William Vollmann - Whores for Gloria

This time Jimmy sat directly in front of that purple-glowing black rose, beneath which was the point of it all, the cash register adorned with its purple Budweiser icon, and he ordered a Budweiser and sat waiting for Cecily, who was off duty until six but was supposed to meet him here at five because it had occurred to him that Cecily was not only soft and loving but also might have wonderfully happy stories to tell him because if he heard enough happy stories and put them in his own memory-bank then maybe he wouldn't need Gloria anymore. Gloria didn't want him? Fine. Anyhow the bitch was as phony as Dinah's party smile. But he had to pull himself together fast. That whore turning him down and the whore with the eyes and Jack and Dinah added up to something no good like the pregnant snaggletooth girl in the Coral Sea who kept looking at him grinning while her boyfriend in the coontail cap kept whispering into her ear and Jimmy felt a kick of panic. So maybe Cecily could present to him the facts of comfort. He remembered how once an old man had drunk too much and Cecily said to him baby you shouldn't have no more and the old man swore and started wobbling out the door and Cecily said can I call you a cab? and he said no I can make it on my own two fucking pins thank you and he squeezed through that heavy door like a bug emerging from an almost-closed desk drawer and he took a step outside and another and fell and smashed his head open on the sidewalk so Cecily took him to the hospital and went down again an hour later to check on him and Jimmy thought what a loving person she does care and she must know secret good things about the whores that make memories worthy of Gloria, and she has nice hair too she is so sexy (although he sometimes wanted almost to weep for her not that he ever cried because in spite of all her femininity she must remain a big tall girl, having the bones of men; she had a man's hairy arms, and even if she were to award herself the Christmas prize, the star, the transsexual's vagina clean and pure, it would find itself living between a man's great thighs) so he bought a bottle of fancy wine at the liquor store and left it with Regina to give to Cecily but when he saw Cecily the next day and she said softly hey baby and he asked her if she'd gotten it, she said ohh that was so thoughtful of you thank you so much but someone stole it and I know who and they're coming in tonight and believe me I will speak to them I will get my revenge and it was then that Jimmy made the appointment for five the next day at the Black Rose and Cecily promised that she'd be there, but she never showed. So he sat there, morose, and had another beer and felt a vague increep of energy but not enough to compensate for the swelling in his head, and a whore beside him said angrily to him oh you're listening to our conversation that's not cute, and Jimmy, who still had Cecily and therefore Gloria on his mind, said wearily hi what's your name, and the whore said Sugar and Sugar did not ask Jimmy who he was but she did say honey you know I could use a drink you know apples and oranges and Jimmy didn't say anything and Sugar ordered her drink and just before it came she wandered to the jukebox and Regina said well Jimmy I take it you're paying for this and Jimmy said that's news to me and Regina slid the drink to the man on the other side of Sugar's empty stool and said well how about you and the man glared at Jimmy saying I'd be honored to pay for it and when Sugar returned he said to him honey I am honored to make your acquaintance.

Whoop-de-doo, said Jimmy.

Just then a lady came sliding onto the stool just left of Jimmy's and said well it's my favorite drinker and Jimmy looked at her with her big dark handsome face and her sweet eyes and thought I must have seen her before I think I saw her before maybe she's Linda who used to live with Phyllis before she got busted, although he was far from a hundred per cent sure, but the lady was looking at him so he said well Beautiful what a nice dress and how have you been? and she said smiling sadly oh I've been fine and she said did that guy with you on the motorcycle ever get his money back? and Jimmy said no but I think he was just too drunk to know he'd spent the money I don't think Phyllis would do that and the lady said I know Phyllis would do it and Jimmy said are you still living in the Hotel Canada? and the lady said don't you know who I am I'm Luna! and now Jimmy remembered that evening with Luna and her black face and her embracing him and him embracing her and he said well sure Luna of course I remember you sorry to get you mixed up and Luna looked down at the floor and Luna said in his ear listen baby come with me to my hotel room on Van Ness and I'll tell you stories and give you such a good massage and Jimmy had a funny feeling inside and said well that's awfully nice of you Luna but I don't have any money right now and Luna said softly you don't have to give me any money and Jimmy's jaw fell open — he had never heard such astonishing words in his life! — and he sat there for a minute and he said I hope you don't mind that I'm so quiet and Luna said that's OK I'm quiet too and Jimmy said those sure are nice sunglasses you have there Luna and Luna took them off and said here I'm giving them to you and Luna said I love you and Jimmy started feeling such guilt and pity and sadness for Luna and Jimmy said can I buy you a drink? and Luna bit her lip and said that'd be nice and Jimmy said what do you drink? and Luna said almost inaudibly tequila sunrise and Jimmy shouted hey Regina a tequila sunrise for Luna! and Regina said two-twenty-five and the cash register jinged and the disco ball sped its bubbles of light across the back wall and the light-blinks zipped crazily around the mirrors and ladies came in with hair like poodle-fur and Jimmy said well Luna a penny for your thoughts and Luna said I'm just thinking of you and Jimmy said well thanks Luna and after a long time Luna said well I guess I'll go sit over by the window.

Jimmy put Luna's sunglasses in his coat pocket, determined to keep them for ever. He felt horrible about the fact that Luna was not his type. But there was nothing that he could do about it. Later, on his way out, he went up to Luna alone at his little table and kissed him on the cheek.

Bye, Luna said. Tears rolled down his lovely face.

Not long after that, Jimmy met Melissa again at the corner of Hyde and Turk, not far from the Hotel Tony where you had to pay old Lonnie three dollars to get in, and Melissa was looking good, so Jimmy said well how's it been going? and Melissa said ups and downs mosdy downs and Jimmy said yeah well you know all the happy stories you told me were sad but I made them happy for myself just by showing myself dark cool movies of 'em like you used to do when you were a girl, and Melissa smiled and took his hand and said I'm glad now what was your name again?

Jimmy.

By the way Jimmy one thing I forgot to tell you is that once when I went to that movie house — I must have been about seven — I met a child molester and he kept sitting closer and closer to me and he told me I love the way you eat that hot dog and he told me to jerk him off.

Jimmy said no Melissa no don't say that it was perfect for Gloria the way it was please don't change it.

Gloria

What am I going to do? shouted Jimmy soundlessly, down inside his throat.

He went home and drank beer alone until he was calm.

The problem he said to himself is how can I put one foot ahead of the other day after day for the rest of my life?

Goddamn it! shouted Jimmy in the empty room. If she's not there what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm just trying to get by day after day. It used to be, if I wanted a Bud, I drank it. If some cunt walked by and I wanted her box, I bought it. Then I had something special that was changing me, and that was for the best. I never forgot about it. Just too bad it happens to be gone. Get it, Gloria? Get it? Hey, cunt, is my business still your business?