Gerald Murnane - A Lifetime on Clouds

He looked out of the window into the dusk. The fence around the monastery was hidden in shadow. From where he sat he could see no sign of any street or even a neighbouring rooftop. If he could have kept his eyes on the dark shapes of trees and shrubbery and shut out the affected voices of his classmates as they stood up by turns and had their say and sneaked a look at the priest to see if they were saying anything heretical, he could have imagined himself in a forested landscape — the sort of place he preferred when he wanted to talk seriously to Denise.

A boy was saying, ‘Although we’re all students, and the main duties of our station in life are to obey our teachers and pass our exams, just the same we have to live in the world outside. You know what I mean — we go to dances and mix with the opposite sex. Some of us might even attend parties where the girls’ parents don’t come to collect them afterwards. So we’re expected to walk the girls home to their front doors. Now the problem I’d like to hear discussed is this business of the goodnight kiss. You take this girl home and get to the front door and she says, “Thanks for everything.” And then what do you do? I mean do you kiss her or just leave her standing there? I’d like to hear some other fellows’ opinions on this.’

Adrian was very anxious to be alone with Denise. Only a few hours before, in the recreation period after lunch, he had found information in his pamphlets and his Reader’s Digest that he had to share with her.

There was no time to fuss over which month or year of their marriage they were meeting in. He led her straight out through the french windows on to the deserted veranda. She sat on the stone parapet and leaned back prettily against the ivy-covered pillar. They both stared into the sombre forest.

Sherd said, ‘I know the Reader’s Digest is a non-Catholic magazine, but a lot of the things it says are quite useful if you’re careful to see that they’re not about faith or morals and they don’t contradict the Church’s teachings.

‘Only today I found something in a Digest article that you ought to think about carefully. It seems that one of the causes of so much boredom in marriages these days is the wife always waiting till her husband asks her whether they can be intimate. This might shock you (I was a little surprised myself when I read it) but there’s no reason why the woman shouldn’t ask the husband sometimes whether he feels inclined to perform the act.

‘From my own point of view, I wouldn’t think any less of you if you whispered to me in bed now and then that you wouldn’t say no if I asked you.

‘And just to prove that all this isn’t just some idea dreamed up by sensual Americans — I’ve read in an A.C.T.S. pamphlet that each partner in a marriage founded on Christian charity learns to anticipate the moods and inclinations of the other. Which means for our purposes that you could make an effort sometimes to watch my moods and learn to tell when I’m likely to approach you. Then you can take some of the responsibility off my shoulders by asking me before I have to ask you.’

This was one of the most difficult conversations that Sherd had ever had with Denise, and he thought it best to leave her alone for a few minutes while the full meaning of it sank in. He turned back to the parlour of the retreat house.

Barry Kellaway stood up and said, ‘Wait a minute. Doesn’t it make all the difference whether the girl’s a Catholic or not? I mean, if she’s a good Catholic she’ll naturally be very careful what happens when she’s alone with a chap outside her front door.

‘If she thinks it’s the time and the place for a quick little goodnight kiss, the chap can do it quickly and she’ll make sure none of them puts themselves in any moral danger. And if she’s not a Catholic, then the chap ought to examine his conscience because he could easily be going into an occasion of sin whenever he takes her home on her own.’

Kellaway sat down and looked at the priest in the corner.

The priest said, ‘For argument’s sake we’ll assume we’re talking about Catholic young people. It’s hard enough to make rules for ourselves without trying to sort out non-Catholics’ consciences for them. But I do agree that there’s no reason whatsoever for boys of your age to be hanging around front doorsteps with non-Catholic girls.’

Adrian went back to Denise and took her hand. He was a little afraid he might have spoken too frankly to her or given her too much new information at once. But her smile told him she was grateful for all the trouble he was taking to explain the whole range of Catholic teaching on marriage and the latest findings from America.

He said to her, ‘It’s interesting to note that both the A.C.T.S. pamphlets and the Reader’s Digest think it’s most important for each partner to make the act of love enjoyable for the other.

‘The pamphlets don’t use those words exactly, but they do point out that either partner would commit a mortal sin if he or she executed the sexual act for no other reason than his or her selfish enjoyment.

‘I think we both ought to examine our consciences to see if we’re doing all we can for each other in this matter. And perhaps in future you’ll do your best to make the act more enjoyable for me, while I make sure you’re perfectly comfortable with a nice soft pillow under your head and treat you gently and not get carried away with selfish lust.’

Denise stared into the twilight. All the talk about intimacy had put Sherd in the mood for it, and he hoped Denise would soon notice he was a little more agitated than usual and guess the reason for it.

Just then Alan McDowell stood up behind him and said, ‘No matter whether the girl’s a Catholic or not, she must have seen some modern films and realised it’s the custom nowadays for young people to have a quick goodnight kiss at the front door after a night together. If you don’t do it you could be making a fool of yourself and next time you see her she won’t be so easy to get on with.’

McDowell kept his eyes away from the priest, but several boys looked round as though they expected the priest to break in and explain how wrong McDowell was. The priest only pressed his lips tightly together and made notes on a slip of paper.

McDowell kept talking: ‘I reckon it all depends what sort of kiss you give her and how long it takes. (The room was suddenly very quiet.) If it’s just a quick little one where you just brush your faces together it’s probably no worse than a venial sin. But if it’s one of those other sorts you sometimes see in films where they take a long time to finish (someone blew his nose with a peculiar sound that might have disguised a snigger) well I think they’re probably dangerous and they ought to be forbidden for Catholics.’

Adrian didn’t bother to listen any more. It digusted him to think of big, lumpish Alan McDowell trying out different sorts of kisses on girls he had no intention of proposing marriage to.

Sherd put his hand gently on Denise’s knee and said, ‘I found something else very interesting in the Reader’s Digest. You know, for many years people have thought it was only the man who was supposed to get some pleasure from the marriage act. The woman was expected to be a good wife and put up with whatever her husband did to her and get her happiness from the romantic love they shared.

‘Well, just lately these scientists and doctors in America have discovered that if a woman tries hard enough and learns not to be frightened, and the man doesn’t hurry too much, she might be able to get a sort of pleasure almost equal to her husband’s.’

On the veranda it was almost too dark to see what Denise thought of this. Sherd wondered whether she would say she didn’t need any more pleasure than she already got from seeing him happy and rested after the act, or whether she would smile shyly and say she would try to be more relaxed next time and see if the Reader’s Digest was right.