Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

It's the truth, Jerrychik — nothing is these days what it used to be, not in any shape or manner or form. It's nothing like it was in the old days. Tell me, darling, you remember how it was in the old days back when you were at the top of the heap and your father was down here up there in the penthouse? So guess who is in the penthouse now. So can you guess? Because the Bellow people is the answer! And after them, it's the Krantzes which is second on the list to get in there. But in the good old days, it was all different. These days, maybe you got the right idea, a hermit. Believe me, don't think your father has not considered from this perspective. I look at it the way it is these days, Jerrychik, and I have to say to myself, "Sol, maybe we should all go live where the operator hears they are looking for you and she tells them, whoever they are, beat it, forget it, take a hike, you dumb cluck."

These days, sweetness, it is things of every description, and you know what? Can I tell you what? Because my hand to God, just a fraction of it is enough to make your father vomit. Go look if you don't believe me, darling. Like even in the kindergarten you hear the teacher say to the children it's milk time, take out your milk, drink please your milk. But, lo and behold, nowadays there is always the child which would not for love nor money touch the milk. So the child your father has in mind, his name is the Goldbaum boy and the teacher says to him, she says, "Goldbaum, drink your milk." But how does Goldbaum answer this woman? Because you would not believe this, Jerome, but the child says to the woman, "I wouldn't drink the goddamn milk."

This, Jerome, this is how in this day and age a child answers! So I do not have to tell you, the teacher goes right that instant to the telephone and she telephones the child's mother and she says to this woman to come over. So when Mrs. Goldbaum gets there, the teacher says to the woman, "Please, I want you to hear this," and then the teacher stands there and she says to the boy, "Goldbaum, drink your milk."

Jerome darling, as I live and breathe, this is how the child answers her back the second time. Are you paying attention, Jerome? Because the child, he says to the teacher, "Not only I wouldn't drink the goddamn milk for you, but you could also shove it up your tookis."

Did you hear this, Jerome? Sweetheart, can you in all your born days believe this, Jerome?

So you know what happens next? Darling, that teacher turns to that mother and she says to the woman, "Did you hear what your child just said?" Whereas, Jerome, I am ashamed to say it, it makes your father's blood run cold for him to say it, but that mother turns to that teacher and says to the woman, "Sure, I heard him — fuck him!"

Sonny boy, this is what today's world is. Did you hear me, pussycat? Because this — this! — is what your world of today is. And don't worry, boychik, believe me, even in 305 your father took the time and noticed. But speaking of the subject of mothers, Jerome, I just remembered something. Because maybe you called to say hello and your father was not here to answer. So even if you called at night, Jerome, it could have happened, darling, the reason I your father was not here for me to pick it up was because of a certain Mrs. Pinkowitz. And you know what? Can I tell you what? Because I am not for one instant ashamed to admit it!

I know I don't need to remind you that your father is a grown man, Jerome. In case you did not maybe yet realize, your father is meanwhile an adult. So as a grown man and as an adult, cutie guy, excuses I do not have to make to anyone, a certain unmentionable resident of 603 included. Sonny boy, these are the facts of life, and it was definitely not your father which happened to invent them.

So now you know. So let's not kid ourselves, it was only one night, but so now so my light of my life knows, so now sue me, so go call the Supreme Court and come sue me!

LISTEN, JERRYCHIK, between father and son, honesty is the best policy, this is my personal opinion. So it is addressing you along these lines, darling, that it is time to broach to you, let us say, the subject of Gert Pinkowitz. Do I make myself crystal clear to you, Jerome? Because even in my health and my years, I thank God that the question of romance is not totally for me out of the picture. But first and foremost, Jerome, I do not have to instruct you as to the fact that your father is the type of an individual who gives comfort where comfort is due. Now you take the creature which was just previously referred to, because for your personal information, precious, this is a person with enough heartache in her heart for an army. Listen, if you can believe it, darling, even worse than I your own father, this person, this woman, she suffers and suffers. Darling, not in all your born days could you even guess! But who knows, maybe I already told you what a svelte and adorable creature Gert Pinkowitz is, not to mention this woman is also an individual which could give your father cards and spades when it comes to the question of how much agony a human being would have to sit there and receive at the hands of their own flesh and blood! And guess what, boychik — just like your own personal father, it is a son which is in Gert Pinkowitz's case the source as to where every last shred of Gert Pinkowitz's tragedy as a parent is coming from.

Tell me, sweetheart, did you ever think you would live to see the day when I your father would run smack into such a terrific coincidence? Listen, I know it is a small world, you don't have to explain to me it's a small world, but a thing like this is nevertheless definitely unbelievable — right here in this same building with me a creature which just like your father which also got a son that you could sit there and break a blood vessel from.

But who knows if I already made mention? Maybe I did or maybe I didn't already in a prior communication make mention. On the other hand, precious, since I didn't write to you the day before yesterday, then I have to say to myself, "Face facts, Sol, you didn't." Because when you stop to consider the arithmetic, boychik, it is only twenty-four hours since the woman first set foot on the premises here and established her residence in this building.

So okay, sweetie darling, your father has been seeing a certain svelte person, it is nothing for us as adults to be ashamed of. So what if to this point it has been so far a whirlwind romance! You think I your father do not have the wherewithal to see for myself where the arithmetic speaks for itself? Meanwhile, it couldn't be avoided, sweetheart, two creatures which are both themselves available as to the annals of getting together and which meanwhile got so much unhappiness in mutual.

This is fate, boychik. This is what it means when you ask them for the whys and the wherefores and they come and say to you it is fate, it is fate, and you could stand on your left ear but you could not avoid it. Like with the fella who says to his brother, "So go to 305 and don't worry, I promise you I'll watch out for the cat, it'll be all right, in its whole life the cat wouldn't get better looking after than I your brother will give to this cat!" So the brother who is so crazy about his cat that he couldn't ever stand for two seconds for him to remove himself from the cat like for even a little vacation maybe, the man says to himself okay and goes to 305, Jerome, and when the man gets there, the first thing which he does is he picks up the telephone and he calls his brother which is still up in 212 and he says to his brother, "So how's the cat?"

Listen, Jerome. Because I want you to hear how the brother in 212 answers the brother who is in 305 when the brother in 212 says to the brother in 305, "The cat's dead."

So tell me, sonny boy, you did or didn't hear this—"The cat is dead"? So can you believe this, that the brother should hear his brother say to him, bing bang, the cat is dead!