Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

So naturally it's a long silence with no one talking. And so then the brother in 305 says to the brother in 212, "You are some brother I got! I ask you how is the cat, and you answer me, bing bang, the cat's dead! What kind of a way is this for a brother to say a thing to a brother, bing bang, the cat is dead? Believe me, you should learn how to say a thing when a human being asks you a question — not just bing bang, no preliminaries, no fanfares, no overtures, the cat's dead! Listen to me — the next time somebody asks you so how's the cat, so how is the light of my life the cat, you say to them you took the cat up to the roof for a little breath of air and she got herself a sniffle and you got her in the bed and in a few days, please God, she will be up and around as good as new again, so don't worry, so do not vex yourself, so do not eat your heart out, go to your hotel, check in to your hotel, relax, put on a bathing suit, and in a little while we will talk. So then when I telephone back in a couple of hours to ask you what's what with the cat, you say to me, well, there's complications with the cat, we are getting in a specialist for the cat, we are sparing no expense, it went from the sniffles to in her chest, it went from the sniffles to her whole entire body, but with God's help she will pull through — not no bing bang, no overtures, no approaches, no highways or byways, just the cat is dead! So then when I call again to check with you what the specialist said, this is when you say to me you never know, there is never a guarantee, the cat you had to rush to the hospital two seconds ago and even with the top medical men in science from all over from every college of the world, lo and behold, things didn't go so hot, things went from bad to worse, life is but a raveled sleeve, the cat went ahead and passed away. This is how a brother speaks to a brother, not no bing bang, the cat is dead!"

So the brother that's in 212, Jerome, he says to the brother that's in 305, "Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, next time it'll be a different story, next time I'll know better, next time I wouldn't leave out the hearts and flowers so fast, I promise you." So this is when the brother who is in 305 says to the brother who is in 212, "Forget it. So it's only a cat. So meanwhile, so more important, so tell me, darling, so how is Mother?"

Jerome darling, are you listening to this? Did you hear when the brother that's in 305 says to the man, "So meanwhile so how is Mother?" Now pay attention, darling, because I want for you please to also listen and hear what the brother that's in 212 says to the brother that's in 305, because this, darling, this is what he says to the man verbatim. He says to him, "Mother?" He says to him, "Well, Mother, I'll tell you — Mother, the woman, I took her up to the roof for a little breath of air."

This is fate, boychik! This, what I have just told you, is fate and there is no two ways about it! So between your father and Gert Pinkowitz it is the same story — it's fate whichever direction you look at it from. And don't kid yourself, sonny boy, two individuals in our situation, it couldn't be avoided even if you sent for the police.

Okay, so at this point, I admit it to you, everything is still on hold in the dating stage. But even with Romeo, you had to have your dating stage before civilized human beings could let it get around to this, that, and the other thing. Believe me, your father is a patient man, Jerome — thirty-six hours, forty-eight hours, for a living doll like this creature, a person so svelte, your father could make an exception and wait to count his chickens when they come home to roost. But for some things, sweetheart, patience is already beside the point, patience would not make what wiser heads than your father call the big difference.

Sonny boy, Jerome darling, do me a favor and listen to me — because I your father am here to tell you that in certain departments not even the patience of a saint would do the trick, let alone Job and the whole Jewish religion. So call the G-men, Jerome. And if the G-men would not give you total satisfaction, then maybe you could get somewhere with the House of Representatives and the Food and Drug people. Darling, go get whatever court of law you have to get, just so long as you know I your father couldn't help himself, I'm sorry to have to sit here and tell you, Jerrychik, but enough is more than enough!

So first you will take your time and decide in your mind which one you want to go call for them to come get me, the district attorney in 603 or the district attorney in 305. And in the meanwhile, your father gives you his promise, he would not budge from this very spot and put up a fight when they break down the door and come in here with their handcuffs and their bludgeons. Jerome, don't give it a second thought, I am giving you every assurance, darling, your father will go quietly, he wouldn't even begin to make a fuss and beg for mercy nohow! But, cutie guy, if you are asking me to keep my mouth shut when it comes to the question of the envelope, from the bottom of my heart of hearts, I am sorry, Jerome — but this I could not promise you, not even if the sentence was life with hard labor!

CUTIE FELLOW, pussycat, stop to ask yourself — your father gets to the end of this letter, what comes next? Because I hope I don't have to tell you the answer is the envelope. So just like it was first the tragedy of the cat and next the tragedy of the mother, here is another one where it is a question of fate and you couldn't in all your life avoid it. Sonny boy, darling Jerome, you leave off the zip code and they don't deliver, do they? So now ask yourself, Jerrychik, how much leeway do you think your father gets, could he leave off, do you think, two-thirds maybe of a human being's whole name?

No, he couldn't.

But also could your father write it any different from how your father has been writing it lo these many years and years?

Darling, this is a question which you do not need your father for him to answer for you in words of one syllable. Because in so many words of one syllable, pussycat, I hope and pray you heard the answer your father just gave you, because the answer is forget it, he couldn't!

Precious person, just so you know in advance that I your father tried to give this question every last ounce of consideration. But meanwhile, Jerome, the answer is please, as God is my witness, forget it with this J.D.! Because even if they made a law, not on a bet could your father ever do it! You hear me, darling? Not even if the Secret Service took the case and came in here with all of their badges and machine guns, the answer is still N-O!

Jerrychik, your father, it's no news to you, is an old man. But whatever the future should hold, he could not be more thrilled than for him to spend every last minute of it in chains and no visiting days than for him to go along with you on what you did up there in 603 to the wonderful name your mother and father gave you, please God the woman should rest in peace and never know from this scandal!

Listen, kiddo, you could go to Woolworth's and you could buy thumbtacks. Darling, you could even go buy carpet tacks instead if this happens to be your particular private preference. So go ahead and buy whichever variety that it pleases you to and come stick every single one of them in me in my elbows. Okay, so if the elbows do not interest you, sweetheart, I will give you a choice, you can come choose the kneecaps instead. So choose the kneecaps, Jerome, if this is what you have to choose! Believe me, if this is what you decide in your mind, then this is what you decide in your mind — then kneecaps. Because your father would not for two seconds stand in your way even if you begged him to deprive you! Tell me, boychik, are you getting the picture? Because the picture is that this is the picture, Jerome — in every last department I your father am only too happy and glad to go along with you, but this J.D. thing which you did to your name, this your father so long as he lives could never get used to! This thing here, cutie fella, is where your father has to draw the line!