William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

Will you tell dear Teen that's why I haven't called her? I've simply been up to my eyes with these decorators and upholsterers and God knows what since the day we were married and I hope she wasn't annoyed at not being invited, I mean you only get married for the fourth time once but Bunker's lawyers wanted to get it out of the way this year on account of his taxes since I've had these marvelous losses wherever you look, will you just hold him for a moment? and she thrust out the leash, digging in her purse.

— But I have to go, I…

— Oh I know, it's down there on the left isn't it awful, I mean it always comes on you in public places like this God knows what you can catch.

— Get down quit it! Quit it!

— Pookie stop it! I just have to find my ticket to see where I'm going, there simply hasn't been a moment to get him spayed will you tell Teen that's why I haven't called? I mean I'd just seen her father's picture in the paper the old Judge, I don't remember what it was all about I think he'd done something terribly important and of course I haven't dared call dear Larry when I'm right in the midst of suing his ridiculous law firm behaving simply abominably over these bills and I really can't help blaming it is Larry, isn't it? because he got me mixed up with them in the first place but I haven't said a word because it might upset Teen whenever I've tried to call him they say he's out or in court of course I know he's simply trying to avoid facing me when they tell me he's away they can hardly expect me to believe them can they?

— Ouch! no, I think you can believe them this time…

— Pookie stop it! a ribbon of tickets fluttering in one hand as she yanked back the leash with the other — I mean after all self preservation's nine tenths of the law really, isn't it? and she was left clutching the ticket with — my God, Rio?

Outside at the curb, the policeman looming over the baleful figure huddled alone in the car's front seat looked up sharply from his summons pad to the disheveled onslaught of blonde hair, coat flying loose as she pulled up short for the moment it took her to seize the situation and rush at him with — Officer! pointing haphazard down the platform at a man who might have been fleeing for a tiled refuge from the throes of diarrhea — he stole my purse! and, the pursuit so joined, turned back to the car. — Where is he?

— Gone. I told him we'd wait for his… but she was already round the other side of the car.

— We're waiting for nothing! to the squeal of a cab's brakes behind them as she swept into the stream of traffic leading out to the highway full into the rising sun.

— You're driving too fast. What took you so long in there.

— A woman with a dog.

— But why did…

— I told you! Their course veered to the blare of horns as she reached up for the sunshade — a crazy woman with a dog!

— I thought you were finding out about his flight, I had to sit out there with him while he…

— What's that? where her eye caught the glitter of gold snapping open and closed in his hand.

— This? It's my grandfather's watch, it was in his pocket he almost forgot to give it to me. I had to sit out there with him while he dragged me through the whole thing again, Father getting furious when he saw that lower court decision where Mudpye put one over on that stupid woman judge and what fools we were not to spot the trap they laid for us letting us sue in district court here instead of California preempting the Federal statutes and getting it in under New York law and not even following through with an appeal, what kind of nitwits were my lawyers anyhow? This old bugger tried to run them down but they told him my lawyer had gone fishing and they didn't know anything about that black who showed up down there trying to register those family letters for copyright so Father sat down and did it himself. He knew Judge Bone, knew he'd see right through it but he sat down and wrote out the appeals brief himself and sent that local kid lawyer up here with it, that was Father. You want something done right you do it yourself, he could have called me couldn't he? what I was going through? May have thought I was a, that I was a damn fool that's what he said, that I was just a damn fool but I wasn't venal, that I'd sold out the family and Grandfather writing that movie he knew they were just using it to block his seat on the circuit court with the madness and all the rest of it but, and then he told me, when I said maybe Father thought I was a damn fool but, but he came through for me didn't he? snapping the watch case open, snapping it closed hard and clutching it there — that he cared about me, that he did it because he cared enough about me to…

— Is it gold?

— Is, it what. Is what gold.

The car veered again as she glanced down, her hands tight on the wheel and the sun catching the perspiration beading her lip. — You could sell it, she said. — You could sell it and buy something.

— Sell it! His hand closed tighter as though it were being wrenched from him — it was my, I told you, it was my grandfather's I used to, when he put on his evening clothes he used to let me change it from his suit to that black waistcoat with the quilted buttons and and, and sell it? What could I ever buy to replace that! the only thing I've got left in this whole terrible, this whole sad story, the only one who ever really cared for me and…

— You could buy me a nice watch, she said in a voice as hard and level as the road ahead.

— You? he gasped, — buy you?

— With a gold band.

— But how can you say, but I never heard anything so, so cold blooded and sel…

— And selfish! You want to hear somebody cold blooded and selfish Oscar you better just listen to yourself. That's all you can talk about is yourself, Jesus Christ! I mean yourself and your father he's dead and your grandfather he's dead and this raw deal you got on this play you wrote about this war that happened a thousand years ago that's like some sickness where everybody's been nursing you through it till we all catch it and the whole house is like living in this hospital out of the past, it's the past all of it's the past! All of it's…

— God listen, slow down, you're driving too fast we'll be…

— All of it! with an extra burst of speed bearing down on the white station wagon carrying four nuns and the license HAIL MARY a mile a minute before them — while you sit there like you're ready to cry clinging onto this old watch like it's some magic charm and these ashes you're saving up there in that coffee can? All of it, all of it should have gone right in the grave where it belongs with that messenger we should have put on the plane for the other side before it was too late.

— Who do you, what do you mean too late we're rid of him aren't we?

— I mean Jesus Christ Oscar who do you think I mean! the sun glistening on her trembling lip, on her open throat looking up to the rearview mirror, surging ahead, — who the hell do you think!

— No but, yes but listen, we don't even know what happened, she didn't tell us did she? Maybe she, maybe there's some misunderstanding, all she talked about was his sisters how awful Harry's sisters are when I asked her, she wouldn't just leave them alone in their apartment like that if he, if something like that happened would she? when all she could talk about was this Masha using her cosmetics and look out! both his hands seizing the dashboard — you're too close! you're, listen do you want me to drive? you're…

— Did you see her Oscar? did you look at her? I mean did you really look at her? walking in there like some zombie sitting there staring at us don't you know what somebody looks like in a state of shock? don't you ever go to the movies? I mean look at me, do you ever look at me? her own eyes flashing back to the rearview mirror as the traffic grew heavier with the end of the divider streaming before them, behind them, toward them and past in a blur of speed — do you! With Daddy going in for this big cancer operation with this sleazeball Reverend Bobby Joe fucking me out of every cent with this cancer I've got right here in my breast you think is just some plaything how am I supposed to pay for that if I've got it! her eyes fixed on the mirror now — oh this bastard, this bastard.