford we would have…

— Lily turn on the oven will you? I suppose we have to bake this thing I've never fixed one, it probably tells you on the wrapper God knows how long it will take.

— He usually has dinner around four thirty Christina, he said…

— At four thirty! We're not running a nursing home here, you can fix him a nice plate of Tater Skins and try to straighten out all this business about Father, that's why he came up here isn't it?

— No but that's what I'm trying to tell you, he finally admitted he didn't know how it ended, he said Father got up and walked out after that great battle scene when that ghostly spectre appeared standing there brooding over those two corpses in the Bloody Lane that was supposed to be Grandfather and when I said maybe that was why Father was upset with me for exploiting the family and Grandfather if he thought I wrote the script like it said in the newspaper and I asked him to read my last act he said he…

— My God, just hand me that bag of Tater Skins and a napkin, do I have to do it myself like everything else around here? and over a shoulder as she reached the hall — Lily, we'll eat when we usually do if he can make it to the table, put the ham in when the oven gets hot and then read the directions and some yams in with it, they're in that bag on the floor. Bake uncovered on a rack in preheated 325° oven ½ hour to the pound, remove 1 hour before it is done and cut away rind, score with diagonal gashes, dot with cloves and glaze with 1¼ cups brown sugar, 1 tsp dry mustard, 2 tblsp vinegar, garnish with pineapple slices.

— But what about the gravy?

— There wasn't any, there was just this what looked like this little piece of tar in the bottom of the pan so I threw it out.

— Well we've got to eat, get him in to the table will you Lily? And you can start carving this thing Oscar, I mean there's no sense hauling it in there it's enough for an army, hand me a glass will you? And where's the scotch, I mean I don't dare take it in to the table for obvious reasons God, I wish Harry were here, don't cut yourself. Has she put out the silver? And for God's sake keep the wine at your end of the table, we'd better put it in a carafe just the sight of a bottle could, oh Lily. Are we ready?

— He's asleep.

— Well wake him up!

— I can't. I poked him a little and he just sort of moaned with that empty bag of Tater Skins in his hand, he looks sort of yellow.

— I mean you don't think he's had a seizure or something do you? did you feel his pulse? Oscar go and see.

— No I just, I didn't want to touch him it's sort of spooky, he…

— Don't be ridiculous, Oscar put that knife down and do something.

— I am not going in there and feel his pulse Christina. Why did you give him that whole bag of Tater Skins, no wonder he's turned yellow, you can take these plates in Lily I'll bring the…