Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

So go pick up a hammer and bang me on the head with it because your father was going crazy to hear his sonny boy's voice. Cutie guy, you know what? I only hope and pray I am alive to see the day when vice-versa is the case. Please God, Heaven should make a miracle and your father should live that long, you won't have to worry, his number is in the book. Believe me, you would not have to talk yourself blue in the face, Jerome. You would not have to stand on your left ear and dance a jig and then hear my particular area code say to my child, "That's cute, that's nice, now do us a favor and go take a hike."

SO WHAT IS IT NOW, darling?

First, it was your own room.

Next, it was your own business.

So now, in the final analysis, season after season, it's what, sweet creature, it's what?

Sonny boy, can your father give you a piece of his personal advice? You promise you wouldn't excite yourself if your father talks to you as far as advice from the bottom of his heart of hearts? Because I am here to tell you, darling, sometimes your father does not know if he dares to open his mouth with you. But who can breathe with this on my chest, such a burden it's like a big stone? So go get a hammer and hit me with all your might with it, but meanwhile it is on your father's chest and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, he's got to get it off.

Sweetie boy, you know what it means where it says enough is enough? It means you do not go overboard! It means whatever the department, it gets handled accordingly. Because there comes a time in every life when enough is definitely enough! And you know something? Your father did not have to go to college for him to tell you this is the rule. But go look it up for yourself, it's there in black and white. You name me the department, the answer is you do not go overboard as far as it because the rule is enough is enough. Like with the woman who goes up to the judge, for instance, you heard about this, Jerome? So this woman says to this judge, "You'll give me a divorce," and the judge says back to her, "At your years and age you want a divorce? You are how old — ninety maybe, ninety-five?" And the woman says to him, "Ninety-seven last July." So the judge says to her, "You come to me now, ninety-seven last July?" You hear this, Jerome? This judge says to this woman, "Why come to me now, a person who could any instant drop dead?" Jerome darling, I want you to know what this woman said to this judge. Boychik darling, are you listening with both ears to this? Because she said to this man, "Because enough is enough!"

This is wisdom, sweet person, this is wisdom. I don't have to tell you what wisdom. Granted, you are a genius in your own right. But even a genius could live and learn. Even a brilliant individual and an intelligent fellow like that judge could. Believe me, Jerrychik, that woman didn't have to go to college and study at the feet of no Einstein for her to teach that judge what it's all about. And the man was an educated man, Jerome! But just ask yourself, did the man or did the man not have a lot to learn?

Boychik, this is your father's advice to you from your father's heart of hearts. In words of one syllable, darling, there comes a time when you have to say to yourself enough is enough. But let's face it, who am I to open up my mouth and try to teach a genius like yourself? Listen, just because I am the father and know from bitter experience, does this make me entitled to tell you what it's all about? Forget even that I am the elder, Jerome. Forget even that I as your father would jump off the tallest building for you. It still doesn't give me the right to come along and spell out the facts of life for a person who is a genius, even if it just so happens he is a human being which doesn't know which end is up.

But meanwhile, cutie boy, your father knows what he knows, and he didn't wait around for some professor to come along and spell out to him the facts of life. You name me the subject, Jerome, every college in the world will tell you there is one rule which is first and foremost if you want to be a grown-up, and for your information it is the one which says to people enough is definitely enough. Granted, a genius has a perfect right to think to himself, "I am a genius and I just discovered a subject where the rule is enough can never be enough." You think your father does not understand this and give full faith and credit to it, Jerome? You think your father does not realize that with a genius the brain gets all balled up and it says to itself, "I just found a subject where all bets are off"?

So just for argument's sake, sweetheart, let's consider this particular situation. Because your father is willing to go along with you and to consider with you the question from all sides. Like just suppose I pick a subject off the top of my cuff and we go ahead and examine it like, let us say, two civilized adults. So how about for instance privacy maybe? Let's for instance consider a person who says to you he has got to have his PRIVACY or else. So for two seconds, Jerome, you and your father will make believe that this is our subject, P-R-I–V-A-C-Y.

Now tell me, Mr. Genius, did your father know which one to pick? Because don't worry, Jerrychik, this subject your father could put his hands on it for you blindfolded and even with his eyes shut and the room is pitch-black! Not to mention he could also spell it for you backwards and sideways and meanwhile tell you it still comes out the same thing, which is G-E-T L-O-S-T. But God forbid your father should dare to start to spell for a person who is the world's smartest human being and is therefore supposed to know how to spell for himself.

Listen, pussycat, you don't have to stand on ceremony with me, I promise you. Go ahead, whenever you're ready, I'm ready. Go get a hammer or a dagger, whichever it wouldn't be too big of an effort for you to go get. Believe me, sweetheart, as a genius and as a brilliant child, you got a perfect right to go ahead and get whatever it pleases you for you to go get. Listen, God willing if you could spare the time from your important business for you to get up and go look for it, maybe you could lay your hands on a red-hot poker and put out both my eyes with it if this is what it takes to make you feel better. Because you know what, Jerome? Because your father just heard himself mention the subject of privacy, so he doesn't deserve whatever you decide in your mind is the very worst punishment for him?

Maybe you should call the F.B.I., Jerome.

So call the F.B.I, because your father just had the gall to try to do justice to the subject and talk to his sonny boy from the bottom of his heart of hearts.

Do you hear me, boychik? I am waiting for whatever punishment which in your brilliant opinion would be the one which your father couldn't take. Because if just breathing your father makes such a racket his pussycat couldn't hear himself think, all you got to do is pick up the telephone and tell them you want to report me for making a tumult it's a crime for a parent to make. So you'll call the G-men instead of the F.B.I. if the F.B.I. answers and they tell you right this minute they are too busy with other cases, darling, they couldn't come this instant to make an arrest.

LISTEN, JEROME DARLING, I want to give you every assurance your father would not blame you for one second if you went and got another new unlisted on top of the one you just got. But why knock yourself out, cutie guy, why? Use your common sense! You think your father would stand by and let you have to go all of the way down to the telephone company for you to wait around to all hours until they get good and ready down there to inform you as to the ins and outs of all of your new digits? Believe me, boychik, you only have to ask and your father will spare you all this heartache. Because even if with just my mouth breathing it's so loud you couldn't bear it in your brain, forget the phone company, all you got to do is speak up. Do you think I your father would deny you one shred of your happiness for one single minute? So why hesitate? A little tiny signal is all your father asks of you. You wouldn't even have to lift a finger if the uproar the blood in my veins makes happens to constitute for you such a terrible perturbance to your privacy you don't get the peace and quiet you need for you to go ahead and be a genius. You could wink, darling. Lifting a finger, I definitely do not recommend it for an artistic person. Who knows, you might strain something — it's not worth it for you to take a chance as far as a hernia. One wink, Jerrychik, and all your worries will be over. One wink from my sonny boy will be more than sufficient. Because forget it, your father will take it from there, your father will do all of the running, whereas you yourself could just sit back and relax and write for everybody another bestseller. Don't worry, don't worry, you wouldn't even have to give me a whole wink if you decide in your mind you don't feel up to it. Darling, you could give your father maybe a mini-wink if this is your decision. Because I guarantee you, sweetheart, one mini-wink from his genius and already your father will be racing up the stairs of this building, hoping and praying in his heart of hearts the management didn't put no railing around the roof so I couldn't jump without calling for assistance. Believe me, I apologize, Jerome, that your father didn't when he moved in here exhibit the foresight to go up and take a look to see the setup there in the first place.