Paul Theroux - Blinding Light

Steadman then named some of the stars in the northwest sky.

“I don’t see a thing!” Olga said.

“Light pollution,” Steadman said.

Walter said, “Slade knows these waters well. I like having him on board when we take the Wyntje out.”

Steadman said to the president, “The white line just offshore is the standing wave in the chop on Middle Ground Shoal. Sort of foaming in the moonlight. Great fishing spot.”

The president, seeming to be lost in this conversation, said, “We had a real nice sail yesterday in James Taylor’s boat.”

Just then a weak blade of light crossed the president’s body, and a man looking official, perhaps someone on security detail, dressed in a dark uniform and swiping the ground with his flashlight, crept to the president’s elbow and shone the light on a piece of paper that was crumbly and insubstantial. It had to be a fax, for the way it crinkled and did not lie flat.

Now Steadman was more aware than ever of the president’s slender, almost feminine hands and long, delicate fingers, his small wrists, his tremulous touch. The fax paper rattled softly as the president read it, looking grave, all his attention on it.

“Keep me informed,” he said to the man, who nodded and slipped away.

“There’s been an accident,” he said, his self-conscious solemnity commanding the attention of the table with its drama — and all around them, on the shore-side tables of the clambake, there was a gaiety that gave this single table the look of a seance. “Princess Diana was hurt in a car crash. Her friend has been killed.”

As Steadman touched his watch face — it was a little past ten o’clock — the president was answering questions: “Paris… that very night… in the hospital… No other news.”

The president seemed to relax, not in an idle way but with great solid confidence, like a man in an important chair, at the center of things, directing operations, like a captain taking command in uncertain weather and setting a course. And because he was in control of this serious business of leading, no one questioned him or scrutinized him. He was accepted, trusted, needed — he had what he wanted.

Steadman perceived the man’s secret through the man’s relief; yet the relief was temporary and the secret was a scar on the man’s soul, an obsession that had become a wound.

“Do any of you have memories of Princess Diana?” he asked, as chairman of the table. “Some of you must have met her.”

This was brilliant — easing the pain of worrying about her injury by remembering the good days, as a whole, healthy memory of something hopeful.

Walter Cronkite said, “There was a rumor going around that she was staying with us in Edgartown and was seen sailing with me on the Wyntje, sunbathing on the deck as I steered. My goodness, how I wish that had been true.”

“She was supposed to visit the island this summer,” Styron said. “Rose said something about it.”

The president said, “She had been in touch with me. She wanted to come to the States. She was very concerned about land mines.”

Millie said, “I met her in London at a movie premiere. She was really sweet. There was no sign that anything was wrong in her marriage. She might have had a lover. I certainly would have if I had been married to that twerp Charles.”

The president smiled. “She came to the White House. She was so beautiful.”

Betsy Cronkite said, “And did you dance with her?”

“I wouldn’t have missed that for anything.”

“Let’s toast her health,” Styron said.

Millie said, “It would be so horrible if she died.”

“But if she did,” Steadman said, “my advice is, don’t die tonight.”

“I had no plans to do that, thank you very much,” Olga said.

“But if any of us did, no one would know. It wouldn’t be news,” Steadman said, realizing that his sightless eyes gave him an importance that transfixed the table. “The papers tomorrow will be full of this story.”

“So what if we did die?” Millie said.

Steadman smiled at her and leaned over. “When did Aldous Huxley die?”

No one knew. Steadman could see that the president hated to be asked a question to which he did not have the answer — and by a blind man, who was now the center of attention.

“I have no idea,” Olga said, and giggled a little.

The others murmured, but Steadman waited until they had gone silent again and were staring at him. He had begun to enjoy this reverence for his blindness, like the veneration of believers before a mute statue of a deity.

He said, “November 22,1963.”

“The day JFK was killed,” the president said.

“And stole the headlines — the whole paper.”

“Don’t die tonight, dear,” Betsy said to Walter.

The president was impressed and pleased, not because Steadman’s challenge had given the table more drama and depth, but because the diversion was a relief, obscuring the president’s secret.

While the others fretted, Steadman stared at the president and saw him stripped to his nerves. Did he suspect this? He was so sensitive, so quick to know, it was possible. It was clear to Steadman that he was upstaging the president, at the same time as the president closed in on him and held on to him for a photographer, who was passing the table. On the face of it he was making Steadman a poster boy for blindness — Give generously, so this man might see again! — but the reality was that he needed Steadman badly, his sudden celebrity, his inner light, as a cover for his secret passion.

The president became strangely possessive and familiar. All his life he had advanced himself with his knack of making important friends. He remembered everything, less like a politician than like the greatest friend, or a desperate and fearful animal.

Now he had risen from the table and was telling the Diana story to a larger group of party guests, and he had assumed an air of calm authority, in contrast with the misery and panic on the faces of the listeners. The story had already become polished as he spoke to them.

“Just a horrible crash, apparently. And we’ll just have to wait and see.

While Steadman listened, the woman returned and touched him again. Steadman sensed that the president saw her. But she was not the only one. Women seemed to be fascinated by Steadman’s blindness, for it licensed them to touch him, hold him, steer him, take him in their arms. His sightless face seemed to have a sexual attraction — the women felt freer, almost maternal, liberated from a man’s scrutiny of their bodies and their clothes. They were reassuring voices and eager hands.

In what he had called his debut, being visible, his blindness known and gaped at, he began to understand how the women were eager to mother him. More than that, they wished to be seen as mothers in the drama of a pieta, holding his wounded body so they would be judged on their altruism and sympathy, not on how they were dressed.

But he could feel the heat in their desire. They were aroused. They wanted to possess him. He could smell the ripeness of their lust, like raw salty flesh, as they touched him, kissed him like an idol, something inanimate that might be given life through their hands.

The president’s back was turned. He was still delivering the Diana news — not much news, but even this small amount had the weight and value of tragedy.

“Can I borrow Mr. Steadman for a minute?”

Steadman knew that touch, those fingers. He listened for Ava, but she was nowhere — the party had broken up in the wake of the Diana revelation. Many people had gone up the stairs from the beach to the house, to see what was on CNN.

The woman guided Steadman into the darkness along the shore, away from the glare of the kerosene torches, nearer the lap of the water and the low hooting of a foghorn. The damp breeze off the Sound was against his face.