William Vollmann - Whores for Gloria

Gloria

He was so close to Peggy now and he could see the dirty wrinkles that went all the way around her neck in a tree-bark pattern and he could see the little black sore on her chin and the veins on her eyes but he also saw the fine profile of face that she still had and the hair she took such pride in and the soft look in her eyes as she sat remembering because even if most things hadn't been happy at least they were her memories and someone else wanted her to share them with him — why, it didn't matter. So Jimmy sat and listened thinking she's a good woman with a lot in her and as soon as he had thought this there seemed to him to be a majestic echoing hollowness to the things she said as if there were caverns and caverns inside her and then his heart began pounding because he thought there must be room then for you-know-who.

He felt a sense of delicious expectation, the anticipation of a chemist almost at the end of a long sequence, when the colorless liquids may at last be mixed and begin to blush with color, slowly but steadily brightening now like an annunciation, like someone you love coming, like Gloria becoming visible to his open eyes as he tasted her presence near him and he felt her unbearably close beside him and about to come into being out of love for him and then she was real and she sat between him and Peggy smiling and listening and she was both brighter and less transparent than he remembered from those dreamy sleepless nights in the Hotel Bailey when he had to look for her even when he was seeing her because he could not see her except through his faith in her but the faith was there knowing that she would get brighter, that someday she would have weight in his arms as well as softness, and now it had happened, so that of Peggy he could scarcely make out more than a silhouette with a hypothetical face-texture whose features were dirty and crumbling anyhow like the clay people that he and Gloria used to make at the river but he could see very clearly the bumps and scars on Peggy's naked legs because Peggy sat with them drawn in high because it was cold while Gloria let her legs dangle down to the concrete so that Peggy's legs were not obscured by Gloria and her light; and he could see more of Gloria's face than he had ever been able to see before and Peggy's stories seemed to be getting murkier and muddier like Peggy herself since they were going straight into Gloria's ears and becoming part of Gloria, part of who Gloria was and had always been, and Gloria was smiling and smiling and he could see the delicate pulse in her neck and her perfume smelled so fresh to him and her hair was so soft and silky to his touch and Peggy said oh are you one of those who like my hair too? and Jimmy said something and Peggy was saying something but Jimmy couldn't even see her anymore because Gloria was growing into her strength so quickly now that it was happening before his eyes while the memories flashed and glowed like Melissa's afternoon movies to light up the darkness that he sat in which became darker and vaster and more and more forgotten, and he saw Gloria brushing her hair back from her face and talking very rapidly and he could see her lips move but he could not quite hear what she said; he was driving her home to the flat they had together on Pacific Avenue where the houses were immaculate and Peggy said are you all right? and Jimmy said keep talking and tall trees shaded the sidewalk and Jimmy slept well at night because the neighbors were quiet older people who kept the blinds drawn and rarely came out except to wash their cars. Schoolchildren waited at the bus stop, and the buses rolled slowly past the blue and white houses in silence, and there was a view of the ocean from the top of the hill at Pacific and Lyon where Jimmy and Gloria sometimes walked in the evenings when he got back from work (Gloria usually finished her job about half an hour earlier because she worked straight through lunch) and on Saturdays they went to one of the parks and had a picnic with salami and cheese and pickles and French bread and the grass was warm and wet to the touch and children chattered like squirrels and men and women snuggled on pretty blankets and Gloria scratched her knee sleepily and said darling would you like a beer and Jimmy said no I don't think I'll drink today how about passing me a seltzer and Gloria said what a good boy and her long hair trembled in the sunny breeze and Jimmy said you know babe I really have a thing for your hair and Gloria said that's sweet even if you do always say that and Jimmy said I'd love it so much if you'd put your hair in a ponytail for me and Gloria said why a ponytail? and Jimmy said remember how you wore it braided in a ponytail when we were kids and we took that train ride? and Gloria laughed and said of course I remember I remember everything about that trip although I was even littler than you and the windows were so high above my head that I had to stand on Mother's lap to see the snowflakes coming down outside and all the grownups seemed as tall as redwood trees do you remember that part of it? and Jimmy said yes and Gloria said but you know hon I remember something sad about that trip too I remember how in Louisiana they had separate bathrooms for white and colored why honey you've gone pale did I say something to upset you? but Jimmy said you don't remember that part correctly nothing bad like that happened I think you must have just read about it in the schoolbooks anyway not to change the subject how about putting your pretty hair in a ponytail for your man? and Gloria said if that's what you want Jimmy and began putting her hair up and gathering it and Jimmy said oh darling you look just like the little girl I remember now turn your back to me and let me rub your shoulders and when Gloria couldn't see what he was doing anymore he took her ponytail in both hands and

and Gloria said let's go downtown and they went into a bakery where the cakes were covered with flowers of frosting and there were loaves of pumpkin bread heavy with raisins and the sugar cookies glittered like stars and Gloria got a chocolate éclair and when she was done Jimmy kissed the frosting off her lips.

Peggy

One time said Peggy I picked up this real nice, clean-cut man, but he was built , really built good. I got him up into my motel room and he told me he was a hit man. He murdered people for a living. All he wanted to do was talk. When he told me his profession I thought, mmmarvelous! the things I get myself into, right? All he wanted to do was talk about the people he killed, how sorry he was that he had to do it, but it was his job. He told me a few little details, an' I was really on pins and needles.

Not my kind of work, said Jimmy. Did he look in their faces when he killed 'em?

Yeah. He looked 'em dead in their eyes, as he's lookin' dead in my eyes. Now the man's armed, so I was pretty shook up. But I acted real calm and I kept the conversation goin', and that's just about all you really need to do to keep your safety. Never let them know that you're gonna panic or you don't want their company — and he had paid me for that half-hour that he wanted to talk. That really tripped me out when somebody knocked on the door. He jumped up off the bed drew his gun I didn't know if he was gonna put rounds in it or what. I said sit down an' relax , whoever's at my door I'm not gonna open it, just gonna tell them through the door that I'm busy and to get on. So I did that, but I mean that was a real spooky experience.

Gloria

Gloria was sitting very still on the steps, and for a moment Jimmy thought that what Peggy had said had paled her and diminished her, but she smiled at him over her shoulder and he saw that she had not been hurt, that she had known that these were not her memories, and for the first time he could see her eyes very clearly; they were like Melissa's eyes; and he hugged her and said good girl way to go babe don't be afraid because you know those kind of men don't even exist and Peggy said what the hell are you talking about and Jimmy said hey I paid you didn't I so just keep on talking.