Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

But do I make myself clear, sweetness? Answer me, darling, it is not going in one ear and out the other? Because I want you to know that your father could not kill himself fast enough if this is what it takes for him to make sure his sonny boy gets every last ounce of all of the bliss he's as a genius got coming to him. But I ask you, pussycat, solitude? Are you telling me forever and forever solitude and seclusion, this is what it takes? Because your father is willing to learn, sweetheart, so tell me. So show me where in the book it says solitude and seclusion is the same thing as happiness and contentment, and meanwhile one peep out of anybody who adores you to pieces is such a tragedy you definitely couldn't stand it one instant. In black and white, Jerome, show your father who cherishes you where this is written. Because as dumb as your father is, the man is still keeping an open mind. But until you get good and ready to show him, in the interim don't excite yourself, darling, your father just gave you his solemn promise. If a telephone call or a postcard or a letter is such a struggle for you that you couldn't take it, even if it's only for hello and for good-bye and for I hope I didn't make too much of an aggravation for you and disturb you, then relax, precious, don't worry, one mini-wink from you will settle the whole affair. Do you hear me? One semi-demi-mini-wink and your father will be only too happy and glad to make you a present of his own dead body. And you know what, sweetheart? You wouldn't even have to thank me for it if you are too busy being a genius and a hermit and the light of my life.

Are you listening to me, boychik? Are you paying strict attention? Your father is not talking just for him to hear himself talk? Because I can't rest for a single solitary second until I make sure in my heart of hearts you heard me. Listen, maybe you should write it down as to the fact that your father is ready and willing to go to his grave in case his presence here on this earth does not give his boychik all of the privacy in 603 he needs. Also, make a note that a full wink is utterly uncalled for. A little wiggle of the eyelid like you are maybe just thinking of winking but are probably too busy with business for you to do it, I promise you your father will run next door to another building if, God forbid, it turns out that this one here they already put up a railing up on the roof. Sweetheart, I only hope and pray the upshot is I do not have to go next door and keep you waiting. As God is my judge, I'm sorry, but at my years and age, a railing, who knows, maybe I could not climb over it so fast, whereas there is meanwhile nobody up there who they're paying to give me a boost. But even if the next building it's the same story, it's okay, darling, it's okay, there's buildings here up and down the block here, and your father will just keep looking high and low until, God help him, something finally goes ahead and works out.

This, Jaydeezie, is my solemn promise to you. And all I got to say is that I am down on my hands and knees thanking God that your father still got the strength in his body to give you his sworn statement from him to you in writing. But, believe me, Jerome, if it happens to turn out that in all these years this is what you always needed, you only had to say SO. Because it's just like with the man who goes to get the suit. So he says to the tailor, "You'll make me a suit — whatever it costs, it costs, I want the best, so don't worry." And the tailor says to the man, "Okay, I'm sparing nothing. The cloth I'm getting special from Borneo, the thread I'll have made up in China, and for the buttons I am thinking in terms of a yak they got in Turkey, buttons from the horns of that yak." So the man says to the tailor, "This sounds to me like a wonderful suit, so when can I get it, this suit?" and the tailor says to the man, "A production like this, from here and from there, everything made up to order, we are talking six, eight months minimum!" So the man says, "Six, eight months ! How can I wait six, eight months if I got a bar mitz-vah this Saturday and was thinking of wearing the suit?"

Jerome darling, would you like to listen with your own two ears to what this tailor says to this man? Because this is what this tailor says to the man. He says to him, "You need it, you'll get it."

So do I make myself clear, Jerome? Why stand on ceremony? You will wiggle your eyelid a little teensy wiggle and in two seconds your father will take myself right out of the picture for you, no questions asked, all bets are off, good-bye and good luck and forget it!

MEANWHILE, who knows, maybe I am jumping to too many conclusions. Maybe 603 wasn't working right because of the High Holy Days, such a strain all of a sudden on the electricity. Let's face it, they probably got sons and daughters galore calling all day down here from all of the different area codes, and meanwhile your father is the only person who is calling in the opposite direction, so maybe I got some kind of funny hookup and it wasn't even 603 in the first place. But be this as it may, you still do not say go get lost to a person when he is asking you a perfectly civilized question. Listen, darling, please God they don't get fired up there in 603 and come down here to 305 looking. Because I am entirely at liberty to tell you that with a mouth on them like the one your father heard, they don't hire you so fast in this area code down here. Not even if you got in your pocket the personal recommendation of a genius!

Jerrychik sweetie, it's forgotten and forgiven, so let's forgive and forget. Meanwhile, it's the High Holidays again, so is this the right time for bitterness and recrimination? Sweetie boy, it's water under the bridge. So let's do ourselves a favor and change the conversation. It's a fresh start, boychik. So what if it is another whole year down the drain and everything is still under par at your end of the bargain? You think your father is keeping score with regard to the question of who sends who cards and letters, never mind who doesn't even place a simple phone call? So big deal if everybody else in 305 is getting. You think I don't know I don't have the right to expect a little decency and consideration from you when it could always happen you might get a rupture from lifting the wrong pencil? Listen, perish the thought that your father should even look twice at a mailman. Why kid ourselves? Who remembers what one of these individuals even looks like anymore, it has been so many years since a person had the pleasure.

Listen, darling, before you forget, with your own two hands you better check around for the nearest blunt instrument. Because I hear myself talk to you and what is it I hear but criticism after criticism? Promise me, Jerome, you won't go out and spend too much money on what's the top of the line in blunt. So long as it's under twenty dollars, go ahead and make the investment and then give it to me right between the eyes or over here on the back of the head over here, whichever you decide in your mind, darling, is from your standpoint more convenient. Because here I am, writing to bring you High Holiday greetings, and what am I bringing my cutie guy but recrimination after recrimination in spite of my honest wholesome intentions. And even if it is all for your own benefit, Jerome, I still say shame on me, shame on me! Look, when you get through with the blunt instrument, you should leave instructions for them to put your father in the gas chamber and keep him on bread and water. No leniency, Jerome — your father didn't earn in his lifetime not one iota of leniency or clemency or for good behavior time off! The gas chamber and then the rubber hose, Jerome, even measures in the big leagues like this is still too good for a human being of my caliber.

Sonny boy, can you find it in your heart of hearts to wipe the slate clean? Because so far as your father is concerned, from this very instant it is a whole new ball game. It's like we are starting out from the outset, okay? Whatever I your father said to you and didn't remember to bite my tongue first, promise me, darling, you erased it. I mean, it just occurred to me, who knows, you maybe sent a little something but you forgot it about the zip code. Please, a genius like my precious with so much on his brain, so who's got room in a thing like a brain like that for so many unimportant numbers? But ask yourself, you leave off the zip code, do the morons deliver? Believe me, an individual should sit there and count their lucky stars if they do not also come after you to your own personal address and then tear you limb from limb.